With maid cafes where pretty young girls that ooze submissiveness to their “masters”, and “shuccho health” (出張ヘルス, basically, dial-a-prostitute) and soap-lands (sensual bathing houses with soapy special service) to vending machines for porn, and specialty shops with used high school girl underwear; Japan, at least on the surface appears one of the most sexually proactive nations in the world. Japanese men are as perverted (if not more perverted) than those in other countries, and as for the ladies, on top of being naturally feminine (with petite sexy bodies, skin that doesn’t seem to change complexion from childhood, pretty faces and silky black hair), the women of Japan have no misconceptions about what style – clothes, perfume and make up – makes a man stop in his tracks, and rouse that tingle in his loins.
When interacting with others, sex and everything surrounding it is fair game for a topic of conversation in Japan and, it is certainly not frowned upon by religious groups or society at large as it is in the USA and other countries. When it comes to secreting sexual hormones and sexuality in general, almost nothing is taboo in Japan – until that is, the day one gets married, or so it seems. Indeed in stark sexual contrast, Japan may be suffering from a sexual drought, where being totally open about sex and being sexy in general, doesn’t seem to be converted into the ins-and-outs of baby making when it comes to married couples.
Shown in these statistics, a recent survey by Japan’s health ministry found that as many as one-third of all marriages in Japan are sexless. The problem is now so widespread that the government fears it is a major contributor to the dramatic plunge in Japan’s birthrate (now only 1.28 births per woman). This sexless phenomenon is not only found in those relationships that are plunging down the drain toward divorce, but to the contrary, more and more couples that consider themselves healthily married (and have no intention of separating), have not had sex with each other in the last month or more (the common definition of “sexless” in Japan), with many saying that they have not had sex together in the last 6 months to one year.
According to the most recent survey of 41 nations last October, the average Japanese has intercourse 45 (and according to Bayer Pharmaceuticals as low as 17) times a year, compared with the global average of 103. Japan is repeatedly at the bottom of the list. Last year it trailed Singapore, which was 28 shags a year higher!
The term “sexless”, was first used in Japan in the early 1990s, but now is instantly recognizable to the Japanese as a universally understood concept, and widely discussed in the media. There are books on the subject and thousands websites and heartbreaking blogs discussing sexless Japan, while letters on the subject fill agony columns on “dear doctor”-type sites.
One in five sexless couples say they view sex simply as a nuisance. A small number cite the lack of a private space, because children or elderly parents often sleep just the other side of a paper-thin door, leading many married couples to even sleep in separate rooms. Mitsui Home announced recently in an Asahi Newspaper article, that in 30% of the new houses they build, the couples are asking for 2 “master” bedrooms. This is a shocking statistic, which shows that sexless couples want to continue living their lives together – separately! “We are sort of room-mates rather than a married couple”, one 31-year-old man, who had not had sex with his wife for two years, told the Asahi Shinbun.
There are many other theories about why the Japanese become less inclined to raunchy evenings in the sack together, but likely it is a mixture of some of these:
- Stress of work/life in Japan (maybe the taihen cloud?)
- Lack of understanding, and usage of contraception, especially “the pill” (who wants to use condoms with their wife!?), making sex with your wife viable only when you want to have a baby
- Abundance of 不倫 (furin, or extra-marital) relationships
- More and more Japanese women choosing career over family
- A tendency among Japanese married couples to feel an aversion to sex with their spouse, not because they dislike one another, but rather because they feel that they have more of a sister-brother relationship; the sanctity of which would be destroyed with a repulsive incest-like feeling, by what westerners would consider normal conjugal relations
The last point is an interesting one, as in the past, it has been traditionally Japanese women who complained that they couldn’t see their hubby “as a member of the opposite sex.” But in the last few years, there’s been an exponential increase in men who can’t view their wives as sexual partners either. While it is true that many Japanese married couples seem to be sexless in nature, they key thing to remember is that this certainly does not mean that they lack the desire for sexual fulfillment. While marriage and children may bring on a sex drought in the home, Japanese people who want (and in the case of most men, need) sex do not simply abstain from sex because they cannot see the feminine qualities in their own wife, or the sexual attraction of their hard working husband.
Japanese men love their companies; they live for work, and many don’t even think it is a problem if they don’t have sex with their wives. They have pornography and the sex industry (soap lands, cabaret bars, and dial-a-girl services, and trips to Taiwan) to take care of their needs, but their wives have nowhere to go. They just suffer in silence.. or do they? The divorce rate in Japan has nearly doubled in the past 10 years, with more women blaming their sexually inactive, as opposed to sexually errant, husbands for break-ups. Though they may not be seeking sexual pleasure from their better halves, married Japanese women are seeking intimacy from other sources (many even claim to have a sex addiction), leading double lives – being the good mother, while at the same time seeking out “Leroy” the lover, who is always lurking, and ready to fulfill her every desire.
Japan is full of temptation, and it doesn’t matter whether you are a housewife or salary-man, there is plenty of raunchy action waiting out there – if that is what you desire. Furin sites to find a (extra marital) “sex friend” partner are just as rampant in Japan as in other countries, however they are much more widely used by women in Japan to solve their sexless quandaries. For the more conservative ladies, sites like mixi.jp – which are neutrally classed as “social networking” spaces – are abound with profiles (men and women) looking for partners to secretly spruce up their sexless, but otherwise happily married lives.
Many Japanese marriages may be sexless, but this is only a statistic about the state of sex within marriage itself. In fact, there may be a good reason for the sexless condition of marriages here – Are the Japanese getting enough of the good stuff outside their marriages to keep them happy? I certainly think so.
Japanese people will never be sexless as individuals; therefore Japan is not sexless, so don’t let mere statistics confuse the situation!
(If you are married in Japan, or married to a Japanese, let us know what you think of “Sexless Japan” by leaving a comment below!)
