With maid cafes where pretty young girls that ooze submissiveness to their “masters”, and “shuccho health” (出張ヘルス, basically, dial-a-prostitute) and soap-lands (sensual bathing houses with soapy special service) to vending machines for porn, and specialty shops with used high school girl underwear; Japan, at least on the surface appears one of the most sexually proactive nations in the world. Japanese men are as perverted (if not more perverted) than those in other countries, and as for the ladies, on top of being naturally feminine (with petite sexy bodies, skin that doesn’t seem to change complexion from childhood, pretty faces and silky black hair), the women of Japan have no misconceptions about what style – clothes, perfume and make up – makes a man stop in his tracks, and rouse that tingle in his loins.
When interacting with others, sex and everything surrounding it is fair game for a topic of conversation in Japan and, it is certainly not frowned upon by religious groups or society at large as it is in the USA and other countries. When it comes to secreting sexual hormones and sexuality in general, almost nothing is taboo in Japan – until that is, the day one gets married, or so it seems. Indeed in stark sexual contrast, Japan may be suffering from a sexual drought, where being totally open about sex and being sexy in general, doesn’t seem to be converted into the ins-and-outs of baby making when it comes to married couples.
Shown in these statistics, a recent survey by Japan’s health ministry found that as many as one-third of all marriages in Japan are sexless. The problem is now so widespread that the government fears it is a major contributor to the dramatic plunge in Japan’s birthrate (now only 1.28 births per woman). This sexless phenomenon is not only found in those relationships that are plunging down the drain toward divorce, but to the contrary, more and more couples that consider themselves healthily married (and have no intention of separating), have not had sex with each other in the last month or more (the common definition of “sexless” in Japan), with many saying that they have not had sex together in the last 6 months to one year.
According to the most recent survey of 41 nations last October, the average Japanese has intercourse 45 (and according to Bayer Pharmaceuticals as low as 17) times a year, compared with the global average of 103. Japan is repeatedly at the bottom of the list. Last year it trailed Singapore, which was 28 shags a year higher!
The term “sexless”, was first used in Japan in the early 1990s, but now is instantly recognizable to the Japanese as a universally understood concept, and widely discussed in the media. There are books on the subject and thousands websites and heartbreaking blogs discussing sexless Japan, while letters on the subject fill agony columns on “dear doctor”-type sites.
One in five sexless couples say they view sex simply as a nuisance. A small number cite the lack of a private space, because children or elderly parents often sleep just the other side of a paper-thin door, leading many married couples to even sleep in separate rooms. Mitsui Home announced recently in an Asahi Newspaper article, that in 30% of the new houses they build, the couples are asking for 2 “master” bedrooms. This is a shocking statistic, which shows that sexless couples want to continue living their lives together – separately! “We are sort of room-mates rather than a married couple”, one 31-year-old man, who had not had sex with his wife for two years, told the Asahi Shinbun.
There are many other theories about why the Japanese become less inclined to raunchy evenings in the sack together, but likely it is a mixture of some of these:
- Stress of work/life in Japan (maybe the taihen cloud?)
- Lack of understanding, and usage of contraception, especially “the pill” (who wants to use condoms with their wife!?), making sex with your wife viable only when you want to have a baby
- Abundance of 不倫 (furin, or extra-marital) relationships
- More and more Japanese women choosing career over family
- A tendency among Japanese married couples to feel an aversion to sex with their spouse, not because they dislike one another, but rather because they feel that they have more of a sister-brother relationship; the sanctity of which would be destroyed with a repulsive incest-like feeling, by what westerners would consider normal conjugal relations
The last point is an interesting one, as in the past, it has been traditionally Japanese women who complained that they couldn’t see their hubby “as a member of the opposite sex.” But in the last few years, there’s been an exponential increase in men who can’t view their wives as sexual partners either. While it is true that many Japanese married couples seem to be sexless in nature, they key thing to remember is that this certainly does not mean that they lack the desire for sexual fulfillment. While marriage and children may bring on a sex drought in the home, Japanese people who want (and in the case of most men, need) sex do not simply abstain from sex because they cannot see the feminine qualities in their own wife, or the sexual attraction of their hard working husband.
