With maid cafes where pretty young girls that ooze submissiveness to their “masters”, and “shuccho health” (出張ヘルス, basically, dial-a-prostitute) and soap-lands (sensual bathing houses with soapy special service) to vending machines for porn, and specialty shops with used high school girl underwear; Japan, at least on the surface appears one of the most sexually proactive nations in the world. Japanese men are as perverted (if not more perverted) than those in other countries, and as for the ladies, on top of being naturally feminine (with petite sexy bodies, skin that doesn’t seem to change complexion from childhood, pretty faces and silky black hair), the women of Japan have no misconceptions about what style – clothes, perfume and make up – makes a man stop in his tracks, and rouse that tingle in his loins.
When interacting with others, sex and everything surrounding it is fair game for a topic of conversation in Japan and, it is certainly not frowned upon by religious groups or society at large as it is in the USA and other countries. When it comes to secreting sexual hormones and sexuality in general, almost nothing is taboo in Japan – until that is, the day one gets married, or so it seems. Indeed in stark sexual contrast, Japan may be suffering from a sexual drought, where being totally open about sex and being sexy in general, doesn’t seem to be converted into the ins-and-outs of baby making when it comes to married couples.
Shown in these statistics, a recent survey by Japan’s health ministry found that as many as one-third of all marriages in Japan are sexless. The problem is now so widespread that the government fears it is a major contributor to the dramatic plunge in Japan’s birthrate (now only 1.28 births per woman). This sexless phenomenon is not only found in those relationships that are plunging down the drain toward divorce, but to the contrary, more and more couples that consider themselves healthily married (and have no intention of separating), have not had sex with each other in the last month or more (the common definition of “sexless” in Japan), with many saying that they have not had sex together in the last 6 months to one year.
According to the most recent survey of 41 nations last October, the average Japanese has intercourse 45 (and according to Bayer Pharmaceuticals as low as 17) times a year, compared with the global average of 103. Japan is repeatedly at the bottom of the list. Last year it trailed Singapore, which was 28 shags a year higher!
The term “sexless”, was first used in Japan in the early 1990s, but now is instantly recognizable to the Japanese as a universally understood concept, and widely discussed in the media. There are books on the subject and thousands websites and heartbreaking blogs discussing sexless Japan, while letters on the subject fill agony columns on “dear doctor”-type sites.
One in five sexless couples say they view sex simply as a nuisance. A small number cite the lack of a private space, because children or elderly parents often sleep just the other side of a paper-thin door, leading many married couples to even sleep in separate rooms. Mitsui Home announced recently in an Asahi Newspaper article, that in 30% of the new houses they build, the couples are asking for 2 “master” bedrooms. This is a shocking statistic, which shows that sexless couples want to continue living their lives together – separately! “We are sort of room-mates rather than a married couple”, one 31-year-old man, who had not had sex with his wife for two years, told the Asahi Shinbun.
There are many other theories about why the Japanese become less inclined to raunchy evenings in the sack together, but likely it is a mixture of some of these:
- Stress of work/life in Japan (maybe the taihen cloud?)
- Lack of understanding, and usage of contraception, especially “the pill” (who wants to use condoms with their wife!?), making sex with your wife viable only when you want to have a baby
- Abundance of 不倫 (furin, or extra-marital) relationships
- More and more Japanese women choosing career over family
- A tendency among Japanese married couples to feel an aversion to sex with their spouse, not because they dislike one another, but rather because they feel that they have more of a sister-brother relationship; the sanctity of which would be destroyed with a repulsive incest-like feeling, by what westerners would consider normal conjugal relations
The last point is an interesting one, as in the past, it has been traditionally Japanese women who complained that they couldn’t see their hubby “as a member of the opposite sex.” But in the last few years, there’s been an exponential increase in men who can’t view their wives as sexual partners either. While it is true that many Japanese married couples seem to be sexless in nature, they key thing to remember is that this certainly does not mean that they lack the desire for sexual fulfillment. While marriage and children may bring on a sex drought in the home, Japanese people who want (and in the case of most men, need) sex do not simply abstain from sex because they cannot see the feminine qualities in their own wife, or the sexual attraction of their hard working husband.
Japanese men love their companies; they live for work, and many don’t even think it is a problem if they don’t have sex with their wives. They have pornography and the sex industry (soap lands, cabaret bars, and dial-a-girl services, and trips to Taiwan) to take care of their needs, but their wives have nowhere to go. They just suffer in silence.. or do they? The divorce rate in Japan has nearly doubled in the past 10 years, with more women blaming their sexually inactive, as opposed to sexually errant, husbands for break-ups. Though they may not be seeking sexual pleasure from their better halves, married Japanese women are seeking intimacy from other sources (many even claim to have a sex addiction), leading double lives – being the good mother, while at the same time seeking out “Leroy” the lover, who is always lurking, and ready to fulfill her every desire.
Japan is full of temptation, and it doesn’t matter whether you are a housewife or salary-man, there is plenty of raunchy action waiting out there – if that is what you desire. Furin sites to find a (extra marital) “sex friend” partner are just as rampant in Japan as in other countries, however they are much more widely used by women in Japan to solve their sexless quandaries. For the more conservative ladies, sites like mixi.jp – which are neutrally classed as “social networking” spaces – are abound with profiles (men and women) looking for partners to secretly spruce up their sexless, but otherwise happily married lives.