@R2: I married in Tokyo 16 years ago and moved to the states 12 years ago. Sex comes and goes in waves, affected by childrearing fatigue and more recently perimenopausal hormone surges/ebbs. Overall I don’t think we have sex any less frequently than my American friends do with their American wives. But to your point about “acting like a man”. We’ve always had a great marriage but about 3 months ago she finally confronted me after years of being silently frustrated and told me we need a clearer separation of duties. Previously, if I saw dishes piled up or a mountain of laundry I’d wash or fold it – aren’t husbands supposed to be helpful in that regard? I figured if I saved her time doing housework it would get us to bed earlier than midnight and make sex more likely. Turns out I was driving her nuts – she’d rather I get out of the way to watch TV, read, whatever and leave the “wifely duties” to her. This includes vacuuming, grocery shopping… all the stuff I used to help with because I’ve been brainwashed by a western society that encourages a 50/50 division of household chores. Isn’t that one of the reasons Japanese women marry gaijin? (Unlike Japanese men I’m still very involved with the kids – homework, reading, playing whatever – I could never give that up and she wouldn’t want me to). It’s been surprisingly difficult adjusting to letting my wife do all the housework but after a couple months I’m definitely starting to enjoy it and the kicker is, our sex life has gone from 1-2 times a month to 1-2 times a week! I joke with her that if I ever get remarried I’ll be nagged and criticized by my new wife. Needless to say every woman is different but I recommend you all give this counter-intuitive strategy a try. Cheers.
@Dude
God bless you man! I am happy to hear to worked out for you. My sexless Japanese ex-wife would always say, “Maybe if you washed the dishes, I would feel like sex”, which was her attempt to manipulate me (I worked two jobs, she stayed at home, and she wanted ME to wash the dishes? I don’t think so….)
I am happy to hear that you are happy.
As for myself, I will never marry, date, or get involved with an Asian woman (I hear Chinese women are quite similar) for the rest of my natural life.
I’d be interested to hear the experiences of men who married Thai or Filipina women.
I am one of the rare gaijin women married to a Japanese guy.
We are having serious relationship problems and I have just realised that it probably has a lot to do with us being close to 100% sexless since we found out we were expecting our first child a year and a half ago. He is having an affair, and may or may not know that I know, but I fear that if I confront him our relationship will end quickly and nastily, so I want to win him back. I figure that if the affair is purely about sex, if I can only get him to sleep with me again (which I genuinely want to, not just in order to manipulate, despite how this may sound!) we might have a small chance at mending our relationship. Now, he prefers me not to come within 2 feet of him, and every time I try to make a move in bed, or even ask him to hug me or let me hug him or anything, he says ” I don’t feel like it” or “I don’t feel that way about you any more”. He also says that I haven’t been taking any pride in my appearance since becoming a mother. I have been making an effort since he said that and I still need to lose another few pounds to get back to my old weight but I suspect that blaming my appearance and saying he isn’t attracted to me might just be an excuse to cover up the fact that he is quite satisfied shagging the other girl.
Before we got pregnant there had been a number of times when he felt rejected because I didn’t respond to his hints at wanting sex, but in general we were in love and happy and enjoyed sex pretty well on average. He told me that this rejection really hurt him, and that he is not the kind of guy who can survive without sex.
Once we knew I was pregnant he said he didn’t want to, because he was afraid of damaging the foetus. I told him there are safe positions at most stages, but he didn’t want to, and I let it go too easily. He said he thinks I was pleased to be let off the hook, and perhaps a part of me was at that time. I completely trusted him when he said it was different when I was pregnant at that he could wait. He started cheating a few weeks before the baby was due. After the baby came along and I recovered and tried to let him know I was ready he always used the excuse that we would wake the baby. just once I pretty much forced him to sleep with me, and It was such hard work to get him to do it that I felt like I was making him cheat on someone –which I was in a sense, only I didn’t know it at the time.
Anyway, he is really cold to me now, but I desparately want him back, and I don’t know how much longer this feeling of wanting to try is going to last, so I need to act fast!
How can I seduce my husband?? How can I win him back? How can I make myself attractive to him again, as a lover not just as his kid’s mother?
Any advice please??
japanic
was your sex life acceptable before you got pregnant?
who initiated before you got pregnant?
Japanese men often look (unknowingly) for wives who will be surrogate mothers. You found one Japanic. Give him what he wants and dominate him throughly.
Kauyumochi,
What do you mean “give him what he wants”?
mitaboy,
Our sex life was good most of the time, but probably at times less frequent than what he wanted – sometimes 3 times a day but at least once we went more than a month, which was when I was totally absorbed with my career and (he feels) he was second priority. Definitely the fact that I sometimes went to sleep when he was trying to initiate something is still a big issue for him — hurt him a lot I guess. (We have been living together for about 6 years by the way)
Now no matter how hard I try he refuses to show any affection let alone have sex with me. He says I spent years destroying our relationship so I can’t expect it to be fixed with one shag (which I don’t, but I believe there’s a chance it might help). But I told him that I think if we don’t start having sex again, it’s probably just a matter of time until we get divorced, and he says that isn’t what he wants. But still no progress.
He will almost physically injure himself trying to get away and says if I push him too hard he won’t come home!
I think Japanese men and women at some stage have a very unhealthy view of gender roles after becimeing parents input into them. That parents are not sexy etc… But I don’t know if that is the issue here or not.
hi to all
It’s been a while since I posted.
Japanic, you’re in a tough situation and I want to share what’s going on with me right now. I wonder if there’s anything I can say that will be of use. Please see my previous posts to get the story. Anyway,…
I told my wife about the girlfriend. She had no idea that anything had been going on and was devastated. I explained that the reason for the affair had been a total lack of sex at home. She apologised to me for driving me away! She also said that she had wanted sex and had often fantasized about it with other men and had taken to masturbating on a regular basis. So, here we were, two people wanting sex but totally unable to communicate what we wanted. My wife had become a mother and I missed her being the “total whore” in bed. At last, when the affair came out, I told her what I actually wanted to do when we have sex. She was totally turned on!
I have not seen the gf for a week since I came out about the affair, and have been having very good sex with my wife. She went out and bought loads of sexy lingerie. And she is acting like the total whore in the bedroom again. Can I keep up?
She has lost her shape a bit, and the gf was both younger and slimmer, but my wife is my “type”. She always has been. (Lovely curvy bum which I am now telling her about non-stop in bed!!)
So what happened? – We stopped communicating about sex when she was pregnant and never got back to talking about it. My wife is sexy and attractive. I realise now that another guy would be happy to take over if I wasn’t interested.
Japanica, what would your husband do if you really apologised for the past (denying him sex) and said that you want to get it back on with him? Maybe, do something very overt in the bedroom – wearing something sexy or play with yourself and ask him if he wants to join in. Maybe, say that you need sexual satisfaction and have thought that if he can’t deliver then you’d have to resort to other means i.e. an affair. The thought of another guy satisfying my wife more than me would really dent my ego, and even knowing that she was only fantasising about it has made me buck my ideas up.
