With maid cafes where pretty young girls that ooze submissiveness to their “masters”, and “shuccho health” (出張ヘルス, basically, dial-a-prostitute) and soap-lands (sensual bathing houses with soapy special service) to vending machines for porn, and specialty shops with used high school girl underwear; Japan, at least on the surface appears one of the most sexually proactive nations in the world. Japanese men are as perverted (if not more perverted) than those in other countries, and as for the ladies, on top of being naturally feminine (with petite sexy bodies, skin that doesn’t seem to change complexion from childhood, pretty faces and silky black hair), the women of Japan have no misconceptions about what style – clothes, perfume and make up – makes a man stop in his tracks, and rouse that tingle in his loins.
When interacting with others, sex and everything surrounding it is fair game for a topic of conversation in Japan and, it is certainly not frowned upon by religious groups or society at large as it is in the USA and other countries. When it comes to secreting sexual hormones and sexuality in general, almost nothing is taboo in Japan – until that is, the day one gets married, or so it seems. Indeed in stark sexual contrast, Japan may be suffering from a sexual drought, where being totally open about sex and being sexy in general, doesn’t seem to be converted into the ins-and-outs of baby making when it comes to married couples.
Shown in these statistics, a recent survey by Japan’s health ministry found that as many as one-third of all marriages in Japan are sexless. The problem is now so widespread that the government fears it is a major contributor to the dramatic plunge in Japan’s birthrate (now only 1.28 births per woman). This sexless phenomenon is not only found in those relationships that are plunging down the drain toward divorce, but to the contrary, more and more couples that consider themselves healthily married (and have no intention of separating), have not had sex with each other in the last month or more (the common definition of “sexless” in Japan), with many saying that they have not had sex together in the last 6 months to one year.
According to the most recent survey of 41 nations last October, the average Japanese has intercourse 45 (and according to Bayer Pharmaceuticals as low as 17) times a year, compared with the global average of 103. Japan is repeatedly at the bottom of the list. Last year it trailed Singapore, which was 28 shags a year higher!
The term “sexless”, was first used in Japan in the early 1990s, but now is instantly recognizable to the Japanese as a universally understood concept, and widely discussed in the media. There are books on the subject and thousands websites and heartbreaking blogs discussing sexless Japan, while letters on the subject fill agony columns on “dear doctor”-type sites.
One in five sexless couples say they view sex simply as a nuisance. A small number cite the lack of a private space, because children or elderly parents often sleep just the other side of a paper-thin door, leading many married couples to even sleep in separate rooms. Mitsui Home announced recently in an Asahi Newspaper article, that in 30% of the new houses they build, the couples are asking for 2 “master” bedrooms. This is a shocking statistic, which shows that sexless couples want to continue living their lives together – separately! “We are sort of room-mates rather than a married couple”, one 31-year-old man, who had not had sex with his wife for two years, told the Asahi Shinbun.
There are many other theories about why the Japanese become less inclined to raunchy evenings in the sack together, but likely it is a mixture of some of these:
- Stress of work/life in Japan (maybe the taihen cloud?)
- Lack of understanding, and usage of contraception, especially “the pill” (who wants to use condoms with their wife!?), making sex with your wife viable only when you want to have a baby
- Abundance of 不倫 (furin, or extra-marital) relationships
- More and more Japanese women choosing career over family
- A tendency among Japanese married couples to feel an aversion to sex with their spouse, not because they dislike one another, but rather because they feel that they have more of a sister-brother relationship; the sanctity of which would be destroyed with a repulsive incest-like feeling, by what westerners would consider normal conjugal relations
The last point is an interesting one, as in the past, it has been traditionally Japanese women who complained that they couldn’t see their hubby “as a member of the opposite sex.” But in the last few years, there’s been an exponential increase in men who can’t view their wives as sexual partners either. While it is true that many Japanese married couples seem to be sexless in nature, they key thing to remember is that this certainly does not mean that they lack the desire for sexual fulfillment. While marriage and children may bring on a sex drought in the home, Japanese people who want (and in the case of most men, need) sex do not simply abstain from sex because they cannot see the feminine qualities in their own wife, or the sexual attraction of their hard working husband.
Japanese men love their companies; they live for work, and many don’t even think it is a problem if they don’t have sex with their wives. They have pornography and the sex industry (soap lands, cabaret bars, and dial-a-girl services, and trips to Taiwan) to take care of their needs, but their wives have nowhere to go. They just suffer in silence.. or do they? The divorce rate in Japan has nearly doubled in the past 10 years, with more women blaming their sexually inactive, as opposed to sexually errant, husbands for break-ups. Though they may not be seeking sexual pleasure from their better halves, married Japanese women are seeking intimacy from other sources (many even claim to have a sex addiction), leading double lives – being the good mother, while at the same time seeking out “Leroy” the lover, who is always lurking, and ready to fulfill her every desire.