Many Japanese marriages may be sexless, but this is only a statistic about the state of sex within marriage itself. In fact, there may be a good reason for the sexless condition of marriages here – Are the Japanese getting enough of the good stuff outside their marriages to keep them happy? I certainly think so.
Japanese people will never be sexless as individuals; therefore Japan is not sexless, so don’t let mere statistics confuse the situation!
(If you are married in Japan, or married to a Japanese, let us know what you think of “Sexless Japan” by leaving a comment below!)
Wow, thank goodness I came across this website and found out there are women like me. I just married my Japanese husband a few months ago after moving back to the US from Japan, but we were sexless from the beginning. I have to beg my husband for sex, and even at our most frequent it’s maybe once every 1 or 2 weeks. I never thought I would have to beg for sex from my own husband. I have tried everything, but he just has no interest in sex, or rather, he can’t be bothered. Interesting though that when I offer to give him head without intercourse he’s more than happy to accept…
I honestly don’t know what to do. I am really unhappy. The thing is, he is a really wonderful husband and partner in every other sense of the word, and I am madly in love with him. Any advice from others with the same problems would be greatly appreciated.
If he watches porn you might want to discuss that with him, because it probably has a lot to do with his lack of desire. See if you can convince him to cut back or stop altogether, even if only temporarily. Does he know how to pleasure a woman, is he insecure due to lack of knowlege? Maybe you could coach him in what you like. Perhaps you could offer oral sex as an incentive to cooperate.
Good luck,
James
I think what most people fail to realize is the culture in Japan is one that a husband and wife are more like mother and son. Hence the lack of sex.
Its just that simple. Sure both Japanese men and women like sex from their gf or bf, but all that changes when you tie the knot.
I have been married to my Japanese wife for nearly 10 years. Yes the sex is boring compared to Western women, but we have sex on a regular basis and she gets upset if we don’t actually.
The thing is, Japanese culture is not one of showing emotional feelings overtly and this goes for the bedroom in comparison to Western couples. I think people get caught up on the Japanese without knowing or understanding what they are getting.
I’ve lived in Japan for a little more than a year and I’ve experienced some of this already. I know from my friends and from my own experiences that Japanese people tend to show a very proper and respectable image most of times, but beneath this layer of social correctness, eroticism is very alive. It is certainly true that marriages are not rendering what they should (children) as much as they should and this is quite worrying, although an overpopulated country is perhaps unconsciously solving its overpopulation issue with this attitude. Compared to my own side of the world, I was very surprised to see that in Japan adultery is not considered such a serious offense.
After reading this article I was also surprised to find out about the brother-sister relationships in marriage. I was not aware of this at all. As a foreigner I must point out that I’ve noticed that among the specialized services we offer to Japanese society, the “Leroy the lover” role has become quite notorious. I am not offended by this, but just a bit surprised.
divorce is a good choice
Mmm, very interesting discussion! I am an Italian girl married to an asian (non-Japanese) man, so I hope you all don’t think I’m intruding. I actually stumbled on this site because I’m currently pregnant and was searching whether natto was safe in pregnancy (fascinating what happens when one link leads to another…).
If it helps to give you the perspective of a non-Japanese women from a “passionate” culture (which I’ve seen come up in the comments as an alternative to Japanese women?), even I sometimes find myself “not in the mood.” Granted, in our eight years of marriage, it’s never gone for more than a week, but perhaps that’s because culturally Italians feel the joy of giving sex to others even when they don’t want it themselves? I can’t claim any special sex drive being born Italian (at least I don’t think so? 😉 ), but maybe culturally I think sex is a gift that both people give each other (and sometimes you are the giver, the receiver, or both). Maybe this is a poor way to explain it?
I guess what I really want to say is two things. First, everyone is different, with different libidos and cultural hangups. You may find a woman from Brazil or Italy who only wants sex once a month (perish the thought!) or you may find a German woman who’s a nympho and can’t get enough. So it pays to try to feel them out. However, that only works if they are honest…
Which leads to: second, I think what is so unfair about all this is the bait-and-switch. I studied in Japan for two years and had a Japanese boyfriend, but I didn’t find his sex drive to be different from other lovers’. Granted, we were not married, but now I am wondering if I was lucky to avoid marrying him! If I had married my current husband and he’d stopped wanting sex, I would have felt utterly betrayed, and I have genuine empathy for those husbands on here who still love their wives, but whose wives pulled this on them. It happens even in my culture, though — but usually not so often (and usually because the wife is very manipulative and maybe crazy!).
Even I worry about what having this baby will do — my husband and I have already talked about after. How can we play during the required 6 weeks off!? What if my libido is affected like so many other things are by a baby? It’s an intimidating thought!
Also, don’t beat yourselves up! You have beautiful, calm and competent wives who are great mothers. Many people in passionate cultures are a little crazy and my asian husband often bemoans that I am quick to anger, disorganized, bold (unlike asian women). I worry, how I can ever be a good mother like your Japanese wives? So, you have many blessings in your marriage even if sex is an issue to work on.