Your comments please.
Anru,
thanks for sharing your experiences so openly. It is helpful as there are certainly some common aspects. (Including that communication about sex broke down during pregnancy and hasn’t been successfully restored since, and that the gf is no doubt younger and slimmer than the wife who has lost her shape a bit…)
I have apologised several times about the past, and he says “ima sara?! If you realise it is so important why didn’t you wake up to the problem years ago when I tried to warn you?” And he has a point, and I don’t know the answer. But perhaps I need to keep apologising until my message is received.
Thanks for your suggestions, I am thinking about what might work for us…
Any more suggestions would be really welcome.
By the way, Anru, I was reading your old posts so this may be out of date but does she really know that you want her to work? My husband in part blames my working too much for our sexlessness, and also wishes I would stop working now and just be a full time housewife/mother. So I thought your wife might just be assuming that you want the satisfaction of fitting into the typical Japanese male gender role of sole bread-winner… especially now that you are a family.
Japanic,
I think your husband is hanging on to a lot of resentment from the days when he wasn’t getting sex from you. Furthermore, I’d say he’s using it now as an excuse to have an affair. As long as he’s resentful, he can justify having the girlfriend. I know because that’s what I did.
Why don’t you confront him over the affair if you know about it? He says he doesn’t want divorce. Why not go to the katei saiban (family court) and register a complaint about the relationship. Say that he’s having an affair and withholding sex from you. Maybe first of all go there and get the paperwork and bring it home and explain what will happen if he doesn’t change his ideas.
I went through the family court for my divorce from my first Japanese wife (you’re talking to an experienced trooper here!!). They provided two mediators and we went at it like that. They deal with all kinds of family issues and wives complaining about their husbands’ infidelity is near the top of the list.
Yes, it’s a lot of work for sure, but you have to ask yourself some serious Qs. Is this relationship worth saving? You have a kid, right? Would you be able to keep the kid if you get divorced? Tread very carefully on this ground and do your research. Gaijin have little going for them when confronted with a custody case.
Re wife working. We live in the UK at present and will relocate to Japan in 2 weeks! Life in the UK is very expensive – you need 2 salaries if you want to do more than just exist. My wife was quite depressed because she hates living here. She just didn’t have the energy to find a job. In Japan we can (and previously could) live on just my wages when we had our daughter. She says she’ll get some part-time work and I have also said I won’t be working to burn out again. I think it’s good for her to have a job because it gives her more social contact as well as some extra dosh. I never wanted to fit into the Japanese male stereotype of being the breadwinner. She’s 44 so it’ll be tough to find anything other than basic pt work no doubt.
Hope this is of some use. Keep asking the comments
Anru,
Glad to hear things have taken a turn for the better for you. In regards to your advice to Japanic, there were a number of Japanese women living in the same building my wife and I did in Japan who kept the paperwork needed to file for a divorce on hand – it seemed to have worked (and kept their husbands in line) because none of them to this day have divorced. Japanic, you may want to consider going and getting those papers and leave them where your husband can find them …
Like you Anru, we lived comfortably on what I made in Japan but it is tough to do that here in the States. Another reason to return ….
kayumochi,
Thanks for the validation re “getting the papers”!
If you do come back and ever come to Kansai then look me up.
Well, two weeks to go before we head back, and what a way to be doing that. Right now my wife is in the shower after having me pick out tonight’s lingerie. She’s already given me a dose of “bamboo flute” after stepping out of the shower and I am sitting here typing this knowing I am one hell of a lucky guy. Tomorrow, we’re going to buy some stuff from a sex shop and some cheaper womens’ fashion stores.
God, who’d have known this would be happening!
Japanica, take heart! If this can happen to me, it can certainly happen to anyone. I really thought my situation was beyond reparation.
Anru, how is the girlfriend taking all this? If I go back it will either be Tohoku or Tokyo – I know nothing of Kansai.
Anru & Kayumochi,
Thanks for the advice. Can’t tell you how good it is to have straight advice from “beteran”s!
I think I will get the papers and the lingerie!
How do I confront him about the affair? I found out by stumbling over their chats on his computer when he lent it to me, but thought it might have just been a phone sex kind of thing. Then kind of snooping to find out whether it was still going on or not.
He is going to blame me for not respecting his privacy, and hate me. (逆ギレ）
Do I work on trying to get him to sleep with me before confronting him or not?
I’d appreciate your opnions.
It is quite inspiring to hear your updates Anru!
Kayumochi,
The gf was saying that when we were in Japan she didn’t think it was possible to continue because of work, distance, blah blah blah, and I thought that was fair enough, although was getting quite attached. Now, she’s saying: “I love you and want to see you again, and I’ll wait till next April” Funny that…I’m gonna wait and see. First of all, is the home situation really gonna continue? To be honest, I think it will, but maybe not to the intensity it is now.
Japanic,
Re confronting.
1. Just tell him that if he isn’t getting it from you, then he’s certainly getting it from somewhere! You KNOW he’s having an affair.Women’s intuition. Period! And if he’s REALLY not doing anything then: “let’s play tonight”. (chance 1).
2. If that fails, then announce you’re off to the family court the next day. (chance 2)
3. Bring the papers back, show him, and once again invite him to play. (chance 3)
4. If that fails, return to family court and start proceedings. This will take a week and they’ll send him a letter. When he gets that then he’ll know you’re serious and the game is up.
Don’t tell him you have been snooping. Leave that to the mediators.
Here’s another way. Go to Yahoo answers and write an entry. “My husband refuses to have sex with me and I suspect …how would I find out if he is blah blah blah(give your story, but leave out the snooping) You will get loads of replies I guarantee it! Then, show him. For sure the replies will say: he’s shagging someone else behind your back and you should check his computer! (probably 100 times). You then use this to introduce the idea that he may just be playing away from home. Maybe then say you have had a look at his computer as a result of such overwhelming public opinion. He’ll deny it for sure. Then go to step 1 above and let battle commence. In this method, it was the other people who told you to do it, and they all can’t be wrong, can they?
(I used this method once when my wife went to Paris on my birthday with a friend. Boy, the ammo it gave me!)