Japan is full of temptation, and it doesn’t matter whether you are a housewife or salary-man, there is plenty of raunchy action waiting out there – if that is what you desire. Furin sites to find a (extra marital) “sex friend” partner are just as rampant in Japan as in other countries, however they are much more widely used by women in Japan to solve their sexless quandaries. For the more conservative ladies, sites like mixi.jp – which are neutrally classed as “social networking” spaces – are abound with profiles (men and women) looking for partners to secretly spruce up their sexless, but otherwise happily married lives.
Many Japanese marriages may be sexless, but this is only a statistic about the state of sex within marriage itself. In fact, there may be a good reason for the sexless condition of marriages here – Are the Japanese getting enough of the good stuff outside their marriages to keep them happy? I certainly think so.
Japanese people will never be sexless as individuals; therefore Japan is not sexless, so don’t let mere statistics confuse the situation!
(If you are married in Japan, or married to a Japanese, let us know what you think of “Sexless Japan” by leaving a comment below!)
I am glad this thread has helped someone avoid a life time of hell.
LA Person you made a wise choice, if you ever do try Japanese again make it only sex and don’t knock her up.
You did good by looking at the mother….Apples dont fall too far from the tree.
Mean while I am going to try to have sex this morning with my J-wife, lets see how it goes.
LA;
Good for you, but don’t get completely turned off by J-girls(J-boys). Just be aware that the one that can meet our needs after marriage or children without going completely placid is truelly a diamond in the ruff. Wait till your done with everything; school, career, and your dating/fucking hunger. Get all that settled to a managable place in your life then settle down. Just bewarn, even the sexless marriages affect those married to any kind of woman/man. Make sure you make it clear to your future spouse that changes will occurr which can’t be controlled but that you want to remain romatically and sexually active in your marriage. And if problems start showing up, bring them to light and fix them as soon as you guys can. That way you can avoid going through what some of us has gone through, including opening yourself up to a thred like this one.
Might be a realist, but my optimism kicks in every once in awhile.
Actually being completely turned off by J-people is the perfect thing to do, this way you will never make the mistake of marrying one.
No need to look through a pile of crap for a diamond in the rough, its crap and they are all fake, just look elsewhere.
I’m just saying, It takes work to find the right one. Plus, I think you did the same mistake as I did. Not talk about it/deal with it before it got bad. A few of my friends are happy. They even have children, and are still active. So it is not all bad.
About sex with the wife, as expected its a no-go.
All is dry, cold and dead-fish like at the home front.
In addition to the sex issue anyone ever notice any odd personality quirks from their J-mates??
Like someone posted before about their spouse, I really do think mine has a mental problem or at the very least some kind of personality disorder.
@ Coconut;
It has nothing to do with sexless thread but since you’ve mentioned it I might as well share my story to you to have some mirror.About the mental issue thing,you have to be very careful about that, since you do something crazy she will just do extremely un imaginable payback.
Ok here’s my story,I am a japanese guy and( brought up in the US).I brought up myself in the U.S I should say.During my early twenty’s I wante dto have some challenges so I went to th U.S. to learn english,I fell inlove to L.A. and the american life, and I felt like this is the place where I belong. I went for my master’s degree then PhD.And live and work in the US.Its been 30 years ago.OK let’s jump to my second marriage.She was introduced to me by my mother she’s Japanese of course, a very majime(she’s the quite-know’s-everything-type), very good house keeper according to my motehr etc. etc. my regret I still listened to my mother and was still scared of her those day’s(that japanese portion of me has remained).She was brought to the US and then we moved back to japan because of work first four years it was ok,we had two kids and then we lived a quite, boring, typical japanese family live’s.I work she stays at home.She’s from Inaka we lived in Tokyo so she didn’t fit in. Problem began there whic I didnt notice, I didnt notice she doesnt have friends.I love to have people coming (company people) to my house for barbecues and all that, she get along with the flow.During those year’s I have never noticed she never invited anyone, She never go out without me.I was too busy to notice.After four years we need to go back to L.A.(the place where I belong) She loves the place too but she just doesnt fit in. She has started hating and refusing to accept visitor’s,She hated me going to my Christian church, She would like to stick in her Buddhist belief(which doesnt have any problem with me,but she used to be so submissive in front of my mother) She hated me visiting the grave of my dead son in a previous marriage. She hated being the second wife.She get’s paranoid.That was nine years of marriage and there was a lot of hidden things that I never knew and she confessed towards the end so I decided to get divorced(after many times of trying to fix it).