Japanese men love their companies; they live for work, and many don’t even think it is a problem if they don’t have sex with their wives. They have pornography and the sex industry (soap lands, cabaret bars, and dial-a-girl services, and trips to Taiwan) to take care of their needs, but their wives have nowhere to go. They just suffer in silence.. or do they? The divorce rate in Japan has nearly doubled in the past 10 years, with more women blaming their sexually inactive, as opposed to sexually errant, husbands for break-ups. Though they may not be seeking sexual pleasure from their better halves, married Japanese women are seeking intimacy from other sources (many even claim to have a sex addiction), leading double lives – being the good mother, while at the same time seeking out “Leroy” the lover, who is always lurking, and ready to fulfill her every desire.
Japan is full of temptation, and it doesn’t matter whether you are a housewife or salary-man, there is plenty of raunchy action waiting out there – if that is what you desire. Furin sites to find a (extra marital) “sex friend” partner are just as rampant in Japan as in other countries, however they are much more widely used by women in Japan to solve their sexless quandaries. For the more conservative ladies, sites like mixi.jp – which are neutrally classed as “social networking” spaces – are abound with profiles (men and women) looking for partners to secretly spruce up their sexless, but otherwise happily married lives.
Many Japanese marriages may be sexless, but this is only a statistic about the state of sex within marriage itself. In fact, there may be a good reason for the sexless condition of marriages here – Are the Japanese getting enough of the good stuff outside their marriages to keep them happy? I certainly think so.
Japanese people will never be sexless as individuals; therefore Japan is not sexless, so don’t let mere statistics confuse the situation!
(If you are married in Japan, or married to a Japanese, let us know what you think of “Sexless Japan” by leaving a comment below!)
18 years of relationship, 12 of marriage. Sex practically non-existent, absolute soulmates, absolutely faithful to each other. Spend all our time outside work together. Very very happy, I think.
I’ve been told Japanese are all emotion and little reason; also place an enormous stress on inside and outside.
Well, the trick then is to think emotionally and treat the mate as the ultimate insider. She does. I’ve learned to.
All our arguments without exception have started in logic.
Forget it. Just live with the heart.
Sex is so secondary, ultimately.
There are other ways to be close.
What about Japanese men that choose a sexless marriage? All I’ve read is comments from men either married to or involved with Japanese women who are either happy or getting it elsewhere mainly with permission. But what about the foreign women married to Japanese men who just can’t. No way in the world will they go to find out if it is something physically wrong. Its just “culture” what the??? How do non-Japanese women out there cope with it?
@flowers
There are a few posts up there from women married to J-men. Most women probably just do the smart thing and leave. Sunk-cost thinking refers to men more than women usually.
@Alex
If sex is non-existent in your marriage, then its way lower than being secondary. If you enjoy the close brother-sister relationship or room-mates type of life style then more power to you.
Enjoy!
makes marriage a bad joke
I have been married twice- both times to japanese women. I can truthfully say I found both to be very selfish and self-serving in the relationship. Having a large number of friends marry, then divorce – or struggle with – japanese women should have forwarned me of what to expect. Now I am “stuck” with a “parasite” of a wife (japanese) who can barely lift a finger around the house and acts like my income is not enough in comparison with her other japanese friends husbands (I make six figures, by the way). Because I have a daughter I stay – and that’s the only reason!
I have started to do more things with with friends away from the marriage, which keeps me sane! And I decide not to have sex with my wife because I see her now only as a parasite, which she is(!), which just kills any desire for her. If I did not have a daughter I would have kicked her to the curb long ago.
Japanese women are sexy and beautiful! But, their society creates these parasitic women who have no choice other than to find a meal-ticket for a husband.