So, I hope sincerely I didn’t take the conversation off course, I just hope to make you all feel better that even a girl from a passionate culture can worry about sex and making sure it’s still part of married life, and also has issues with marrying an asian culturally. Sorry for any mistakes in my English.
Also, my anti-spam word was “broad” 🙂 I think that’s cute.
Daniella,
You are awesome.
On behalf of all the men who have posted their woes here, “We love you and wish you well.”
Good luck with the baby!
Japanese Don’t have SEX!日本の性
Foreign MEN!!!
外国の人
1. Read
2. Weep
3. Get Educated
4. Don’t be a Victim
Sometimes men need to see it in the RAW
Sexual Wellbeing Survey
Durex.com Frequency of SEX
English
http://tinyurl.com/njcpjj
Japanese
http://tinyurl.com/2ejrhd9
What a silly comment, “Japanese women are naturally feminine”. This author is writing from fantasy. Women are ALL naturally feminine. I do not like the exoticism this author displays. In fact, we Japanese women are petite but to some are more masculine in that way. We lack the curvy bodies anime demands of us. It is all in the eye of the beholder. How insulting this article is! Sorry I did not get to read your facts!
@Amiko
“Women are ALL naturally feminine.”
I challenge that statement.
http://funkjelly.com/2009/06/19/wanted-ugly-american-women-who-can-sing/
Read up on some psychosexual theory, and have psychological sciences enlighten you as to what “Feminine” really means. Also, spend time studying animal biology and behavior.
Here’s a primer on male behavior, which is true amongst humans as it is in animals:
1) All male animals in nature have to dance, entertain, excite, or “wow” the female.
Example: Insect mating dance, Peacock feathers, others.
2) Males typically woo females with gifts.
Example: Male black widow delivers a wrapped insect in his own silk to the female.
3) Males fight amongst themselves for “Mating rights.”
Example: Moose, Deer, Wolves
These are just a few of many examples. What’s more, save for some exceptions, feminimity, from a natural standpoint, indicates a female’s capacity to bear and raise children, and the qualities congruent with such actions. These include: Tenderness, aesthetics, fertility, as well as other traits…
Here’s a link to more: http://www.treehugger.com/files/2009/02/human-vs-animal-mating-rituals-were-not-so-different-after-all.php
There is a common baseline with all females. There is a common baseline with males.
It just so happens by coincidence that Japanese culture underscores and highlights the natural feminine within it’s culture, for better or worse. Cultural nuances can serve to either empower or demoralize the women. But most important: The society that moves against the natural coding of our DNA is the society with the most problems in reproduction and gender relations. I speak from experience, look at the USA! It’s like (most of) the women don’t even remember how to smile!
Edit: Because human beings have the capacity to incorporate frontal cortex reasoning, this may either augment or hinder appeal to the opposite sex.
Case 1: The “liberated womyn” who does not shave at all, refuses to bathe, and is sexist against men.
A higher cortex choice (her right), but with the consequence of being unappealing to men. I cannot judge it, in the absolutist sense, as good or bad, unless she is also trying to find a boyfriend, or trying to be a part of human society.
Case 2: The woman who chooses to make herself appealing to attract a mate. She will change her appearance/appeal to suit his individual tastes in order to get his attention.
A higher cortex choice (again, her right) to strategize on how to attract a specific man based on personality appeal. She could have chosen to not care, not to obey the natural call to attraction, and not appeal to the man, but in case 2, it suited the woman’s interests.
*Anecdotal, hypothetical, based on observations and science regarding human psychology and social memes prevalent across human societies.
Hi All
We interviewed Rieko Saigo (a leading couple and sex consultant in Japan) on this topic because of your great response and discussion here. Here is the link to the article we wrote up on the interview.
http://www.stippy.com/japan-culture/rieko-saigo-interview-advice-on-sexlessness
Please let us know what you think!
my heart all goes out for you… i wish you had married Filipina girls who just get hotter and hotter as the years go by, loves to experiment in sex and are happy to lock children out for even an hour at night just to be intimate… filipina girls crave intimacy and are willing to do anything to make sure a marriage never lacks it 🙂
So I was out the other night with some good (Japanese) friends that I have known for a long time and for some reason the conversation turned to sexless marriages. (Most of us were married). What surprised me most was that in reaction to me coming out that we were sexless, one of the guys asked me “but, do you really want to have sex with your wife??”.
Jhoward
Your friend wrapped up the whole debate in one statement.
“but do you really want to have sex with your wife?”
The Japanese see their wifes AND their husbands as extensions of their mothers and fathers. At home their call each other Mother and Father, and once they have kids the mother no longer even sleeps in the same bed as the father.
The mind set of the Japanese is not one that encourages a highly intimate and sexual relationship between husband and wife. Its the culture. Furthermore, its also in the culture to view someone who “Endures” as strong and having a good trait. People endure physical pain much more than in the US, women endure their lives as wifes, and men endure their wifes and their lot in life in many ways. They do so with a certain amount of pride.
Like you, I have many Japanese friends, family and a Japanese wife….for more than a decade.
