With maid cafes where pretty young girls that ooze submissiveness to their “masters”, and “shuccho health” (出張ヘルス, basically, dial-a-prostitute) and soap-lands (sensual bathing houses with soapy special service) to vending machines for porn, and specialty shops with used high school girl underwear; Japan, at least on the surface appears one of the most sexually proactive nations in the world. Japanese men are as perverted (if not more perverted) than those in other countries, and as for the ladies, on top of being naturally feminine (with petite sexy bodies, skin that doesn’t seem to change complexion from childhood, pretty faces and silky black hair), the women of Japan have no misconceptions about what style – clothes, perfume and make up – makes a man stop in his tracks, and rouse that tingle in his loins.
When interacting with others, sex and everything surrounding it is fair game for a topic of conversation in Japan and, it is certainly not frowned upon by religious groups or society at large as it is in the USA and other countries. When it comes to secreting sexual hormones and sexuality in general, almost nothing is taboo in Japan – until that is, the day one gets married, or so it seems. Indeed in stark sexual contrast, Japan may be suffering from a sexual drought, where being totally open about sex and being sexy in general, doesn’t seem to be converted into the ins-and-outs of baby making when it comes to married couples.
Shown in these statistics, a recent survey by Japan’s health ministry found that as many as one-third of all marriages in Japan are sexless. The problem is now so widespread that the government fears it is a major contributor to the dramatic plunge in Japan’s birthrate (now only 1.28 births per woman). This sexless phenomenon is not only found in those relationships that are plunging down the drain toward divorce, but to the contrary, more and more couples that consider themselves healthily married (and have no intention of separating), have not had sex with each other in the last month or more (the common definition of “sexless” in Japan), with many saying that they have not had sex together in the last 6 months to one year.
According to the most recent survey of 41 nations last October, the average Japanese has intercourse 45 (and according to Bayer Pharmaceuticals as low as 17) times a year, compared with the global average of 103. Japan is repeatedly at the bottom of the list. Last year it trailed Singapore, which was 28 shags a year higher!
The term “sexless”, was first used in Japan in the early 1990s, but now is instantly recognizable to the Japanese as a universally understood concept, and widely discussed in the media. There are books on the subject and thousands websites and heartbreaking blogs discussing sexless Japan, while letters on the subject fill agony columns on “dear doctor”-type sites.
One in five sexless couples say they view sex simply as a nuisance. A small number cite the lack of a private space, because children or elderly parents often sleep just the other side of a paper-thin door, leading many married couples to even sleep in separate rooms. Mitsui Home announced recently in an Asahi Newspaper article, that in 30% of the new houses they build, the couples are asking for 2 “master” bedrooms. This is a shocking statistic, which shows that sexless couples want to continue living their lives together – separately! “We are sort of room-mates rather than a married couple”, one 31-year-old man, who had not had sex with his wife for two years, told the Asahi Shinbun.
There are many other theories about why the Japanese become less inclined to raunchy evenings in the sack together, but likely it is a mixture of some of these:
- Stress of work/life in Japan (maybe the taihen cloud?)
- Lack of understanding, and usage of contraception, especially “the pill” (who wants to use condoms with their wife!?), making sex with your wife viable only when you want to have a baby
- Abundance of 不倫 (furin, or extra-marital) relationships
- More and more Japanese women choosing career over family
- A tendency among Japanese married couples to feel an aversion to sex with their spouse, not because they dislike one another, but rather because they feel that they have more of a sister-brother relationship; the sanctity of which would be destroyed with a repulsive incest-like feeling, by what westerners would consider normal conjugal relations
The last point is an interesting one, as in the past, it has been traditionally Japanese women who complained that they couldn’t see their hubby “as a member of the opposite sex.” But in the last few years, there’s been an exponential increase in men who can’t view their wives as sexual partners either. While it is true that many Japanese married couples seem to be sexless in nature, they key thing to remember is that this certainly does not mean that they lack the desire for sexual fulfillment. While marriage and children may bring on a sex drought in the home, Japanese people who want (and in the case of most men, need) sex do not simply abstain from sex because they cannot see the feminine qualities in their own wife, or the sexual attraction of their hard working husband.