Our whole marriage was a performance.So initially she agreed to get divorce .I checked from the lawyer in L.A. how to amicably get divorce and I told my wife the cost and necessary thing’s to do.She said it’s too expensive,she doesnt want me to spend anything(note this,all Japanese lady’s are like this).She offered we should dissolve our marriage in Japan since are Japanese and we registered our marriage there.I told her we need to split thig’s from top to bottom and I will support the kids(I love my kid’s) and gave her choice to live in the US while I support them but she said she needs to go back to Japan(since it is hard to raise kids w/o her parents moral support,If she gets divorce) she can work(she was a pharmacist back then) she doesnt need my support.So we agreed we will go to Japan as a family trip and dissolve our maariage there,we all go back together in the US and prepare for her and the kids to move back to Japan.So we will wait until spring vacation for them to finally move back.
During these period of time ther’s a lot more performances she did but I would just jump to thme finally moving back to Japan,I shipped all the stuffs she wanted to have.I went for the business trip for two weeks and when I came back to the US I was served with dissolution of marriage petition. Shocked. I found out while I was on a trip they went immediately back to athe US she has changed her mind get a legal advisor.And decided to screw me.(I could never believe that dumb looking quite,anti-social obaasang managed to get a lawyer and bunch of religious obaasang croonies) During the dissolution proceeding’s she made it soo hard,she pretended she doesnt undstand any english(which is a fucking lie) so she needed to have translator(at my cost),I also have to pay for her lawyer and mine, and temporary support while(still proceedings is going on).She and her lawyer made-up a lot of expenses for kid’s naraigoto(cram school) and she also need to improve her english so judge ordered me to pay for her schoolings,during the mediation she never agrees to anything.During that time I just wanted to move on and make it all done and all I care was the welfare of my kids,I was willing to pay and follow whatever judge ordered me to do but that fucking bitch prolonged it the dissolution proceedings lasted 2 years and four month’s. 2 years and four month’s of fighting for nothing,s he dig and dig and dig through my accounts and properties and she dig thorugh my mother’s accounts and accusing me of hiding my earnings letting my mother keep it just incase divorce arise she fought for half of the house that my mother bought long before she came into our live’s.She fought tooth and nail and the cost of that legal battle,lawyer fee’s, unnecessary supprot made me almost broke and traumatised.
Later did I realized she has paranoai depression and schezoprhenia( amental dis-order so subtle that the cna just play it around) Now she is ruining my reputation to my kid’s she not-stoppingly blames me for anything and for everything.Make this as a mirror when you ever decided to get divorce think of it carefully,know your rights, and choose the right place and dont be naive and dont believe too much of whatever they say.Never screw a Japanese woman they will hate you to their grave.
I also heard a lot worst but similar presonalities to my ex and similar thing’s they did during the divorce.ahhhhh they’re and they will get even crazier when they need too.
Nihonjin_Here
My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately I have heard of such a story we just don’t we dont run into those kinds of girls/guys. You should have fought for the kids. Since you are the soul bread earner. But my condolecense, see this is why “you” yourself should do the work finding your girl/guy. Because if you leave it to your parents, whose got the old school mentality, they might easily suckered by a nice face or a girl/guy with traditional back ground. There is a reason why parental match making occurences have been great fodder for sitcoms, dramas, and movies. Hell, I see similar stories come up on TV. Not entirely a shocker, but stiill makes you want to say,”That is fucked up!!!”
Coconut
I was wondering why you were so grumpy before. Time to head out to the Red light or hook u your FB…….. I am sorry.
Does anybody else notice the irony with the dating ad that is attached to this thred and what we’re talking about. I just think that is a little wierd, borderline inappropriate.
Nihonjin,
Wow, your second marriage/divorce reminds me of my first marriage/divorce…it took a long time and was a bitter ugly battle.
About the schezoprhenia and depression….I too can honestly say mine must have some mild form of some mental disorder. In fact she knows she is not 100% normal and I have seen her literally fight to keep a sane mindset. I know when it starts to flare up or get worse, but its really always there in the back ground. She too is very paranoid.
Thanks for sharing.
@D.C.,
FB…yeah I have been seriously thinking about that.
D.C 601 and Cocunut, thank you !
Reading yours, and all others who have opened up here, left me feeling that we’re friends. Like reading a book that you know the author so well.
Here’s a beer to all of you !
I sincerely hope things would get better for all of you so much so as I see really good and honest people trying to make their marriages work (and one funny dude who was selling his wares).
I would get flamed for this but – I think polygamy was after all a grand idea
@ D.C. 601
and coconut
Thank’s for listening. Yeah during that time I was really fucked up but, thinking about it now, I am very glad I got out of that marriage.It was a dull,dry like an air marriage(Like almost all the general marriages you’ve had). I am now married to a Filipina I’ve met at the University I’m teaching,and been happily married for nine years. And yeah the judge granted me 50/50 custody for kid’s.In retrospect I am glad they didnt go back to Japan otherwise I would never have seen my children again.