I think when you try to initiate sex in the above steps then you should be ready to make it one he’ll remember too. Lingerie…whatever pops his sox. Also, you’ve seen the sex chat on his computer. Is there anything in there you’ve seen that might give you a clue to what he’s into. Has there ever been something he wanted to try but you felt it wasn’t for you? Might be a time to reconsider. Study about getting dirty and slutty in the bedroom. We love it – that really is how simple we are. He has to see your sexual being is totally separated from being a “mum”. How do you dress during the day? How do you do your hair? My wife had been wearing jeans for the past 6 years. Now she’s wearing skirts. I look at her now. Not just in the bedroom. I look at her everyday and think this is a sexy attractive woman. When we walk around town I know guys are checking her out. It feels good to be with a woman that other guys might be interested in.
Well, last night went as expected. Trying loads of “new” stuff. Too graphic to describe here perhaps.
Look forward to your responses.
Wow, Anru, it’s interesting to get an insight into how the male of the species thinks on these matters.
If you don’t mind my asking, what made you decide to tell your wife about the affair? And what made you kind of open up to her again?
My husband is so closed off at the moment. I feel that gradually he may be starting to let down his wall but whenever I talk to him about it he says it’s going to take time and that any pressure I put on him (including to let me be affectionate) will just push him away. I’m trying to work out if it’s best to give him some time and show him that I am changing, or if it is best to take a risk and act now given that his relationship with the other girl could be progressing…
Any thoughts anyone?
japanica,
I came home very late one night heavily under the influence of drink! She tore me off a strip, and I decided to retaliate with the confession.
I thought that would be it, and we would be divorced and the return to Japan called off. Instead, she apologised to me and said she understood why I had strayed. I apologized for the gf and the next day she went very very H on me. After 2 shags in a year, and pretty poor ones at that, I was sceptical. I didn’t believe her advances. Where were they coming from? After the drought it was suddenly pouring! But, after a week we are still at it. Early days? We will see…
Sexy lingerie, sex toys, and bjs aside, we are listening to the old tunes on YouTube that we listened to back in the late 90s. The romance is back. We are a couple. We’ve reclaimed “us”. We sneak kisses in the kitchen while our daughter does her homework in the living room. I tell her her bum looks sexy in whatever. She whispers that she wants me later. THIS is making love!! All day, everyday. Not just when we’re in the sack. Tonight, she’s gone out with some friends for a goodbye party. Rather than let her take the underground I arranged a taxi. I made the effort for her. And it felt good. And it felt good for her too!
Japanica, remember when nothing was too much trouble for you? When you’d do anything for him, before you were married? – You’d run and get a towel and dry him off when he came in from the rain; Get out of bed and get him a glass of water; Just kiss him for the sake of kissing him. And he’d do (whatever) likewise. That’s what a couple need to recapture. We take each other for granted quite quickly. We stop seeing the attractiveness in each other. We stop caring if we are noticed by our partners because we just assume that they’ll always be there. I would say that if you want him to take notice of you, then first take notice of him. Really focus on what it is about him that you find attractive, and just hold your attention on it when he’s there with you and when he’s not. Keep the focus on that and it will grow. Maybe even write it down.
We had become terribly hazukashi about the sex thing. We had become “mum” and “dad” and somehow ashamed of our own sexuality. My wife had become totally non-sexual (to me). I felt somehow repulsed by seeing her body because she was now a mum. We don’t want to have sex with the mums in our lives. But now, I don’t see her as only a mum (to our daughter) she is “C” who I had/have a very steamy love affair with.
Anyway,…
Anru,
that is wonderful that things are going well for you after a period that no doubt seemed as hopeless as I feel now…
I think you give good advice, and I had already been trying to do what you suggested with regards happily bending over backwards to do some little things for him because I love him.And I had started trying to write a little letter to him telling him why I fell in love with him & why I love him still… Do you think it’s best to give that to him or should it just be for me?
I’m still struggling to come to terms with something I think you said — do you thing that most guys want their wives/partners to behave like the actresses in the porn they watch?? Or do you think this varies a lot from one guy to another? Any other opinions than Anru’s?
Japanica, what is a turn on for me is a woman who is authentically sexually self-expressed without acting like she is naive and unsure about what she wants sexually or going to the other extreme and acting like a porn actress. I want authenticity in whatever form it takes.
Anru, it sounds like you are on top of the situation with the girlfriend on the back burner and with you happy in bed with the wife. Japanica, you may want to take control of your situation in whatever way works best for you. Keeping the divorce papers on hand has worked for others I know …
Thanks Kayumochi,
Does anyone know a link to a website with info on how to contact/get to the katei saiban? I tried searching in English and Japanese, and found a website with general info about the legal system in Japan,(www.courts.go.jp) but nothing specific about contact or access.
Also any advice on how to find about about child custody judgements would be appreciated.
Hi Japanic, looks like you were on the right page, here:
http://www.courts.go.jp/saiban/syurui/kazi/kazi_02-01.html
It tells you of a 20 minute process you can go through called 家事手続案内 (kajitetsuduki annai). It is like an 受付 (reception) service for the Katisaiban system, kind of a triage I guess.
On another page, here:
http://www.courts.go.jp/saiban/qa/qa_kazi/qa_kazi05.html
It tells you that for family issues like divorce, there are two steps to the court process after the initial 家事手続案内 above. First, they will help you talk about your issue with a family mediator (家事調停). Then, if that doesn’t solve your issue, you move into a Personal Court Hearing (人事訴訟).
There is a very good page here telling you everything you need to do to start the 人事訴訟. It even has a 訴状 that you can download in PDF format to fill in to start the process… (Maybe just print this out, and leave it lying around??):
http://www.courts.go.jp/saiban/syurui/kazi/kazi_04.html
Anyway, why not just give your local court a call:
http://www.courts.go.jp/map_tel.html
Obviously my translations are not official, but should be good enough, but I assume you can read Japanese anyway?
im so stress… 🙁
Hi all: I have just read the Savoei family case.Lets hope it will open the doors for fathers/parents who hasnt seen their kids because of the Japanese divorce law.Ive read Japan is reconsidering it.
IM MARRIED 2 A JAPANESE WOMAN …she was nice when i met her then when we got married every and returned to japan every thing changed..she became aself centered pushy demandin moody beach..never marry a jap..its a big pain the he ahole……..
Sexy Seasons Greetings to you all!!
Can someone save Aussiebob from himself? He talks of being with an ex-prostitute etc and that’s his own affair, i pass no judgements. He posts links showing pics of his designer collectibles. Again no problem with that. Problem is the links to his treasured goodies also contain pics of his kids and wife. I don’t think its fair for him to describe what he does with his wife and, at the same time, make available pics of her and his kids online. The man is a narcissistic twit. Severely lacking in giri-ninjo spirit. Dumber than dumb, this man has an attention deficit problem. Bring out the Ritalin.