Japanese men love their companies; they live for work, and many don’t even think it is a problem if they don’t have sex with their wives. They have pornography and the sex industry (soap lands, cabaret bars, and dial-a-girl services, and trips to Taiwan) to take care of their needs, but their wives have nowhere to go. They just suffer in silence.. or do they? The divorce rate in Japan has nearly doubled in the past 10 years, with more women blaming their sexually inactive, as opposed to sexually errant, husbands for break-ups. Though they may not be seeking sexual pleasure from their better halves, married Japanese women are seeking intimacy from other sources (many even claim to have a sex addiction), leading double lives – being the good mother, while at the same time seeking out “Leroy” the lover, who is always lurking, and ready to fulfill her every desire.
Japan is full of temptation, and it doesn’t matter whether you are a housewife or salary-man, there is plenty of raunchy action waiting out there – if that is what you desire. Furin sites to find a (extra marital) “sex friend” partner are just as rampant in Japan as in other countries, however they are much more widely used by women in Japan to solve their sexless quandaries. For the more conservative ladies, sites like mixi.jp – which are neutrally classed as “social networking” spaces – are abound with profiles (men and women) looking for partners to secretly spruce up their sexless, but otherwise happily married lives.
Many Japanese marriages may be sexless, but this is only a statistic about the state of sex within marriage itself. In fact, there may be a good reason for the sexless condition of marriages here – Are the Japanese getting enough of the good stuff outside their marriages to keep them happy? I certainly think so.
Japanese people will never be sexless as individuals; therefore Japan is not sexless, so don’t let mere statistics confuse the situation!
(If you are married in Japan, or married to a Japanese, let us know what you think of “Sexless Japan” by leaving a comment below!)
Used to orgasm at record speed? Can girls really do that? That hints perhaps she was never truly orgasming in the first place?
Brett:
My wife is pretty upfront and honest with me about what she likes and does not likes. Not just about sex but about with everything. She is not one to fake it. I think women who fake an orgasm will do it because they have concern about their man’s feelings. They want their man to feel good. It does feel good to know that you were able to satisfy a woman. Now with my wife she really does not care about giving me a rush that I did a good job, so she would never fake it.
There are many ways to know if a woman is faking it or not. One can tell by the breathing and the heart rate. In addition there is a pulsation at the moment of an orgasm.
All women are different. Some can reach orgasm fast and some take a long time or can not reach an orgasm at all. I just have a wife that can do it quickly. When we did have sex and after she dd reach an orgasm she would basically say come on now hurry up, chop chop. I think she is pretty clueless because in by saying that it really added time for me to come.
Late to the discussion I know but figured for anyone else who happens to stumble onto this page in the future it might be of some help.
I lived/worked in Japan for a few years and at the risk of coming across of having conformation bias of the 6 Western guys married to a Japanese woman I worked with only 1 was happy. Although he met his wife in the USA in college. The rest were miserable and were on an allowance. They also slept in separate beds as well.
I dated a few Japanese women in the past but realized the values were too far apart in regards to marriage lifestyle. I am now happily married to a Thai women who has passion and is easy going.
Here is an interesting article on the subject
http://tyglobalist.org/in-the-magazine/features/single-and-sexless-celibacy-syndrome-in-japan/
Very interesting reading as I’m about to marry my Japanese girlfriend early next year, and we intend on having kids.
I have a very different expectation from her I think than many of the unhappy posters on this thread.
I do not expect her to be like a western wife. I’ve been in long term relationships with western women and find them just too stressful or wrong but in an in your face way that is far too much for me to take in the long run.