LA Person:
I am glad you found this site before it was too late. For me it was too late.
Please walk away from the relationship you have with this Japanese woman. Maybe before you do that have her read all of the over 600 post and let us know her feed back.
In the article at the link below the author makes the following statement, “Women are intended to be helpmates, not soul mates.”
http://www.henrymakow.com/dumping_my_dream_girl.html
I think for the most part we find that Japanese women to be excellent helpmates. However: they suck at being a soul mate. It is the case in my marriage. The author does give an interesting conclusion. I know that I have time for energy elsewhere because my wife is a such a great helpmate? I have time for my hobbies, sports, and political activism. This is all true. However: that does not stop me from having a desire to hold and be with another woman that came into my life. Can I divorce my help mate wife and find a more fulfilling life with this other women I do love and who is truly my soul mate. I hunger for her so very much. However: so much of my life would be turned around if I got a divorce to be with her. I know the free time in my life for other activities would drop greatly. The time I would have with my college age kids would also be limited. I know it just would not be worth it. Logic sends me one way and My sexual and emotional needs just push me in a different directions. In addition it just would not be fair to this woman to have an affair with her? In a way it would just be a selfish act on my part. I am just torn.
On a little bit different topic. My 20 year old son came home from college for a few days. My wife will with out being asked by him massage his back and give him a back adjustment. Being the son of a chiropractor I taught her how to do this simple adjustment. It would be nice if she would do the same to me now and then. However: she will not even touch me. It is like what the F. It is the weirdest feeling in the world to be jealous of your own son being massaged by your own wife. I kind of get it but it still freaks me out that I have this jealous feeling. She treats me like her brother and because this is the case she does not want to touch me. Who wants to give your brother or sister a massage? I sure would not care to do it.
It kind of sucks to be me. But in another way it is good to be me. I do have fun doing outside activities without my wife. She does allow me the time and freedom for this. I have a whole world of friends and activities outside of her life.
Timmy;
What a dilemma, I would even think Dr. Phil might have a hard time answering that one, but he would eventually come to a well thought out answer. Sooner than I could. But you have one advantage over us…… Your kids are growing, and there is, really, nothing to tie you down .
I meant “grown”
LA Person,
When I got married, I had no idea what I was getting into.
I am glad that you did not waste YEARS of your life in misery, married to a Japanese woman.
It’s good to know that our writings of our experiences have saved a life.
Best of luck with a Polish (or any) woman! If you find a good one, they are wonderful, but there are some bad ones too… so be careful!
D.C. 601:
You wrote:” there is, really, nothing to tie you down .”
I would have to say in a small way you are correct. However: I have been married 27 years and as a result my wife and I have many things we own together. I know it would be very difficult to divide equally the three homes we have and everything we have. Two can live almost at the same cost as one if things are shared. My life as a result would become much more difficult if I lived on my own.
Even though my children are older I still know it would hurt them if I left my wife for another. In addition my time with them would be greatly reduced if I left.
In addition I have come close to my nephew and niece on my wife’s side of the family. I would most likely hardly ever see them if I left my wife. My brothers and sisters love my wife so they would also be saddened.
As the song goes Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. I do not have freedom because I do have many things to lose if I dumped my wife. I am for the most part tied down.
My sex drive is very strong. It is probably higher than most men and I am married to an asexual Japanese woman. My wife is a kind woman and we get along together for the most part. I do hang out now and then with another woman that I love and she also feels the same towards me. Is my love so strong that I should leave my wife for her? Sometimes I can honestly say yes and when I think about it logically I say no.
My wife says at times that I can take on a girlfriend. In a way I have developed a relationship with anther woman. However: I respect this woman a great deal and I want to be fair to her. I do not want to use her for my own needs. I do not want to do this to any woman. I do not think there is a solution to my situation.
All men should avoid being in my situation and run away and do not walk from any Japanese woman you meet.
Timmy
Those are factors in a equation that was unknown. And by the sound of your writing, you do value the relationships of your your family on both sides of the family, which I can greatly respect. Also the fact that the your wife practically gave you permission to have a girlfriend, tells me she is aware of the situation in your sexlife, or the lack there of. It also shows that she is civil towards you. so how about seeking help together if it is your wife you want to be with.
I don’t know if you guys have seeked counseling, but that is an option. Another option I suggest is actually a medical evaluation. I use to work as a medical technician in the service and I work in an office full of women that this subject pops up every once in while (which is code for frequently). But I’ve picked up some things, thanks also to the help of Dr. Oz to confirm this. But since women go through more hormonal changes than men, the lack of sex drive could most likely linked to these hormonal changes. And it could be verified with a medical examination. But be wiery for a possible fight, because, in essence, your actually letting her know that there could be something wrong with her. But reassure her that it is out of her control and that it is only a suggestion if she is willing.