Interesting article- and even more interesting comments!
Chris:
My Japanese wife is a goddess when it comes to the house hold. She loves to keep a clean house and cook very good healthy food. I think she is not an exception for a Japanese women. She is definitely not a parasite in that she also has a full time job as a nurse. I do show her appreciation for all her hard work. I just wish she put in one percent of the energy that she puts into making a nice home into making me a happy man with sex now and then.
I feel strongly that sex between a husband and wife will strengthen a relationship. It should not be with held because one does not feel desire. The act of sex itself will help to bring on a desire for each other.
Please do not be like the Japanese women that has been discussed on this site in that they with hold sex. We do not want to become what we hate.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1083726/Its-epidemic-hard-working-couples–sexless-marriage-survive.html
without it the clock is ticking
but I am stuck in a sexless marrage ,the bed is the dullest place in the room.
http://www.theage.com.au/news/World/A-nation-where-marriage-beds-have-gone-cold/2005/02/04/1107476799599.html
mabey genetic modifing italian women with japanese or vis versa could save japan.
its a bit desperate but mabey it works
@Samuel
Japan is a lost cause. If Asian is what you like look at other Asian countries like the Philippines, Korea or some other Asian nation.
Speaking of which I see a lot of men extremely happy with their Filipino wives. I know a few Filipino women myself and even as a friend they are more mature, honest, open and up front about their feelings and themselves. I doubt very seriously if I will ever marry again but my next mate will likely be Filipino.
I’ve been married to a Japanese wife for over a year now and I must say that sex is great, actually better and better. I am extremely happy in all respects in my marriage and I have a few friends (foreign guys) who seem to be equally satisfied even with having children here in Japan, so I guess that it all depends if you can make a right pick… or just pure luck? 😉
Although I agree with many of the above stated complaints about the lack of intimacy in contemporary Japanese culture, if you look a bit in the history (just look at the travel books of foreigners coming to Japan in Meiji or Taisho), you might find much more promising patterns of behavior, as opposed to the current mainstream image of rigid and “sexless” corporate culture, which indeed might be the root of many sex-ridden problems, and not only in Japan…
Even in the countryside today, people live very different lives, often more pationate and relaxed than people in big-cities… I personally know farmer couple (in their 40s) with three kids, who are still in love and banging, so I wouldn’t despair over Japan quite yet 🙂
Inaka,
We are all very happy for you.
I am guessing that:
1) You are a Japanese man, so your drive/desires are probably more suited to a Japanese wife. If you’ve been married for over year to your Japanese wife, I’m guessing you’re basing the comment that it’s “better and better” on the three or four times you’ve done the “horizontal mambo”. Omedetto Gozaimasu!
2) You are a Japanese woman, trying to convince some prospective future victim that Japanese women are not all sexless and passionless creatures (note to future victim: THEY ARE! RUN!)
Inaka:
My Japanese wife is from the countryside in Nagano. She is sexless. It most likely does not matter if a Japanese women is from the inner city or from the farm. She will not have a desire for sex. You may have found an exception. Great for you. However: nobody should take the chance because the odds are just too great against finding a loving Japanese Women.
In addition please do not have a child with your wife. That will be the end of any horizontal mambo.
Timmy
Interesting, I doubt if Inaka will listen to the advise here, I just hope some rational thinking person who reads these posts will….
Inaka is a Japanese name but his writing style is not Japanese English, not that it would be broken or anything but the choice of words are not that of someone who is native Japanese.
Anyways, my wife is from the the country-side Fukuoka, although not exactly sexless she is certainly not one who enjoys sex. Neither are the many Japanese women I have come to know….including my recent Internet interest.
However, no doubt there are some women in Japan as well as men who truly do know how to have a “normal” relationship/marriage, or should I say a relationship that celebrates all of the normal human needs. But they are the exception and not the rule, even they will likely confess to that truth.