I will write my conclusions on the subject, but please remember that what I say is a generalization. So maybe your experience is different and I understand that. But through my own experience and talking with hundreds of people, watching movies, TV and living in this culture for twenty years, I will explain it. And some of you will realize and say aha-hah!
It really is true that the majority of Japanese married couples don’t have sex that often. The problem is that gaijin come here, have wild sex with their girlfriends and think that they have struck gold. They wrongly assume that it will continue like that. I have lost count of the number of really nice gaijin men who thought they would keep romance and sex alive only to find that their Japanese wife sleeps with the kids, calls him papa or otousan, and has no concept that the man still needs sex.
You see, most Japanese women still want to get married. And a lot of them want to get married to a man who will provide for them and let them get on with enjoying their lives. So they want children, and want to spend their time their way, and have a husband who provides the money. Many Japanese still see marriage as the social thing to do, and a contract. The woman cooks and has the children. The man works. Even if the woman also works, she won’t see her husband as the romantic guy that she can’t wait to have passionate sex with. I even know young Japanese couples with no kids who don’t have that much sex.
One of the problems and reasons is that many Japanese don’t talk about sex directly. They will do it, and watch it, and talk about it when they are drunk, but if a couples don’t enjoy it, or one side wants to fix it up, they aren’t used to the Western idea of “honey, let’s sit down and talk directly and honestly”. And is basically hard to fix things if you don’t do that. Now if as a gaijin you think that must make life difficult, well you are right. And Japanese couples have the same problem. So they just drift apart and get used to it. Like so many other things i japan they just resign themselves to it (shou ga nai).
So many men don’t have sex with their wives, but have it with a girlfriend, pay for it, do it themselves etc, and yes, some are that tired and drunk that they don’t need it as much as the average American.
And women being what they are on AVERAGE don’t need sex as much. But the ones who do might also have affairs. But most of them carry on the affairs without their husbands knowing about it.
The crazy thing is that many, and I repeat many of the same women who don’t have sex with their husbands, had wild sex with them before marriage – often to show him they were the best, etc and as part of the way of getting married. And these same women often had affairs with married men.
But its easier to get excited about sex with a married man who you see once a week or month or whatever in a love hotel. When a woman is in love with a man, and especially if she hopes that one day he will marry, the sex is usually not a problem. But when she’s married? Then there is no need for her to pretend. ANd yes, when you are tired and stressed and have babies everywhere, many women simply don’t have the same desire.
So the answer? For a gajin man, the worse thing you can do is get mad. Even worse is to beg or cry. But doing housework probably won’t work either. You will just do more housework, and then get either depressed or mad as hell that even after doing that nothing changes.
You see, many Japanese women boast that they haven’t had sex for years, or that they wouldn’t want it with their husbands. And they will joke about it together.
Incidentally I know a Japanese woman whose friends are all married to gaijin, and they all complain about how much gaijin men want sex.
If you are a gaijin woman married to a japanese man you
have it worse. At least if you are a gaijin man, you can just demand sex. Yeah, you will feel terrible, and it isn’t what you want, and in our culture you will feel like a rapist, etc etc, but the same Japanese woman who doesn’t have sex freely, and justifies it on the basis of “that’s how it is with married couples”, knows that she is a “bad wife” if she actually refuses.
So you can divorce if you want, and then yes, you will have lots of wild sex with the thousands of willing Japanese women who will gladly act like a porn star with you on the first or at least third date. Or you could stay married and there will still be thousands of Japanese single women who will have no moral problems with meeting you. But will you be happy with that?
Back to the gaijin women, it will be even harder for you to be straight with your Japanese husband and ask for sex. Esp if you are pregnant or looking after a baby.
In short, Japanese need to learn about marriage. Go to a western bookstore and there are zillions of books about how to keep romance and sex alive in marriage even into old age. In Japan, most women would not feel up to hiring a babysitter so they can have a passionate date with their husbands.
But, get with a group of drunk Japanese – men and women, and everyone will be laughing about sex and affairs and sexless etc. It’s a sad society.
P.S Japanese women will often fake pleasure and orgasm after orgasm. Then when they are married you will wonder what happened. What happened is that they don’t have to act anymore.
Okay, the guys hanging out with single chicks and some liberated Japanese, or westernized will say I don’t know what I am talking about. But I speak from decades of experience with the inside of Japan and hearing Japanese talk in japanese about japanese. this may not help many of you, but at least I hope that for some of you, you will realize that the problem is not necessarily that you are not loving or desirable, or romantic enough. But whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up over it. Find a solution, but don’t get depressed, and don’t do anything rash.
So if you are waiting for that sexless Japanese wife to initiate – you are doing the wrong thing. She will be able to hold out longer than you. Just do it. If she punches or kicks back then that means stop.
But if she is motionless or unresponsive to kisses, touches, don’t stop. And don’t stop if she says “yamete” either. And even if after the end it wasn’t great sex, well, some kind of sex is better than no sex for most people. And it will better than thinking, “hey it’s been 3 days, or 6 days..or longer…and I even did this or that or let her do that etc and she still hasn’t come to me”.
Also, remember that if a woman is wanting divorce she may not want to initiate herself. But if through manipulation, she can drive to an affair and have proof, or get you so made that you touch her in anger, than she can tell everyone that you cheated on her, or did domestic violence, and then she will have all the sympathy and you will be the bad guy. And then telling people that you were unhappy with your sex life won’t work.
Anru & Japanic, how are things going with you?
Wow! This forum is still going! Well, none posted since before New Years, but I’m amazed at how long it’s gone on. My last post was #127 (26 Jul 2007 at 7:47 am). How are things fairing? By now, I’m sure that everyone has solved all of their problems and found peace within happy, healthy, loving & sexually satisfying marriages!
If interested, you could look back at those old posts of mine and see what my story was – my first post was #30 (30 Mar 2007 at 12:16 am) – but for now I will just say… hmmm… say what? Well, I wish I had known then what I know now! (By “then”, I mean both back in 2007 when I first posted here, and way back in 1993 when I married the Japanese woman whom I still love very much.)
I started to write a brief summary of what has gone on in our marriage since my last post of July ’07, but that “brief” update became 3 pages and isn’t close to finished. I’ll probably edit down what I’ve got and post it here soon, but I’ll just say that I’m surviving – our 4 kids make me prouder every day, my wife and I are still together, and it continues to be hard. That said, we’re definitely better off now than before. Things have definitely improved, but the change has been glacial. I have continually had to lower my expectations and expand the time frame in which I expect to see changes.