I would also like to ad, there is another idiom in Japan that goes something like.
“You don’t need to feed your fish once you have caught it.”
I am quick to tell Japanese people that If you don’t feed your fish, someone else will….
Sorry, but I don’t think the article with Dr Saigo introducing Adam Tokunaga helps many people who are sexless.
There are many husbands who would be more than willing to go for slow sex – massaging, you name it. But they are married to a wife who doesn’t want physical contact at all. If they were married to women who were willing to go to Adam Sex Clinic and pay 400 dollars for a sex therapy session, they wouldn’t have any problems!!!
There aren’t many average women who would go to a place like that. The articles sounds like an advertisement. And anyway, what a great job! What guy wouldn’t want to be Dr Adam!? He claims to have great success, but the kind of woman who is willing to pay money, turn up at the reception desk and ask for a massage that will be sexually liberating, and hear talks about her clitoris etc, probably already has a great mindset. What Dr Saigo says and makes sense to me is that many Japanese woman just fake it before marriage and then then when married don’t feel the need to pretend anymore. So many gaijin come here meet a girl who has sex all the time and is supposedly wonderfully responsive, but then they marry. – and then follows all the troubles that have been listed above. This article just seems to imply that the problem with the sexless marriage is that the husband isn’t a slow, thoughtful lover, and/or doesn’t have the wonderful skills of Dr Adam.
Disappointed.
Way to go JAPAN hope you keep up the good work of being sexless. I wish
it would take hold in the USA. I’m a sexless male and I should be in JAPAN,
but can’t afford to go there.
Married to a Japanese woman for 10 years.
Don’t do it!
After she got what she needed, my child, she cut me off. She did not even sleep in the same room. The husband for them is just a cash register.
It all becomes a mess when they want to go back to Japan with your kids and tell you that they do not belong to you and that they do not need a father.
Save you some pain, stick with locals.
Wow, all she wanted was the admiration and envy for having mixed children. As you know anything gaijin is sugoi in Japan. Having kids means 1) she will not be lonely in Japan 2) She will have someone to take care of her when she gets old 3)Everyone will think she has the coolest kids around. People assume the idea of Western “Love” relationships are understood as being common around the world but its not. In Japan the husband or wife first has a purpose which has nothing to do with Love. If your purpose is required for the long term then a minimal effort will be put forth to keep you fulfilling your purpose. If your purpose is only needed temporarily then you will be quickly dismissed.
I agree totally with ‘I agree’! My situation is almost identical to his and I would absolutely recommend NOT marrying a Japanese woman!
My Japanese wife treats me like I’m a lodger – and rarely, if ever, sleeps with me in my/our room! Sex is rare and when we do have it, she treats it like a chore, no affection E. V. E. R.
I’m having a hard time staying with her but have spent the last few years staying for our son. I live in japan and divorce is a mere formality here – sign a paper, hand it in to city office and you’re done! The only trouble is, only one parent gets the kids here, and it’s usually the mother and if you’re a foreigner, 99.9% of the time, the Japanese parent will be given custody regardless of any prior agreements!
The Japanese family courts are a complete joke and they, along with the government, health “professionals” and “experts”, plus traditional beliefs, care little for the effect on kids!
Will I stay? Maybe, but as Coconut says: if you don’t feed your fish, someone else will. Or at the very least, the fish will either leave the tank and swim feed elsewhere, or die!
Do NOT marry a Japanese woman whose agenda is ONLY to have kids!!
I am a 51 year old American that has been married to a Japanese women for 26 years. Sex did pretty much end once our daughter was born three years after we were married. I am a Christian so divorce is something I am against and would never pursue. In addition I love what Daniella wrote in post 556 “don’t beat yourselves up! in that You have beautiful, calm and competent wives who are great mothers.” My wife’s priority is her son and daughter. It is followed by her sister, parents, niece and nephew, and then I am placed just after our cat. I was actually going to purchase for my wife a couple of chickens and a coop for her birthday. I did not go through with it because I can handle being behind a cat in her affections but it would just kill me if I ended up behind a chicken. I do not think I am alone in this and I would bet that most Japanese women have the same placement of people on their affection list.
I can say that in the past because of the lack of sex with my wife I did have a couple of girl friends. It was something that of course went against my religious beliefs so those relationships ended. In addition one is always caught eventually and the end result is devastating. I do not feel good what I had done. This is a topic I thought I would ask my pastor about. However: I know there is not a good answer so what would be the point? You have a wife that will not have sex. You can not divorce. You can not commit adultery. You are not to look at pornography. One in my situation can only grin and bear it. That is the only answer. I just wish my wife would bare herself now and then so it would make it easier for me to grin.
For my wife her answer to me is do it yourself. This is what I do with my home repair. It is also what I do to satisfy myself. I do now and then call a professional for my home repair. I just have not yet called a professional for the other. However: it sure is tempting.
Here is my theories on why Japanese women are frigid.
1, They are obsessed with being clean. In my wife’s case she says sex is too much work because of all the clean up with afterward.
2, Sex is not productive. Life for Japanese is often about being productive. Sex for a Japanese women is just a big waste of time. When my wife wanted a second child she did have sex because it was a productive way to have a child. I know my wife would have been please as punch if instead I gave her a spoonful of my sperm instead of sex. That in her mind would be a ten fold increase in productivity.