So for me reading the experiences others have made me more sure I want to marry her, not less.
She was the one to bring up the topic of intimacy after we have kids, because she says that it’s something she wants. Same with other stuff like this, she has from the beginning been the one to show needs when it comes to intimacy and affection, even PDA which surprised me a lot. Our roles are oddly enough a mild reverse of what seems to be the prevailing sense of he comments here, I am a bit less into physical affection than she is I think, but I do mostly respond well, although when she decides to get busy with my morning wood she crosses the line…
Anyway, the relationship issue most seem to have are exactly the same that I have had but with European girls, no sex, but I’ve also had a relation where she wanted sex but I was too pissed off all the time to even consider doing her. Yes, pissed off at her and resentful. In the end I gave her everything and left with just my books, clothes and laptop, I didn’t want to take anything else as it felt like it would bring the vibes with it. She wasn’t a bad person or anything but she had behavior patterns which made me feel like an incompetent doormat, and that’s I think not very different from the no affection kind of stuff.
We discuss a lot of things about what we want to do and what is important to us with my new girl, fairly often initiated by her, and she tells me about her grandparents and how they were in some ways like we are, and from what I understand they were very affectionate even at very old age, but he was also not the typical Japanese guy. Her parents are not affectionate openly but don’t sleep in separate beds or so, but I also know that they were close to divorce at some point but this is due to a clash between her moms perfectionist thing and his lack of interest in things like personal hygiene and sometimes doing something other than just the shit he likes to do. He’s not a bad guy and neither is her mom, but they aren’t what I’d call harmonious.
My thoughts reading the comments here are the following, this comes from some experience of Japan and Japanese culture and psychology.
Do not think that a Japanese girl will be like a western girl, much less so after marriage and kids. Don’t make assumptions, you need to get informed.
Prepare for the fact that it will be very hard to see past the cuteness and giggles and girly behavior to see what she is really like, but it is possible.
When you are in love you are blinded by it, unblind yourself before you do anything permanent!
Sex life: in this thread people have linked statistics by both governments and durex and basically 13% of Japanese married couples with children have sex once a week or more. If you’re the kind of person who needs that I can only suggest to look for a wife from another country. Period. Don’t take my word for it, look up the statistics.
Also, pay close attention to her personality, some are great, some are utter lunatics, the spread seems wider in Japan, the good are better than anything in the western world imo, the bad would be institutionalized in the west or something.
Be prepared that you won’t be able to expect the same kinds of things from her always and you will have to accept that many things can and will be harder than if you are from the same culture or a closer culture. But this is a general truth, but Japa culture is just far more different in certain aspects that become very important in a marriage.
Just adding my 1yen to the pile ;). I almost feel like I know some of the posters due to the amount of information I have read, and if any of you check back here, I’d just like to say I hope you are all well, and have found a way if it wasn’t posted already.
And I think what one early poster said is true, men will keep trying and making the same mistakes… It’s human nature
@JeromeJiggins, what are you now? 17? 🙂
Yeah, go to Japan and have sex with as many women as you can. But at your age why are you thinking of marriage or moving to Japan permanently? It ain’t that great.
very late to the party but i wanted to share mine just in case some fool didn’t get a clear enuf message from the rest of the comments about j wives.
I can’t tell u how many times i felt like ppl were typing out my story when i read the comments. I married a j-girl because before we got married, she was everything a man could want. she was funny, she was independent, she was good at taking care of me, and the sex – my oh my. We used to do it 2-3 times a day every day of the week during golden week. on worknights, it wud be once every night and sometimes a quickie before work (i’m like a rabbit, and thought i found my soulmate. After marriage, it was still good, though sometime switched off inside of her, i could tell, even on our honeymoon. Then, a year later, we had a kid. and now it’s been 2 years since we’ve had sex. In the first year, I tried initiating, beggingm, explaining, talking…i was excptionally nice to her all the time, because i thought maybe she was still undergoing some issues, because she had a difficult pregnancy (a lot of morning sickness). By the second year, i realized nothing i could do made a difference, and i read up on forums like this one that there are many like me.