I will post more later, but I’ll just add a thanks to the many folks here who helped me by sharing their thoughts and personal experiences. Even those with whom I would still strongly disagree have often provided food for thought that helped me better understand my own situation. For that, I am very grateful.
kayumochi
It\’s been a long time … hope you are well. we came back to nippon (osaka) at the start of Nov. 09.
things are very good. thank you.
after confessing the affair back in Oct 09 it has been full on sex with the wife – more than I can ever have imagined!! In fact, there are times I wish she\’d just go to sleep.she is up for up EVERY night!!! ….yes!! EVERY night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, to all you sex-starved gaijin married to a japanese women who has stopped wanting sex: have an affair and tell her! OK, it depends on your situation, but for us it worked wonders. It was just the thing my missus needed to hear to get her back on track. And to be honest my wife was always much better than the girlfriend anyway. So I\’m a happy man – except for the job situation…. wow is it quiet here.
so what\’s happening with you kayumochi?
kakui
good to see your post.
keep posting, and asking Qs
Anru
Arnu, am glad to hear things are going well with you (what happened to the girlfriend?). I am on an indefinite break from Japan (since ’06). You mentioned the job situation there. I know this is off-topic but how is the job situation there?
kayumochi,
the girlfriend is still in London finishing whatever course it was that she was doing. I had got attached to her to be honest and so breaking it off was a bit difficult, but it had to be done. I also realised that I had far more in my relationship with my wife. For the girlfriend I was just a bit of fun abroad and she was never going to entertain the idea of anything more serious. We broke contact, and I haven’t heard from her since.
jobs…. mmm.
It might be too early to say (been here only 11 wks, and arrived end of year) but it seems a lot slower than 5 years ago. Got something but only a short contract. Wondering also if my age is going against me now. 44, but here that seems ancient for some reason. The wife is happy to be back … not sure really if I am yet.
If I had had a career back in the UK I would not have come back here. Getting old in Japan… do I really want to do that?
Hahaha, now this is why I’m glad I’m of the younger and raunchier, “disgusting” generation, as well as being an extremely fertile Chinese wifey.
I’ve had sex with my S.O. a lot, and it’s continued for several, several years already with no end in sight. The trick is to never let your mind grow old. Both of you must have the willpower to keep evolving in spirit, and to never stagnate when you reach middle-age and have those stupid “mid-life crises.” You can beat that. Mind over matter.
If you really must be so draconian about your sex habits and need ample tips, having porn around for both of you to watch helps, as well as engaging in threesomes with hot lonely Japanese wives during vacations. Pretty easy to find those. Let it out. Like in Vegas right.
Everyone really just needs to quit having all these hangups already. About anything, sex life, what you wear. Throw all those hangups out of the window.
Any wife who refuses to put out consistently is really lame in my opinion, I’m sorry. “Oh man I’m a bitch, I’m tired because I didn’t take it a little easier in the day and I didn’t make up for it. Oh man, my female friend said something that put seeds of doubt into my head so I’m gonna deny sex and not explain why. Oh man, I didn’t even TRY wild and abandoned sleepsex or even do Kegel exercises and I don’t know what I’m missing so I’m going to deny you sex, bye.” It’s always those fucking excuses that women came to me with every single time they wanted some sort of relationship advice, holy shit.
But any husband who does the same is also lame. Sex is very very important in your relationship, right up there next to your Respect and Love and Trust for each other.
I know women are creatures that like connection during sex. But it’s pretty easy to figure out. Even if you date a bitch for 4 years, you should be ready to break it off if either of you ever lose interest, otherwise you will definitely be settling for Mr. or Mrs. “Right-Now” instead of “Perfect”, as the saying goes. Don’t be an underachiever, no woman wants that, right?
I know being submissive is a fetish only for some, but damn, women are submissive by default and it feels exhilarating to simply “service” your husband EVEN when you as the woman don’t feel like having sex. It starts off as a “no,” then it becomes a “yes.” If this isn’t the case for her then maybe you should go find somebody else, or you’ll just be stuck in a marriage with less sex than you’d like, as a man. Nobody said you had to stick around with anybody. Nobody’s forcing you, certainly not her. If two people don’t mesh well, then they don’t mesh well. You’re not treating anybody like a product if you dump somebody plainly because she won’t put out.
Marriage does NOT have to be such a “pain” that everyone else around me seems to keep thinking. You simply are not trying hard enough to bring your standards of perfection up. There’s nearly 7 billion people on this planet and if you can’t traverse the earth for a hot busty or flat-chested girl or tranny of your dreams ready to put out AND be your best video game partner AND be your confidante, then you basically have failed.
Don’t be average.
Shoot for the sky, you know?
God, nobody ever tries anymore, it makes me sad when I hear about sexless marriages and mine is absolutely thriving. Especially when I’m probably going to fuck YOUR wife someday, her in between me and my husband. Tch.
Older people can be such boring dinosaurs. My way isn’t the path to destruction either. Religion also is a source for sooooooooo many hangups during sex, it’s not even funny anymore. Sigh.
Anru,
Would like to keep up with you. Send me an email to kayumochi at gmail dot com
Anru and Kayumochi and everyone,
Thanks for asking after us.
We’ve been in and out of the country and I’ve been busy with work.
Basically nothing has changed.
My husband is still having the affair…It’s been going on over a year now.
I confronted him about it, and we talked about everything a number of times, and he always tells me he isn’t having an affair any more, but I know he is.
He leaves physical evidence to the extent that I question his intelligence, and I told him about some of it, but usually I tell him I just know by the way he looks at me, or doesn’t etc, because that is sort of true too.
I phoned the courts and he walked in on me talking to them and asked who it was and I told him, but nothing changed.
He makes a slight effort to be affectionate to me, but I wonder if he’s just doing that to make me stop questioning him about the affair.
I have gotten back to my normal figure since child birth so he has stopped using my unattractiveness as an excuse for not feeling like sex. He now says it’s because I’m a mother and he can’t see me in the same (sexual) way. And that while I’m breastfeeding, the breasts are the baby’s, not for him, etc. And that it will just take time.
I pretty much forced him to sleep with me a couple of times, but I felt like he felt like he was cheating on the girlfriend!! He was totally distant, worrying about what we would do if we woke the baby (so he said).