3. The diet consist of just way too much Soy. As long ago as 164 BC monks included tofu in their diet as an aid to spiritual enlightenment and abstinence. They found the more tofu they consumed the lower their libido.
http://www.bottomlinefitness.com/2009/04/24/soy-and-sex-do-no-mix/
4. There is very little touching in Japan. How can one enjoy sex if the sense of touch has never been developed.
I would make the list longer but I just now developed the urge to be self sufficient and take care of my needs by doing it myself.
I just finished reading a book “Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel, and I would recommend it to anyone here who has experienced a decline in the sexual side of their relationship. It won’t give you step-by-step solutions to your problems but it gave me a lot of insight into the sexual dynamics of my relationship. It goes to show that sexlessness is an international phenomenon, and the causes are not necessarily found in Japanese culture.
Timmy – excellent points which I can confirm in my 17 years of marriage. To point #1, I highly recommend installing a Toto Washlet. It’s increased our frequency from once per month to 2-3 times per month. Once per week would be ideal, but this is good enough.
Dude
@ Dude
Increased her desire to have sex 2 to 3 times a month or increased her willingness to allow you to do sex to her 2 to 3 times a month?
Most likely increasing her willingness to “allow” him to do sex “to” her, while she lays there like a dead fish.
I doubt very seriously if she will be into the event….
It seems counter intuitive but the best thing to do is to just ignore her and never even try to get sex. Believe it or not the very act of “trying” to have sex make you seem weak and needy and is a real turn off. Even if you have to do-it-yourself or pay someone to please you not even touch her for a couple of months, no kisses not even a peck. She will definitely try to get your attention before then and tease you into begging her for sex. Women need attention like men need sex, use that fact to your advantage. Giving her all the attention even when you get no sex means having sex is no benefit to her, so why do it. Turn the tables to your advantage.
Willingness to allow. It begins as doing sex “to” her which is a drag, but after a few minutes she’s a willing participant.
I mentioned Timmy’s points #1 and #2 above to her. She laughed and said he’s spot on. So at least we can talk and joke about this issue. After 17 years it is what it is; begging/whining/arguing are counterproductive. Coconut’s suggestion above has been brought up previously in this forum and may work for guys married to insecure women, but I don’t feel it’s useful in most Japanese marriages where the wife would be pleased if her ecchi” husband were chemically castrated.
I hate to generalize, but if your Japanese wife is a good cook, good mother, and remains slim/attractive then the tradeoff of a limited sex life is worth it – at least for me. I wouldn’t jeopardize marital harmony by screwing around on the side – but I certainly do fantasize about it.
Anyway, install a Washlet for your women. It’s $250 and an excellent investment. Makes taking a dump much more pleasurable as well.
Dude
Dude, for what its worth I have a Japanese wife too, been married for 10 years. Thank goodness I get sex pretty much when I want it but there is always room for more and improvement.
My wife feels the same as yours, sex is useless [even though she has more orgasms from it than me] go figure. The point I want to make though is that sex and the need for sex is natural, it is very selfish for a mate to ignore the needs of their partner and make them ‘gaman’ when they really don’t have too.
I live in the US and although its not televised on the News, HIV is alive and well here, as both me and my wife are in the health field and see many, many HIV patients coming to the hospitals more often over the years. So with that said, sleeping around here is like playing Russian Roulette and indeed not worth the personal risk.
I am glad that my wife is receptive to my personal needs and does not treat it like some sort of sick affliction.
Sounds like you’ve got it pretty good, Coconut. Your wife doesn’t see the point in having sex, but she understands and takes care of your needs when they arise (pun intended). Enjoy.
After many years of marriage most husbands should know what buttons to push to get their wives off, which as you say should be reason enough for a normal woman to want and/or initiate sex regularly. But for Japanese women it’s 15 minutes that could be better spent reading, emailing, preparing tomorrow’s obento, etc. I can’t even get my wife to skip through a TV program with me, let alone lay down with me for a nice long lovemaking session. We get to bed too late because she’s busy doing crap until midnight, which is all the more reason for her to avoid sex.
Most of the frustration on both sides is due to differing perspectives. My wife doesn’t think I have a sick affliction, but she does think *I’m* the selfish one for wanting sex more than a couple times a month. Husbands who had sex 3 times a day before marriage got the ol’ bait and switch.
We’re not going to solve this problem, but at least we can all commiserate.
Dude
@coconut
“It seems counter intuitive but the best thing to do is to just ignore her and never even try to get sex. Believe it or not the very act of “trying” to have sex make you seem weak and needy and is a real turn off.”
Yes, it does make you seem weak to be in the asking position.
No, it doesn’t work.
I tried this (“That which you pursue will run from you..”) and got 3 months of no sex, no interest, no nothing.
I am happy to read that some of the guys have come to peace/terms or just have wonderful marriages. I am truly happy for you, as I don’t wish divorce on my worst enemy.
However, in my case, divorce got me away from a toxic Japanese marriage and I am in wonderful, loving relationship with a woman rings my bell daily. (Hooray for Poland!).
