This article is reproduced from the discontinued, but much loved Mainichi Waiwai column by Ryann Connell (article below by Masuo Kamiyama). Read more about this at the bottom of this article.

It is a well known fact that “Dutch Wives” — the Japanese term for silicone females used as sex substitutes — sell by the thousands in Japan. Some deluxe models even go for several hundred thousand yen.

What is less known, reports Uramono Japan (June), is that a counterparts of these dolls, equipped with male appendages, are available for women. And the magazine is eager to become the first to break the news about the existence of these toy boys, in an article entitled “Josei-yo dattchi dooru wa watashi wo mitashite kurureru kashira” (I wonder if a female-use Dutch doll can satisfy me).

The story is reported by Chifumi Konno, a 22-year-old woman employed by a “delivery health” (outcall sex service) company. Being experienced in matters sexual, Ms. Konno is certainly no blushing violet when it comes to telling Uramono Japan’s readers about her encounters with these new inflatable goodies.

The first of Konno’s four “boyfriends” is named “Masaki.” Although youthful, the expression painted on his rubber face, Konno writes, didn’t look happy at all — but more like he’s about to start sobbing any second. When blown up, Masaki’s procreative member points to noon. And, the reviewer notes, he’s equipped with an anal aperture on his reverse portal, but that’s more likely to be provided for gays than gals.

Although bathing together in a love hotel’s spacious tub is generally a prerequisite for cavorting atop the bed, Ms. Konno found to her frustration that no amount of force could immerse the inflatable “Masaki” below the water’s surface.

And once in bed, his foreplay technique proved nonexistent.

Then, assuming the missionary position, the moment of truth arrived. “I coated his pecker with lotion and used a hand to slip him into me,” she relates. “He was . . . big. But on top of me nothing happened.”

Based on the way his limbs bent, ‘Masaki’ seemed to be better configured for sex in the seated position. “But when his dick got all the way in, it hurt. And no amount of rubbing him was able to get me aroused,” Konno grimaces.

Next up to bat was “Yuji.” Blessed with a moustache, heavy eyebrows and a scowling visage that resembles the face of writer Chuzo Wada, he was produced by the same company as Masaki and sold for the same price (not mentioned in the article). But as masculine and vigorous as he appears, Yuji just lies there. So once again Konno was forced to take the initiative.

Then she tries to do it “doggy style,” but finds being mounted from behind to be consummately awkward. And wiggling her backside to encourage a friendly thrust or two gets no response. With Yuji, it seems, she can’t get no satisfaction either.

Next on the list was “John,” a Western import featuring three-dimensional facial features (i.e., a big nose), hairy chest and bushy moustache. And John’s, er, equipment was also proportionally larger than his Japanese rivals. Indeed, during her stint as a sex industry worker, Ms. Konno had never encountered such a huge tallywhacker, and wasn’t the least bit interested in being impaled upon it. So that was that.

Last but not least was “Ken Ijuin,” a high-tech “Dutch husband” made of semi-solid material. And so realistic, writes Konno, “He was like a corpse. Gave me the creeps at first.”

Ken’s male root was bigger than John’s, but the angle of his dangle was lower — “about what you’d expect from a 60-year-old man,” Konno sniffs — and his rubbery, chemical body odor, which a bath did nothing to alleviate, was a big turnoff.

Ms. Konno was able to accommodate about half of Ken’s shaft without undue discomfort, and said it was actually starting to feel like the real thing; but compared with a human partner the difference was still “undei no za” (as different as the clouds and mud), as they say in Japanese.

“About all he (Ken) might be good for is one of those full-body pillows to sleep with,” Konno pronounces.

To cap the story, Konno accompanies the four to a public park where cherry blossoms are in full bloom, and arranges them around a picnic table to pose for a commemorative photo.

“The girls who saw them said they thought ‘John’ was the cutest,” she winks. “Well that just goes to show, until you’ve actually made it with one, you never can tell who’s the best.”

〜★〜★〜★〜★〜★〜★〜★〜★〜

(The Mainichi Waiwai column ran online from April 19, 2001 – June 21, 2008. It was a much loved form of entertainment amongst foreigner in and outside of Japan. To any reader it was obviously not serious news, but it was a set of articles that portrayed quite well how the Japanese tabloids actually write about their own country. In 2008, a small number of Japanese people bought it to the attention of rival news groups that Mainichi was running an anti-Japan column on its website. With the bad publicity, Mainichi was forced to shut the page down, and take punitive measures against the journalists that were working on it, claiming that it was receiving opinions that were critical of the column, such as “its contents are too vulgar” and “the stories could cause Japanese people to be misunderstood abroad”. A perfect example of how Japanese consider what they write in their own script to be an acceptable secret code, that the rest of the world cant understand. When that same tabloid rubbish gets inconveniently translated to English to make light of some aspects of the Japanese people, it gets canned. Stippy.com finds this unacceptable, and will reproduce as much of the Waiwai content as possible in order to bring it once again to our computer screens for a good laugh. Of course we claim no credit for this content, and attribute it to it’s writers who were former Mainichi employees. Waiwai in its true and glorious form has been discontinued, but it’s legacy will live on at stippy.com for all to enjoy.)