I’m gaijin (not Japanese woman spy :-), I chose the nick “Inaka” just because I like countryside.
I have been living in Japan for five years, and have had few relationships here. Although I am fortunate not to have experienced sexless-related difficulties (yet), I have a deep sympathy with all the guys and girls, who do, because I also sense there is something inherently wrong with the current (mainstream) mode of Japanese relationships, communication, affection, love… etc.
However, I tend to ascribe at least some portion of the problems to the modern-urban-corporate life, which in my opinion stifles relationships and drains sexual drive… Where there is lack of freedom and spontaneity, boredom and frustration sets in. Of course, I might be wrong, I am no expert. But as I said earlier, I know some happily married people in the countryside, who are enjoying good sex life. Maybe the case of my farm friends (and my case) are not representative, but I just thought to share my thoughts with you…
Consider that the grandparent generation often used to have around 9 children per family (I know one who had 15), parent generation around 3 children per family, and now it’s almost 1 per family… It seems that older Japanese did get some sex within marriage. Maybe fresh air, high quality food, and regular exercise would do the trick? 🙂
But maybe I am off the track.
The case of foreign guys who suffer in sexless marriage, while their wives enjoy plenty of leisure and affection, IS indeed tragic, I admit… I talked about it with my wife, and she knows some nearly sexless Japanese couples , and she sometimes jokes that we do it “too often”… but in the end it just feels great, sl there is nothing really to ponder about…
Equally puzzling are the numerous cases of Japanese men, who are reluctant to even have a girlfriend… I know many Japanese girls who complain that Japanese guys are too passive, and one really cute Japanese woman is engaging in omiai for nearly a year, where the guys don’t even bother to go out with her… what a waste of pretty girl, I often think to myself…
Before I found my wife, I had been rejected many many times, and I used to sense some peculiar form of bitchiness from some of my previous girlfriends, so before I got married last year, I had been diligently reading the comments here, as well as doing my own research into Japanese psyche in order to minimize the risk of potentially tragic mistake. So far so good, even better and better, I must say, but after we manage to have children (maybe in year or two) I will keep you posted about the changes.
In the meantime I wish all of you clear head, open eyes and good luck! Keep writing because this topic doesn’t get boring. The more opinions, and shared experiences, the better.
I find Japanese (and Asian in general) women very attractive and sexy. I was in a 20 year (3 kids) sexless marriage and now I want the opposite. My American wife lost focus yet I would have kept going for the sake of the kids. if you read Autocentricus’s post (feb 26, 2007) you gotta laugh. So many dark comments yet some good points. I would qualify as “pussy whipped” in his eyes but there is so much more to life than just what I want or think I deserve. Now I have a Chinese girlfriend. We are older (50 and 57) but are having some really good sex that is getting better all the time. She is well educated (PHD) and a banana (google it) in a lot of ways. She is vey giving and the best thing we have is that strong physical connection. We truly like each other and our time together is never long enough. This is my advice: At some point as you date, you may be lucky enough to find that physical magic. The first time it happened to me I didn’t realize how important it was and I lost a golden opportunity. This time I take it much more seriously. If you find that in a woman (whatever ethnicity) I suggest you stop looking there. Ignore all the negative BS posted about women and men. Relationships are as diverse as the weather and no one has an accurate forecast. Japanese, Chinese, American, African — plenty of great girls all over the world.
Being in a Sexual Relationship with a married woman of any race is not nearly the same as being married to that woman.
Being in your 50’s you and your Banana are doing nothing more than trying to make up for lost time and trying to get what is missing from home. I would bet that your Banana is sexless at home.
Here’s an update for anyone interested. Japanese wife and I went to visit an American therapist for counseling. Not only sex issues but other communication issues etc. Anyway, my wife explained that she spoke to 3 of her Japanese friends (in USA, 40s ages) and one didn’t have sex for 8 years, one didn’t have sex in 4 years, and one didn’t have it in 2 years. She didn’t even tell me this by the way. She also explained that after children she is no longer interested in sex, and has never masturbated.