I agree with Dude that there is not a solution to this problem. It is not about learning the art of love making. I could be the kindest warm man in the world and be a good supporter financially. It would not do a lick of good in solving the problem. I can literally give my wife an orgasm in minutes. I am willing to give her a massage for how ever long she wants. I have even told her we will stop the sex once she has an orgasm. She is just not interested. Japanese women are for the most part frigid. I will add one more to the list of why this is the case. They are just way too serious to the point that they can not be playful. They just can not let go and have fun. Like Dude I can not get my wife to sit down and enjoy a TV show or go out for bike ride. Sex is enjoyable when it is an act that is playful. A Japanese woman does not know how to play so sex is not enjoyable. If it is not enjoyable why do it? It is not productive and it just makes the sheets sticky. This just makes it pure hell for a Japanese lady. All she can think about when she is doing it is the chores afterwords.
There is no solution. Therefore: do not even think about getting close to a Japanese women unless you have been castrated or are asexual.
Timmy
Wow, this is funny (or actually NOT funny) because Timmy describes almost the exact same situation I’m in as well. To her it’s a chore, and why do that when she could be browsing her Japanese blogs while sipping tea instead? If I had a nickel for every time she pushed it back just one more time I’d be a rich man by now.
Try this ultimatum, tell her that if it’s not going to happen then you’ll have to find someone else who will. Due to her fear of disease, this will freak her out and she’ll promise to do it more often, that is until she forgets and then pushes it back again and again. Seriously, I’d be interested in knowing what happens when you guys tell her that.
The only thing is I wouldn’t say that ALL Japanese women are like this, but it does seem like it’s fairly common.
Hi!
Well, been reading all the posts… very interesting.
@Doug
I actually gave my wife the ultimatum: Either have sex or I’d go and pay for it, or find a girlfriend. She ignored me. Anyway, I did the latter and after about 5 months I told her what was going on. She was upset of course but was really up for it at home. Changed her tune totally.
That was a year ago. And yes we’ve slipped back to the old ways: suddenly very busy late at nights; going to bed later than me; etc etc anything to avoid having to get it on.
So, I’ve started mentioning it when I see a cute woman either on TV or in the street etc. Let’s see how it goes.
Just remember folks, that in Japan most men easily pay for sex and most women go along with it as long as quite is kept. Bottom line is you can’t change a Leopards spots, you can’t make a Japanese woman something she is not.
If you want to have a girlfriend or pay for sex just do it. Sure she will know sooner or later but as long as things are normal at home she will let it go. Besides sex things might be ok at home, clean house, dinner cooked, cloths washed.
One question for men with Japanese wives. Has your wife ever had a dizzy spell, were she was always dizzy and could not do anything around the house?
For men without Japanese wives its best to follow Timmy’s advise and not marry a Japanese woman. Sure date one, enjoy the experience she will never say no at the beginning, but you can bet your balls that once you marry you will regret it.
Not only Japanese women, even their men are the same.They work really hard .They’re too busy finding their sault that they sometimes forget they needed some sugar.
@ Coconut; the dizzy spell is common for Japanese women around 40 above it is because theyre going through early Menopausal stage it takes 10 years of process,so If your wife is always having dizziness that is the beginning.My Japanese friends are going through a lot of it since theyre in their early forty’s.
@Going_Nuts, thanks for the info…yes I think she is pre-Menopausal, already hot flashes and sweating at night and the facial hair is showing up…:-(
Maybe all the comments on this board just confirm why the birth rate is so low in Japan….gotta have sex to make babies.
Too bad though because many J-Women are so super sexy, but [no sex drive + sexy looks = zero/useless] having a woman you can only look at is no fun.
Doug:
How would my wife respond if I told her I will find a girlfriend that will put out. My wife basically cut me totally off from sex. Maybe once a year at this point so it is a typical sexless marriage. If she does not have sex with me she is really not afraid of catching something. I have asked her a few times if she would mind if I had sex with another women. Depending upon her mood her answer rangers from go knock your socks off to that she would get a divorce. I think in reality she does have a strong stance. She just does not want to know or hear about it. It is more like the expression we have in the military in the states. Do not ask do not tell. For me this situation just drives me crazy. In a way my wife will kind of let me have some action on the side but my religion faith forbids it. Like I posted earlier I have had a couple of girlfriends in the past. For me there was a tension between the feeling of guilt and pleasure. The guilt eventually won out both times. I am not a strong man in saying no to a women that finds in interest in me. In both cases earlier the women found me attractive and made it clear their desire.
I lived in Japan in the early eighties when I was in my early 20’s. I did belong to a sports club that was made up of mostly middles age women. I was newly married with no kids so my wife was devoted to me and we had sex a 2 to 3 times a week. At that point in my life I thought Japanese women loved sex because at the club one of the ladies who was in her 40’s was very aggressive in wanting to have sex with me. She was married but no doubt she had a husband that did not give her sex. I did not go to the sex motel like she said she wanted to with me. I found it strange that others in the club both men and women were kind of disappointed in me that I did not fulfill this ladies desires. At this point in my life I know I could not say no to such a women.