I myself honor the sense of family, from both sides, but I also understand how uncomfortable it could get in a marriage if one or the other is unhappy or unsatisfied. Your families should respect you decision to either save your marriage or your sanities and they should love you none the less, even if they are a liittle hurt.
It is your call, but best wishes, best of luck, and my heart goes out to you. Take care.
D.C. 601:
Thank you for a thoughtful response. My wife is a typical modern Japanese woman. She would never receive counseling with me for this situation. She would not even read this article when asked by me. She is just like many other Japanese woman who are married with children in that they believe it is the norm not to have sex with your husband. She is happy the way she is so why would she want things to change.
Is it a hormonal problem? I think in part in might be. We live in the USA but she mainly eats a Japanese type of diet. I think it could be the high soy content in the Japanese diet that creates a hormonal imbalance that leads to asexuality. It is just a theory but something is going on in Japanese women that is more than just cultural. Culture can only partially hold back ones sex drive for only so long. For example I am a Christian and culturally it is wrong to have sex outside of marriage. My sex drive is so very strong that I stepped outside of this cultural norm a few times.
What the heck is going on in Japan? See the link below. Is someone putting a drug in their Ocha to keep them from being frisky?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/14/japanese-men-losing-sex-d_n_809271.html
Could have something to do with these
http://endojourney.wordpress.com/2009/07/31/a-list-of-xenoestrogens/
I have an idea that the Rabbit hole goes deeper than we are looking.
Timmy
It was just an idea. I actually thought she might go for it. Only because she practically gave you the green light to go outside the marriage. Well, atleast you know you have some options to try. I am going to read those articles now lets see what they say.
Coconut:
I think you are on to something about Xenoestrogens. I do see soy is on the list. No tofu for me and I am going to pour out the soy milk my wife uses and replace ii secretly with organic half and half.
See the article on soy. Japanese eat more than any other people in the world.
http://www.wnd.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=53327
I am one of those wacky conspiracy theorist. There is evidence that an elite want to reduce the population of the world to 500 million. see the following link of the Georgia Guide stones.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Georgia_Guidestones
One way these elite can reducing the population is by war and disease. For example 911 was an inside job to promote war in the middle east. Another example AIDS was created to reduce the population of blacks. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A33695-2005Jan24.html
I also believe that Xenoestrogens have been put out there purposely to feminize the male population to make us less aggressive so that we can be controlled. In addition this will increase homosexuality and asexuality that will results in fewer rug rats. Am I the only one that notices that the young men today have narrower shoulders than their grand fathers. Young women also seem to have hips more narrow. The differences between the sexes have become less. How many people do we see today that we have to question if they are a man or woman. This never happened when I was young. The young Japanese men today especially look like girlie men where as their fathers look much more masculine.
Not every race will be effected by Chemicals in the same way. For example many Japanese like my wife are allergic to alcohol. It is more rare to see this in Scandinavians. Could it be that the Japanese because of their biology are more sensitive to Xenoestrogens and as a result now have a higher rate of asexuality than other people groups ?
Timmy, yes I have noticed that too…in fact I have bought it up many times to friends but people seem oblivious to it or just blindly accepting. I see an alarming rate of gay-ish young men now-a-days and women are increasingly becoming more man-like and violent. Not only with the less broad shoulders of males but the increased rate of men with boobs, and women with increased facial hair.
In addition the American culture as a whole has steadily been female-power oriented. From the fashion of women wearing broad shouldered sports coats and cloths back in the 80’s, to movies like G.I Jane, Lorah Croft and a variety of other unrealistic super females who manage to beat up 250lb men easily, and the list goes on and on. Slogans like “Strong enough for a man but made for a woman” being replaced by “Strong enough for a woman but made for a man” and other slogans being made to cater to women being stronger and more in charge and men being more frail and weak. Beer commercials and the like regularly show men as week and stupid compared to their female counter parts.
In many ways its all very subtle but it is consistent and persistent. Notice on the list of Xnoestrogens that they are regularly put into skin care products to be absorbed 100% into the skin. They serve no purpose but to increase estrogen, they have no smell and do not enhance the product in any other way.
I could go on, but you and I see eye to eye on this subject. Its ashamed that the rest of society seems to blind and it is discouraging to know that all this in being done purposely.
As far as the Japanese are concerned. I think their culture took a turn right after WWII, before that the culture was more into war mongering much like many war-like nations are today. After that the county did an about face and became total opposite. So much so, that today the average Japanese has no ability to even interpret danger or violence the same as they used too. For example the Japanese who went to Iraq to ‘see’ what the war their was like, as if it were a tourist event. Ultimately they were killed. The culture changed in many ways though many avenues from TV, to music, relationships, duty, even in some ways the dynamics between husbands and wives.