my advice to men who want to get married to a j woman – forget about sex after kids. but if you are the kind who’s prone to stray after marriage anyway, then a j-wife will probably be the most understanding (i.e. she will look the other way) should you choose to get a girlfriend or mistress outside of marriage. As long as you can give her the dough every month, of course. If you are looking for a life long emotional bond with even a hint of sexual activity, forget j-wives is the message you want to be taking from this.
to add on, just to make it even more clear, especially for guys like brett above (i’ll assume he’s already made his choice,but maybe i can help others). We were both over 30 when we met. She seemed very open minded and didnt seem to care whether we eventually got married or not, as long as we were together. Now i think it was all a ploy to get me comfortable. i remember having a very precise conversation with her before we got married. i said look, you know i have a high sex drive.and i know after marriage or kids, maybe things slow down for some people. I do not want to be one of those. i would like to continue to make love. Her answer was “how many times a week would you like it.” So my point is, asking questions before, or trying to set expectations before marriage is aload of bs. Things WILL change and you won’t be able to do anything about it. She knows she has you by the balls, esp because, like many others here, I love my kid so don’t want to run out. Do not get married to a j-woman, unless you’re ok with a sexless and emotionless marriage.
Sorry to hear mate. Are you living in Japan? There’s no way I’d move there with the GF/wife and we’ve already decided not to have kids. We’ll just get a pet dog instead.
Long time since my last post here (around 4 years) and still, the thread is going on.
My situation: Still married to my Japanese spouse, but I live like a single now. Having had / having countless girlfriends all over Southeast asia which I now frequently visit for business trips.
The good point of having a JP wife is she will close both eyes and look the other way around on that even if it should become more or less obvious (just do NOT make it crystal clear, that can be bad as she will loose face).
Japanese men like to abandon their duty for sex with their wife after their wife gave birth. They will go after other women for sex that are not his wife. They had been grounded with a culture to buy video and watch it in their home. The culture in Japan makes Japanese women having to subdue, submissive, helpless, and compliant. Their wife is like maid at home, waiting on him to come home.
My business partners were wanting a form several days ago and were told about a web service that hosts a ton of fillable forms . If others are searching for it too , here’s
http://goo.gl/7JtaFAThis thread is now legendary – I see it referenced here and there, where ever gaijin post about sex and marriage …
Whew. I finally finished reading this entire thread after a couple of weeks on and off.
I am an American woman married to a Japanese guy. We live in the U.S. Been married 11 years now. No kids. We are quite content. The interesting thing is that our sex frequency has varied so much in that time span. Very high frequency, from like everyday or close to it for the first year to later on in our marriage, some periods being like 2 months between.
I would say the average these last several years has been once every 1 to 2 weeks. Strangely, frequency has gone up to multiple times per week in the last couple of months.
My point is, I feel that sex frequency is something that can change and does not necessarily mean it will only go downwards. It depends mainly on attitude though and it sounds like the Japanese women or sometimes men do not want to try and change themselves. Circumstances (tiredness) can become an excuse and a cover for something else, like unhappiness one partner feels toward the other or unhappiness about life in general.
The loss of sex would be devastating, even more so if there was also a complete loss of affection. I hope all of the gentlemen and ladies who posted here are doing well…at least as well as they can be. Do any of you guys or gals have updates for us?
My wife tried to pull that I am a mother now mess with me. Sex was great when we were single but then she started not enjoying it like she use to. So I told her very simply ” sex is important part of a relationship and if I don’t get it here then I will find it somewhere else. I don’t beat around the bush I get straight to the point. Talk to them and don’t hold it in and like my father told me ” take care of the smaller problem before they become too big” now my wife ask me for sex or don’t ask at all and just takes it.