Wow Timmy, I’m disappointed in you too….:-)
If I lived in Japan I would be a male whore, I talk to my wife sometimes about going back but I think she knows what will happen. Japanese women do like sex, its just not with their husbands….same for men, its just not with their wives. I think my wife is waiting for my sex drive to go away. Hmmmm maybe I should fake it for about a year. I live here in the States and I have already had a few Japanese girl friends just via the Internet.
I think though your wife will not divorce, just like mine won’t…they act tough and can be meaner than a Snake from hell but I have yet to see a Japanese woman that enjoys being alone and single. They are practical thinkers, they know that past 40 is the death sentence for finding a mate esp. if they have kids. The last thing they want is to be 50-60+ and have no companion [even if they don’t like them].
Right now i am just playing the waiting game. Taking care of business and getting my ducks in a row. Sooner than later I will be back in Japan and when I do…WATCH OUT, I’m banging everything that moves!
Coconut:
I am sorry I disappointed you. My will is almost gone so your disappointment is most likely short lived.
Japan is a strange land. A good chunk of Japanese women will not have sex with their husbands. One the other hand: there is a good chunk of women that are willing to have affairs with these married men. The affairs also from what I seen are also not all that well hidden from co workers or friends. There just is not a taboo against adultery from what I have observed.
I did work for a small construction company in Japan with about eight employees. Most of them were married with kids. These men for the most did have girl friends or would go to places like soapy land. They did not hide this and would be shockingly open to me and others about their adventures. I had never experienced this in the USA. Of coarse men do have affairs in the USA but they as a rule do not let it be known to others.
One time the construction company I worked for took an overnight trip. There was a dinner show at the hotel and after the show girls came to customers table to talk. Most of my co workers hooked up with one of these ladies. In the show was a dancer from England. I was in heaven because I had not heard at that point proper English spoken for over a year. Just as one can be starved for sex one can also be starved for the English language. I sat and talked with this English girl for over an hour and I was having a great time. Nothing sexual and it was just a fun simple conversation. This lady was also hungry for a conversation in English. One of my co workers came up to me and said what the hell are you doing? He said that he already had gone to bed with one of the singers and was freaked out that I was still engaged in polite conversation with this pretty English girl. He later came over to my table a couple times more in disappointment with me and said what are you waiting for? This would for the most part never happen in the USA, but In Japan I know it is common. My wife worked for the Holiday Inn in Tokyo and she said her married co workers both men and women were open in their affairs with each other.
It was not uncommon for the company I worked for would do work on one home and the next day we would do work for the client’s girl friend’s home. The customer would not hide the fact that it was his girl friend’s home and that he is paying the mortgage for it.
Just by coincidence when we moved back to the USA our neighbor was a Japanese women. My wife went back to Japan for a month one summer. My Japanese neighbor who was married to an American man had an unmarried Japanese friend. My neighbor tried vigorously to hook the two of us together when my wife was gone. Oh my God. The temptation is just way to much. Do things like this happen in the USA? Maybe but not too often. All I know is when they happen to me and I do not go along with it I disappoint.
You are just a nice guy Timmy.
Don’t worry, in order to keep balance in the Universe I will do my part to balance out your lack of fornication.
Sexless in Japan, sure for husband and wife. But rest assured they both have robust sex drives. People don’t realize that Japanese men and women really don’t see their mates as sexual partners but instead family partners…more akin to brother/sister, mother/son etc. The sexual attraction for the spouse is gone. I seen it, and felt it in my own marriage…she seems like she has no interest in sex what so ever [with me]. But there has been times when I have seen her sexual horns come out for other men, in fact I would not be surprised if my wife slept with other men.
For me, I need sex and I will not force myself to endure a miserable life. My thinking is, if I approach my wife for sex a reasonable amount and she refused then I have no choice but to seek it elsewhere. And when I do I feel no guilt or shame. When you are hungry your first instinct is to look in your own kitchen for food, if its not there you have no choice but to look outside the home for sustenance. If you want to talk to someone but your spouse refuses to talk to you why should you endure no conversation? You will just go outside the home for conversation.
The need for sexual contact is as natural as that for food or water, its not a sin, its not evil or dirty, every human needs intimate contact. Even cats, dogs, monkeys etc. need intimate contact…starving yourself of it only brings misery to the life experience. Do not apologize for being human, there is nothing wrong from wanting or needing intimacy. I made it clear to my wife, that when she pushes me away, she is pushing me into the arms of another woman. I didn’t get married to suffer. Rest assured that if you have a girlfriend your wife will find out sooner or later and as long as things are good at home she will let you continue. Sometimes the other woman can actually help marriages, just maintain your duties at home, keep communication open and friendly, and always return home.
Good Luck buddy….
Funny thing is, usually its hard for Japanese to say no to peoples requests. However it seems that husbands are the easiest people to say no too. In fact maybe husbands are the only people they say no too.
Coconut:
I think you are on to something about husband being the only one that hear the word no. Japanese wives do not treat their husbands like a brother as has been posted by others earlier. A husband does not rate as high as a brother or sister. I could only hope to have a brother sister type relationship with my wife. It would be an improvement.