Now Japan is full of females who never mature fully into women until late in age and when they do they are less woman and more just a asexual human being. And men who are more female looking, soft and fragile than previous generations, even looking in many ways more like women than men. IMO, Japan was an experiment to see how a society can be molded and changed, but the experiment has left the culture at the edge of being extinct.
You guys are jumping to conclusions. That list of xenoestrogens Timmy posted was mostly compiled from cancer prevention websites, nothing to do with asexuality. Which brings me to my point: there are a lot of chemicals out there that are doing a lot of different things to the people that are exposed to them. Cancer, autism, maybe even sexlessness. But there is no evidence to suggest that it is being done for any reason other than to maximise the profits of the companies that make the products. No-one is in control of the human race, and thats our main problem, not conspiracies.
I don’t know what the cause for the sexual problems in Japan are, but I will note that sexlessness is a growing problem here in the west too.
I also want to add that my girlfriend is Japanese and she’s wonderful. We’ve had our problems, and I’m sure we’ll have more, but you get that in any relationship, with people from any culture.
I think the key word McLovin wrote is “girlfriend”. Tick-tock, tick-tock…
McLovin:
It is a conspiracy if the members of the corporation know the products they produce are harmful.
The research shows the problem is greater in Japan than anywhere else in the world. Please dump your girlfriend before it is too late. I doubt very much there will be much loving if you marry this Japanese girl and have kids with her.
Timmy, I agree about corporations knowingly adding harmful or otherwise useless [with regards to the advertised product] ingredients to products. However the word “conspiracy” automatically voids any merit in the minds of many, no matter how strong the evidence.
Anyways, I also agree that McLovin should RUN not walk away from any committed relationship with J-women. Have fun, but never say those famous words that turn women from Ms. Jekyll into Mrs. Hyde.
Also noticing the increased number of “men with boobs” has actually given me some hope. You see, my dear, lovely, sweet Japanese wife (which is true in so many ways, though there’s also a touch of sarcasm in my description) has never liked me to touch her breasts. Of course, she didn’t tell me that for a long, long time, and I long thought her lack of response had more to do with her self-consciousness about that part of her body since she is, like many Japanese women, rather flat-chested. No matter what I did in that area — things that had worked well with every previous partner — there was no reaction from her. Of course, that’s true with most of her body, and after a while, I came to realize that just about the only erogenous zone she seemed to have is her p#$$¥! That makes for a real challenge because while I absolutely love that area, she also doesn’t like me going straight for that every time I want to turn her on. In general, that’s not what I would want to do anyway — and besides, like most women, she doesn’t enjoy that if she isn’t first turned on to at least some degree. However, there don’t seem to be any words I can say or write, any situation we could plan or accidentally find ourselves in, any type or amount of household responsibilities I could do, or anything else that could ever excite her with any degree of reliability whatsoever at any point in our now over 18 years together.
As most of you will not be surprised to learn, no amount of effort on my part has ever motivated her to tell me what turns her on. Her usual reaction to being asked my me — even during what I thought were the closest, most trusting moments of our relationship — has often been to shrug her shoulders and say, “I don’t know.” I forced myself to open up about all sorts of things that were not at all easy for me to talk about, thinking that the trust I showed her would help to motivate her to trust me. But nothing I’ve done has ever resulted in her sharing with me such information — or even, if she truly doesn’t know, in motivating her to put a little bit of effort into trying to learn more about her own body and find out what does turn her on.
So, back to those man boobs! Why do they give me hope? Well, even though my wife’s breasts are fairly small, I love her body, including her breasts. She knows that, and even though I’ve reassured her and complimented her again & again & again over many, many years, but that makes no difference — nor does the knowledge she has that at least playing along with me once in while would be a great turn on for me. So, I figure that after all these years of making no progress with her resistance to me kissing or even just touching them, I at least have some hope that I will develop man boobs that I will find attractive enough to touch! And in that case, I know that when I’m really not in the mood, I’ll turn myself down in a way that is loving and understanding, rather than treat myself as if I’m just selfish and there’s something wrong with me!
Sometimes, we latch on to hope wherever we can find it!
– K
P.S. This thread is still going! Wow! My first post was almost 4 years ago!
paste this article title into Google
Is there sex after marriage to a Japanese woman?
mitaboy
That article was not written by a Japanese person, nor was it written by a person with actual first hand experience with a J-woman. Being the husband of a J-wife and having many J-friends for over a decade I can tell when someone speaks of the Japanese if they have first hand experience or not.
These magical two parts they talk about is rubbish.