Hi Mikefox
Yeah pretty much same here, she usually asks me if I want her to give me some head. Otherwise I don’t even try to wait until she gets into the mood and of course there is no foreplay. I just pretty much take it. But I have to tell you that gets old after awhile.
This is horrible. I’m glad I wasn’t born there. Based on this post, the meaning of marriage is different in their culture compared to the original purpose of matrimony between a man and a woman. Even though I wasn’t born there, I still wasn’t spared from their pornography through anime which I was exposed to when I was only 10. Now that I’m 18, I finally realize that sex is never a need nor a recreational activity unless there is a necessity for an offspring. It just goes to show that humans love to waste their time looking for a quick outlet to reach their highs instead of thinking of the consequences of their actions in the long-running bigger picture of life.
Sexually the relationship started off well but after the birth of our child we had sex less than 20 times in 4 years and then we moved from Australia to Japan and in the 12 years here we have had sex less than 10 times and it was only a minute of penetration with no climaxing not exactly love making and so for the last 4 years there as been absolutely nothing and she makes it very clear she is not interested anymore. Otherwise she is a fantastic wife and mother and there are no other problems in the marriage and the silver lining is that she encourages me to express my sexual desires else where and has suggested Thailand and even found various establishments in Japan for me to frequent, although I have not gone to any of them yet but she is perfectly happy for me to do so and budget for it and as for overseas, well that will have to until after Covid. So its a good deal because I love my wife and son as well as sex.
Ancient Japanese proverb….you can do what ever you want as long as you say Gomen if you get caught.
Steve, she’s bluffing, come home with a smile on your face and obvious signs of hot steamy sex, she will change her tune quick. Let’s just hope that this thread has saved some unsuspecting Gaijin from making the same mistakes that folks here have made.
Foreigners, don’t take the bait, don’t get suckered into a relationship you will surely regret. The politeness and open legs will all change quickly. Take your dip and move on….
This thread is still going!
The long life of this thread gives proof to the fact that many men find their marriage sexless after their Japanese wife has children. I have not had sex with my wife for more than five years, and she has made it clear that sex with her will never happen again. Coconut has the best advice in basically not taking no for an answer. I wish I did that back in the day, and by doing so her obligation of having sex would have been maintained. I took the easy path and had sex with other women. I had five different girlfriends in the last 30 years, and my wife knew about them. For her what is of importance is that I do not spend to much time and money on them. Having an affair is complicated even if the wife gives approval. I did grow to love these women and they expressed their love back to me. They waisted time with me that could have been spent with someone that was totally free.
The main advice is to not marry a Japanese woman, but if you do be a real man like Coconut. Just do it to her on a regular schedule. This will actually keep her happy and healthy because Japanese women are like children. They do not know what is good for them.
What we need is a Japanese woman married to a foreign man to come on here and answer this simple question: why do they shut down sexually after marriage and particularly after kids. And is this just relegated to foreign men?
So I read this thread and I just must ask, as someone that just gott married to a japanese woman last year, and as expected sex has dropped to almost nothing now. How do you get a agreement like coconut is talking about?
Some of you need to consider that many Japanese women have boyfriends and husbands who meet many of their needs, like security, stability and a cozy domestic life but have another man who meets their sexual needs. It is not uncommon and I say this through not only my own experience but of those I know quite well. Many Japanese women don’t expect their husbands to be able to provide every single need and want.
@Dirk, not only that, even if the Japanese wife checks out of having sex with her gaijin husband and DOESN’T have a lover, she may well think that her sexless marriage is justified given that she is unsatisfied with that part of her marriage AND the husband does well enough providing security and stability for her and her children.
I’m reading all these comments and I wonder why are you all still having kids???
Have a JP GF and even marry her if you want, but be clear that you don’t want kids and ideally get a vasectomy to guarantee it.
If they stop having sex with you, just leave them and look for a new one.
Why is that so hard?