Last night I was flipping the channels and I came across an old silent Japanese film from the 30’s. It was great because it showed life as it was lived before the war. It was a truly funny film about two young brothers that lost respect for their poor dad because he was sucking up to their grade school friend’s dad. This dad was the boss of the young brother’s father. I told my wife that it would be great if she spent a few minutes with me to watch this film. I think you know the answer. No
I learned to not let it bother me too much. Life is short. However: It did kind of tick me off because I know she would have gotten a kick out of the film. In the same way she would get a kick out of getting the sheets sticky. But that never happens.
In the news…
“Survey shows rising indifference to sex among male teens, couples+”
TOKYO, Jan. 12 (AP) – (Kyodo)—One-third of Japanese men aged 16 to 19 were uninterested in or even averse to sex as of last year, doubling from 2008, a government survey showed Wednesday.
The survey, conducted in September, also showed more married couples were also found sexless than before, with more than 40 percent saying they had no sex in the past month.
The last survey was conducted by a research group of the Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry to study people’s views on lifestyle. It is based on replies provided by 671 men and 869 women aged 16 to 49 in interviews.
“The survey result confirmed that young men have become ‘herbivorous’,” said Kunio Kitamura, head of the Clinic of the Japan Family Planning Association who took part in the survey, using the term used increasingly in Japan to describe young males who are shy and passive in relationships with women.
According to the ministry, 35.1 percent of men aged 16 to 19 said they are uninterested in or averse to sex, surging from 17.5 percent in the previous poll in 2008.
The percentage climbed to 21.5 percent among men aged 20 to 24 from 11.8 percent two years earlier, and among women of any age group, the survey showed.
Those married men and women who said they had no sex in the past month totaled 40.8 percent, up from 36.5 percent in the previous survey and 31.9 percent in a 2004 study.
Respondents cited vague reluctance after childbirth, a sense that it is a bother and job-related fatigue as reasons for shunning sex with their partners.
“Some measures are necessary (to deal with the increase in sexless couples) as it is directly linked to the declining birthrate,” Kitamura said.
Many Japanese see their own culture as un-interesting and boring as men and women [husbands and wives] seem to see each other. I wonder if this all has some correlation to too much familiarity causing boredom. I mean to wake up day in and day out seeing 99% the same race people, speaking the same language and the same culture is what really makes all things Western have such an appeal.
Below is a link to an article on why young Japanese men are not interested in sex.
Is Porn Killing Sex in Japan?
http://www.henrymakow.com/is_porn_killing_sex.html
Thanks for the link Timmy.
This really confirms a theory of mine that watching too much porn reduces the sex drive. I have noticed this from myself actually. The more I watch porn the less I want sex.
However this does not take into account the females lack of a sex drive. Usually none of them watch porn yet their sex drive is almost non existent. The problem likely has multiple causes.
On a slightly different note. Have you noticed the excess use of “Toon” like cartoon characters throughout Japanese TV and advertising? You see toons in every aspect of media, its an overall mental child-like promotion of thought or something. This plus the excessive emphasis on everything cute is almost sickening. Cute if King amongst Japanese females, which goes hand in hand with youth.
Coconut:
The first day I was in Japan in 1983 I took a train from the Narita airport to my future wife’s home town. I did see on the train young adults reading comic books that had cute cartoon characters. I really did think at the time that we just happened to be on the train with a group of special needs adults taking a field trip.
I agree with you that there are multiple causes for the lack of a sex drive for today’s Japanese women. It would be interesting to see if there is a difference between now and say 100 or 200 years ago. Maybe we need to pitch in some money for a grant to have an historian research this topic. I do think there must have been a difference. At least I hope there was because if not men in Japan have suffered for just way to long.
I hate to admit it but I do watch porn. What can one do if your wife is a Japanese women with kids. What is it with Japanese porn? The women seem like they are being tortured. I think I would rather have a dead fish like my wife than the annoying crying girls you see on Japanese porn. Is this something new? Is this what young Japanese girls are now like in reality. Say it is not so. Do they act like this because they think it is cute? How could any man enjoy this?
Hi Timmy,
I am going to go out on a limb here and say Japanese women make those annoying crying sounds because it perpetuates the youth thing going on in Japan. Nothing is more sexy than a young girl and what better sound to hear than that of a 12 year old virgin vs. that of a 30 year old woman. The sound both makes the female appear to be a youthful virgin having sex for the very first time and also serves to excite the man because he hears the youthful cries of a girl sounding like a virgin instead of a grown woman. It also seems to accentuate the perception of innocence which on the outside seems to be a Japanese trait towards others.
Of course family and close friends know better, in fact family and close friends know a different person than I would meet on the street. If you were to meet my wife she would do the bow thing and smile as to appear to be polite, as would yours probably. But at home things are usually different. This makes it obvious when someone comments on how shy and innocent Japanese females are, this says they really have never gotten to know a Japanese female or male for that matter.
Not to take a negative tone, but what I am saying is that the Japanese are no better or worse than any other race of people and that politeness is a way of culture more than a way of the person.
Here is what I meant by the use of Toons in everything…notice the toons in this cell phone commercial. I have seen the same thing in the morning News and just about everything.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhaU-5j19-U