Part 1: You need to communicate with your Japanese lover early in the relationship – before you get married – so that you both understand how important sex should be to each other. Set expectations early so that there are no surprises or disappointments!
It does not matter if you talk about it or not. The fact is women have already calculated the risks and truly expect the men to do nothing less than a normal J-man would do….golf, drink, other women etc. The Japanese do not have a Western view of marriage, its not something you can “talk about” to make them change their expectations that have been in ingrained in culturally with a conversation or two.
Part 2: You need to help your Japanese woman understand how sexual pleasure can be a healing and relaxing part of a relationship. If you help your woman understand how good sex can be for her, she is more likely to keep you satisfied as well.
This is a fools hope. This won’t even work on American women….been there done that. Dream on, the author of the article has no idea how the culture works and how difficult or impossible it is to change the very person you are….in Japan culture runs deep into the actions and way of living, its not as superficial as it is in America to Americans.
I see the article was written by someone called Xandar……Google Tianna Xandar…no doubt the same person.
@Coconut – I suspect that article was probably written by mitaboy himself…
Coconut:
I agree with you that you can not make a change in Japanese women by talking with her. Yes, the culture does run deep. Not just about sex about almost everything else in life I am to understand that this is what the Japanese do and think. It does not matter that we live in the USA. The Japanese way is the way everything is to operate in our marriage.
this advice is good.
I have been having some interesting dialog with a married Japanese female. She is in her mid 30’s and her husband is in his upper 40’s. The dialog has been about love and relationships as well as H [sex]. Apparently a sexless Japanese marriage is just as common as it appears and the normal rate of sex [for those who even have sex] is on the order of 1 time every few months. This she says is very normal amongst anyone who has been married for more than a few years. In her situation it has been more than a year since she has had sex with her husband and she has no plans on having sex again now that they have a child. She wonders why her husband does not seem interested in her and ignores her so much which has made the feeling of love very low or all but gone in her marriage. There is no correlation between sex, and affection to love. Apparently Japanese women feel men should be as interested and loving towards their wives even if there is no sex and no affection.
I must say, it has been a treat to get first hand information from the “Horses mouth” about Japanese women. However, even though this seems to be the norm there are exceptions, so some lucky man just might marry a hentai J-female. She says that some of her female friends do have sex on a regular basis but not with their husbands. And that some females do like sex more than others but usually they are not married and are probably younger.
I don’t even need to read anything here.. japan doesnt understand the concept of marriage. everyone has sex with everyone, its basically one big orgy. I have been working in a bar here for 5 years and the shit I’ve heard and seen you “average” married man do would make anyone cry with jealousy…
statistics are pointless cause the sex that does happen here is not talked about.
the end.
Knowitall:
I lived in Japan in the early eighties. I also have seen a great deal. This topic is about the kind of weird situation in Japan in that married couples rarely have sex.
Japan is a paradox. One can have sex freely. However: rarely is it with your spouse.
I live in the USA at this time. My Japanese wife will not have sex with me. However: she does not care if I have sex with another women. She just does not want to know the details. This is not an unusual situation in Japan. However: in the rest of the world this would be very unusual.
Timmy
I remember reading this, I don’t know, something like a year ago. It’s really taken on a life of it’s own — seriously, you should turn this into a book or something! The real-life research alone is kind of amazing. Since the first time I read this — I guess it was more that a year ago — I got married, and things are good! I think the important point was to talk about it first, making sure we’d both be “into” staying physical even after the wedding. Also my wife is really independent and not like many of the Japanese who I meet, except in public, where such-and-such manners are expected and appropriate. Actually, I’d bet that most people are really different in private that in public. It’s funny how we met, actually. She runs a salon and one day I needed a haircut. I could see this place from where I was teaching at the time. We’d met once or twice before, but I went in and I just never gave up. Persistence, man. Six months, seven months later, the polite distance was completely gone and it’s been awesome ever since. I don’t really know what’s gonna happen when someday we have kids — the “thin walls” point — but we’ve agreed to keep intimacy an important part of life, and that’s the plan. For people who are struggling now, I’d say, maybe a little less talk and a little more boldness? Just do? I just find that “talking about it” kills the mood. For what it’s worth. Best to you all!
Adam Rotmil:
Just do not have kids. Once that happens you will be last on your old ladies list.
Oh, I hope that isn’t true. Having a child is part of our dream. I mean, mine too. Yeah I know, it means being woken up every hour for a long time, lots more responsibility. I imagine though a kind of joy that can’t be described in any other way, in spite of the challenge of raising a child. Everyone has a past, so yeah, the unattached girlfriend days are over. And I don’t miss those days because somehow I always knew it would end eventually. Finally, it doesn’t end. I accept that problems are very common in Japan, but I also think a happy and passionate marriage, even with a child, is possible. Even if it’s the exception. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong, but we trust each other. I think it will be overall very good, and faithful. That’s about all I can really say.