I should hate him but I still love him.
I don’t want to split our family up.
But I suspect that one day I might just decide I have had enough, and that he doesn’t deserve me. But I really hope we can fix this before that.
As always, I’d love some advice.
(Should I take a leaf out of Anru’s book, have an affair and tell him??! Actually he seems to take me and my faithfulness for granted so much that I asked him what he would do in my shoes, and he said he thought he’d break up with me!TOTAL HYPOCRITE!
Japanic
Good to hear from you after a long while.
Your situation seems tough. Why do you love him? He seems awful.
There must be another reason why you put up with this.
i wonder if I can use another person’s name to post here…
Oh yes, I can!!
Be careful everyone…
“Religion also is a source for sooooooooo many hangups during sex, it’s not even funny anymore.”
All the Japanese and western/Japanese couples I know that have thriving, healthy sexual relationships are Christians. When I compare that to the many couples who are not, and have very messed up relationships, it’s pretty clear that Christianity (can’t speak for other religions) is conductive to healthy sex. You don’t know what you’re talking about.
“it’s pretty clear that Christianity (can’t speak for other religions) is conductive to healthy sex”
I had a girlfriend once who would scream “Thank you Jesus!” at the top of her lungs while in orgasm.
“i wonder if I can use another person’s name to post here…
Oh yes, I can!!
Be careful everyone”
Not me BTW. Be careful everyone.
Hii To All !
It was saddening but heartwarming to read those comments posted here.
I hope after all these times, things have improve for some of you.
Could only say that life is short and that we should try our best to pursue happiness.
Nobody has the ability to make us happy accept ourselves.
Sometimes, the best love you could ever give to another person is to set him/ her free.
Kayumochi,
Thanks for the comment.
Why do I still love my lying, cheating husband? Very good question. I can only say that we’ve been together a long time, and although he has been an absolute lowlife for the last 16 months, the other 80% of our time together I was generally really happy.
Can someone really change overnight, never to return??
Or is there a chance that he will look at me how he used to?
He says that he was always bending over backwards for me and making sacrifices for me, all those years, and that the real him is the selfish person he is right now, devoid of morals!
Gosh, writing this makes me feel like the situation is close to hopeless.
Basically I think the only real problem we had was the sexlessness particularly during pregnancy. I think that unless we can try for say a month or so, to see if us-with-regular-sex works or doesn’t, I will always feel like I could have done something more to save our family.
The girl he is sleeping with looks like she walked straight out of 109 in Shibuya (or perhaps a “Cabaret club“) and although they tell each other they love each other, I think it’s quite likely that it’s just about sex. (Am I just in denial?)
The other thing is that he is a few years older than me, and seems to be going through a mid-life crisis. Does anyone have any insite into what someone in that situation needs?
I’m thinking:
1. Try to get a sex-life back and if that doesn’t feel right and/or he still doesn’t end the affair, move on.
2. If 1 works but he still doesn’t end the affair (and I will know!) give him a choice to move elsewhere and make a fresh start, or end it (and sue her if I feel so inclined!).
I would love to hear everybody’s thoughts. Just your honest opinions would be great – I’m going to make my own judgement anyway and the beauty of anonymous postings like this is that you don’t have to take responsibility for actions based on your advice right?
First, let me say THANK YOU to all of you for your honest, moving, and inspiring messages (particularly “Kakui”). My sex life with my Japanese wife dropped one day to the next about a year after marriage and I was totally… I literally mean zero sex… for seven years! As she got older and paniced about not having a baby, she decided to have sex by appointment for two days a month. To her this was all normal. To me, it has been a vertitable hell. I heard about sexless marriages, but this is the first time I found this site and read through these blogs. I finally asked my wife for a divorce and have given her the papers to hanko. This after her refusal to go for couples therapy all these years. I tried every possible angle I could think of to try to understand and cope with her sexless “norm” –she is happy in the sexless sister role–, but it has turned me into a lopsided developmentally arrested tragic case… basically, it is a type of trauma… a trauma of neglect… and a form of abuse. In fact, in the Japanese courts, a man can claim a wife’s refusal of sex as a valid reason to grant the divorce. It is a form of DV… one of deprivation and neglect, and no hiding behind cultural excuses or denials gets around that. It has helped me very much to hear that others have gone through similar situations with their Japanese wives… I felt alone and like a freek despite what I was hearing. I was never the type interested in anyone else or an affair, because I loved (still do, and not co-dependent, don’t worry) my wife. But now that I am going to divorce… I want to make up for lost time! And since my wife wants time to plan how to get on with her life afterwards, it may take a few months… so I want to get a head start! If anyone out there knows of websites to meet sexless wives or batsu ichi or ni or san… or just a good site to meet someone new, please have mercy and let me know!
Developmental Arrest.
Have you learned nothing reading this forum?
You are getting rid of one sexless Japanese women to what? Find another? Are you a glutton for punishment?
Your next Japanese woman will do the same thing. She will pretend to like sex for a while, until she hooks/marries you and then you’ll have the same thing all over again.
If you are in Japan, I understand… have fun.. play the field… get it while the gettin’s good. Just DO NOT GET MARRIED!!
Myself, I would never again become romantically involved with a Japanese woman. Furthermore, I avoid most Asian women as well, as I don’t want to take any chances.
My current girlfriend is Polish, and she is INCREDIBLE! And I am incredibly happy…..
You are getting a second chance at love and life… DO NOT BLOW IT!!!
Developmental, I am with you. Like Heinrich said, have fun. Lots of fun. You have a lot of making up to do.
Good luck to you, Developmental Arrest and have fun. Thank goodness your wife didn’t get pregnant.
Wow 496 comments this is a real problem for a country.