Adam Rotmil:
The odds are your Japanese wife will ignore your sexual needs and hers once the child is born. All her passion will be placed on your child. She will be a great mother and most likely a terrible lover.
Timmy
Men never listen, maybe this is why mankind has lasted so long after all….People warned me, and those before me too. None of us listened as a result we had kids and eventually divorced etc….
The cycle continues…..
Go ahead Rotmil, why should you be any different.
This whole thing can be partially summed up by looking at the “Sunk Cost Fallacy” where someone invests X-amount of money/time/emotion into something. Once the investment is made there is an emotional obligation to stick with it in order to reap the ‘imagined’ reward.
Usually over time the person ‘sinks’ further into the whole as his investment turns into a bust.
I know many with automatically disagree without even thinking about it. But we see it all the time in every aspect of our lives.
If the relationship is great in the beginning [as they always are], which way can it possibly go from there? Better….no likely, stay the same….possible but not probable, gradually get worse…this is the case in the great majority of relationships throughout time. Throughout the history of man-kind on Earth, men and women have historically gone down the same path as time goes on in their relationships [no matter what race]. Yet somehow we keep clinging to a “Dream” and a “Hope” thinking it will “Be like this always….” Of course there are some exceptions to this which means there is always a chance.
This forum has helped some men to face the reality of marriage, esp. the marriage of a Japanese woman. Its not likely to help every man, some will still let their judgment be clouded by Love, Hope, Desire, Foolishness. etc. All I can say is if/when it happens to warn others not to make the same mistake.
This married Japanese female I am emailing with right now is 10 years younger than my wife and from a different part of Japan. Yet she is so much like my wife its scarey, even when I described my wife to her, she was amazed how similar they are…. Yet her and all of her friends marriages ended up the exact same way. Odd thing is she told me that it is good that women complain….she said that she heard that “If women did not complain in marriage the divorce rate would be higher”. I said WTF??? I asked her does she honestly think that her husband thinks to himself how lucky he is because he wife complains all the time? Like a mother who complains to her children to “Pick up their socks”, “Clean up their room”….etc. she thinks that this is what keeps men loyal and loving to women…..logic is men love their mothers, even though their mothers complain all the time. Insane thinking…..
wow,
after seeing you guys chat and discuss, i believe that some “anomaly” like cheating would be “not anomaly” if people permit it.
in my country such behaviour (cheat) would be punished, not only with social but with law. and it ended up with “marital compromise”. such compromise, showing only wife can have husband. and with such compromise, people live with healthier family and healthier live.
maybe you guys can have so much bigger salary than people in my country, but if it compare with enjoyable of live my people should be get so much bigger than yours
with happy family and no cheating
@Fall
Which country do you live in?
BTW, Japan Law permits a man to divorce his wife if she does not have sex with him…neglect.
However most men do not take advantage of that law as they themselves are probably not interested in sex with their wives. Instead why not just have a house-keeper who cooks etc. and have sex with someone else outside the home. Japanese mistresses are much much more understanding than American mistresses. A Japanese mistresses will not cause trouble in the mans marriage, she will give him space and time because she understands her role. Also if the wife found out about the mistress, the wife could sue the mistress for damages and get money.
The culture is unique, but people who value emotional Love and closeness should avoid it.
fall:
I am in agreement with you that in a culture with no cheating and a bonding between the husband and wife you will have a happy family and the end result will be enjoyable and healthy life. I would love to have a wife that has desire for emotional love with the end result being physical with each other. It is now my lot in life that this is not going to happen. It is the lot in the life of thousands of men who are married to Japanese women. If I were to guess I would say you are from a Muslim country or one with a strong Christian tradition.
Coconut:
In Japan what do you think the mistress get out of the relationship? Do you think as a rule they have no desire to be married. Are many of the mistresses married but to another man.
FSD? FSAD? TAKERS?
Timmy
Some mistresses get their sexual desires fulfilled and yes some are married. I know some of them, including the one I am communicating with via email. Others get money out of the deal, I knew at least two of these type myself. They were mistresses to men who made lots of money and much older. The men payed for their apartments and gave them cash. The female I am talking too via email is married and has made it clear that if I were in Japan we could definitely have a sexual relationship together. She knows i am married to a Japanese female and that is no problem for her.
Another female I knew was married but lived apart from her husband. She was not in a relationship with any other men but many if not most of her married female friends had lovers on the side and few slept with their husbands. In fact she said that when she did have sex with her husband she gave him 60 seconds and would literally count to herself. When the 60 seconds were up she would make him stop. Perhaps this is why he left I don’t know.