There is so much wrong with this article that it isnt even funny!!! I am married to a Japanese man and have lived in Japan for about 10 years, i have to honestly say NOT all Japanese women have nice skin(seen lots of acne), NOT all age well(seen lots that look like redwood trees in wrinkles), NOT all are petit(seen some big ole girls) this Stupid stereotyping needs to stop!!! There are lovely women in all countries and not one country is better then another!!! I have had many japanes men after me, im thin (can fit into small size japanese clothing) and have been told i have the prettiest skin (alabaster) so to say only asain women have nice skin and are thin godesses…NOPE..sorry but my time in japan i have seen more average then beautiful and im not jealous. I have no problem saying if another woman is beautiful but sorry there is just to much fakeness,,,fake eyelashes, fake skin whitener, fake hair color…no originality what so ever!!!!!!! These foriegn men who say that japanese women are the only beautiful women in the world are the ones who can not get dates in their own countries and its the sad truth!!! I dont hate on any race of men and had many….so i have no hostility. I guess who put down what you cant have;)
Came across this:
Dear Sexorcist:
I’ve been happily married for 25 years. Except for the first five years, my wife and I have had no sexual relationship. Her drive is very low and I lost interest in trying to find ways to improve it. Now in our early 50s, we are both still fit, attractive people. However, I have missed the scent, touch and feel of a woman’s body and I am not getting younger. I wish to remain married and, no, it’s too far for the two of us to find our way back to a sexual relationship. She still has no drive and has expressed she misses nothing. I look at women my age in restaurants, grocery stores, church — everywhere — and wonder how many of them have no sexual outlet like me. I’m trapped in a sexless marriage. What can I do?
— Too Young to Shrivel Up
Dear Too Young,
Marry the woman you love and take a vow of sexual poverty? I’ve met with our editorial board and we’ve voted you Hell’s official spokesperson. Because any man looking for an eternity of emotional, sexual and physical abuse couldn’t find a better place for it than where you’re standing.
Yes, abuse. Deny touch long enough and it causes physical harm. Intimacy is oxygen. Cut it off and you turn your partner into a sexual asthmatic — chronically coughing and wheezing in his attempt to breathe you in. He’ll experience a tightening of the chest and eventually his lips (among other organs) turn blue.
Ladies, make no mistake, when you constantly reject your partner’s advances with some version of “I got clothes to fold,” men hear it as “I don’t love you.” Or want you. So, go away.
It’s hard not to turn the rejection against yourself. To believe it’s all or partly your fault, that you’re no longer attractive, that your manhood is useless, your desire is pointless and your needs unworthy.
Worse, in a sex-negative society like ours, the deprived partner is seen as the “problem spouse.” Why do you have to have it so often, the sex-negative schoolmarms ask. Why do you have to have it at all? Why are you harassing your revirginized wife? Can’t you manage your wicked desires in another way? Have you tried Sudoku?
Well, you’re not the bad guy in this. She is. Not because she’s lost all sexual desire (it happens), but because she’s happy to see you suffer. New rule: If you give your partner sexual asthma, you owe them an inhaler.
Meaning, if she can’t provide the intimacy you crave, she owes you her blessing to find it somewhere else. What that means is up to both of you. Is it don’t ask/don’t tell? Is it only when either of you are out of town? Is it only with other happily married women trapped in their own sexless marriages? Is it becoming a frequent groper at the Pink Pony?
One diversionary point: You say you’ve tried everything to raise her libido. I believe you. But her libido isn’t yours to raise. Has she tried? When chronic sexual listlessness hits, there’s usually a physiological reason. Has she gotten herself checked out? Has she read the incredibly helpful book, For Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Sexual Dysfunction and Reclaiming Your Sex Life by the sister sex-therapist team of Laura and Jennifer Berman?
I’m going to assume she has and that nothing has worked. Which brings us back to my main point: It’s time to cut a deal. This will be tough for both of you. You value your marriage. You want to protect it, but the thought of going on without intimacy is unbearable. The relationship is too good to leave, but too bad to stay. It’s time to face an excruciating irony: The only way to save your marriage is to have an affair.
Life is an endless series of not-getting-what-you-wants occasionally interrupted by the got-what-I-needs. Monogamy at any cost?
I’ve been married close to 15 years to a Japanese woman, and there are so many variables involved that I don’t know whether it’s because she’s Japanese or some other reason, but if I had to do it over again there is no way I’d marry a Japanese woman again. I am biased based on my personal experience so I don’t want to say that it applies to others.
I met her while living in Japan, married, then came back to America and have been there ever since. Initially, sex was fine. Then slowly it became a ‘reward’ for something. Could be cooking dinner, buying her a present etc. I really resented that, but didn’t refuse for the obvious reason I was getting some.
Eventually, the situation became awful, and I contemplated divorce. Had a very short-term affair with a younger, unmarried Japanese woman who was the most sex-positive, creative lover I have ever had. On one overnight stay she gave me 6 blowjobs from evening to morning which still flabbergasts me, both from her doing it happily, and me being able to do it from my end. I contrast this with my wife attempting to give a blowjob for 30 seconds and stopping because her mouth hurt.
For whatever reason, there was no divorce, and no affairs since then. Sex frequency was sometimes better, sometimes nothing for months. By the way, wife does not kiss. I have kissed her many times, and she never kisses back. Doesn’t like to kiss. And the dead fish posture was pretty common then. How exciting.
Some years later came the kids. Well you can imagine how the sex dropped off from there. I was quite busy myself so just let it go. But when the time came for kid number 2 magically she wanted to have sex again. Figures.
I tried suggesting toys, lingerie, dvds etc to make things interesting, but she showed no interest whatsoever. This is a woman who says she never masturbated. When I suggested she try to learn about her body she said she had no interest and could/would not do it. One thing I did insist on is that I be on bottom, so as to make her less of a dead fish, and that has worked generally.
A few years ago I decided I definitely wanted a divorce (not just because of the sex incompatibility). But realizing that she could take the kids back to Japan as she wished, I bit my lip and did not go through with it.
Anyway, it’s now many years later, and a around a year ago I gave her an ultimatum. There needs to be sex at least once a week, or else I’m going to find it elsewhere. In addition, I told her that it was pointless for me to ask her, as there were always excuses, so she needed to ask me. That changed her for a while, until it decreased significantly again. However, having kids changes the situation for me and makes me afraid to do anything outside the marriage.
I went to a Japanese counselor a few months ago and when I told her my story, straight off the bat she encouraged me to get a divorce which I thought was funny as I thought she’d go on about working things out etc. I told her it wasn’t possible thanks to Japan not signing Hague and wanting to keep in contact with my kids.
Currently it’s gotten slightly better, but not ideal. Unless I can miraculously find a married woman in a similar situation I think I’m pretty much stuck like this. Being 40 I’m not getting any younger either so I think this is it.
We sleep in the same bed, but there is no skinship whatsoever. Besides being with the kids we spend almost no time together. I’m in one room, she in another. On the other hand I don’t want to imply that it’s awful either. She’s not an alcoholic or drug user, she does good work etc.
Anyway, that’s my story. If I had to do it again I’d marry an English speaking woman who I found a cultural connection with (among other things).