The therapist told her this is not normal, and said once a week would be fine, if not more often. Among other things, she told her to get more comfortable with her own body, use a mirror, masturbate, read a book about sexuality.
I have no idea how this is going to play out, but I find it fascinating.
My wife has said similar things about some of her Japanese friends here in America who are also married to Westerners. She didn’t say exactly how long, but said that they have happy marriages even though their sex lives had died down. In 3 of the 4 cases she mentioned, I know the husbands well enough to know that that is not true. I don’t mean that the husbands are completely unhappy in every way, but all 3 of them have said things ether directly or indirectly that make it very clear that they are not satisfied in their relationships with their wives. One guy, who hasn’t even slept in the same bed as his wife since their last child was born over 10 years ago, regularly visits strip clubs and takes occasional trips to Thailand (without his wife, of course). Since my wife & I have even talked about him doing that, I was flabbergasted that she would cite he & his wife as an example of a happy, healthy marriage!
Have those wives been lying to each other when they portray their marriages as happy? In some ways, they could be, but I don’t necessarily think so. It could be a matter either of self-decpetion, or it could be the idea that of how one portrays such matters to others — the idea of always presenting a public “face” that is positive. Many or at least some Westerners would label the latter as “lying”, though just about everyone from every culture does that to some degree or another, Japanese culture is well known for placing an extraordinarily high value on that –so much so, that many (though certainly not all) Japanese would present such a “face” even with their closest friends.
In any case, things are going better with us — which is, of course, a relative statement!
Great posts from Doug and Kakui. Doug how did you get your wife to agree to the counseling? Good on you! It sounds very promising and hopefully your wife will have a breakthrough. Over the past year I’ve gotten a new perspective. Wife is often stressed from the daily routine (2 kids), but things tend to work when I chill and don’t pressure her. Have some wine, medical THC, whatever. If I end my evening relaxed and thinking maybe I’ll coax her into a session – but if not no biggie – then I sleep well either way.
This doesn’t work for everyone, and my situation isn’t as bad as many of you guys. Once a week has been happening recently (knock wood), but it’s not consistent.
This sounds bizarre, but my wife who is in pre-menopausal has been receiving injections of human placenta recently. Gives her energy to get through the week -cooking, cleaning chauffering, volunteering, and if duty calls having sex with me. A nice side effect of the placenta is it makes her slightly hornier and wetter. Apparently placenta is quite a fad in Japan, but there’s almost no info in English about it. Sounds safe enough, albeit weird. We live in San Francisco and there’s a Japanese doctor who offers this treatment. It’s not cheap but it’s worth it, so you gents living in Japan should look into it.
Dude
If your counselor is a Gaijin I hope [but highly doubt] they understand that getting your wife to increase her desire for sex will take more than just a change of heart on her part. It will be more like making her to some degree less Japanese. The Japanese are a single minded people when it comes to cultural norms. Getting a Japanese person to adopt Gaijin ways is not as easy as it sounds. It would help if the couple did not live in Japan and if she had friends who were more like what the Counselor and husband suggest she be like.
Either way good luck with that!!!
@kakui
For sure his wife knows about both [Thailand and the strip clubs] and she is not so naive not to know the purpose of both. This is an example of “normal” in Japanese culture. Normal is the man goes elsewhere to satisfy his wild yearnings for sex and when he comes home the wife knows “she” [even without sex] is the winner. Love Hotels, brothels, and “health clubs” are popular in Japan for a reason. The cultural minds and mentality are set up for this type of relationship as being normal. Wives don’t ask, husbands don’t tell, but when they come home all is normal…this is a happy Japanese home for many Japanese women.
It crossed my mind today that J-women might thing a man weak, stupid, lacking self esteem or just not attractive to women if he does not have sex outside of marriage. I mean everyone knows that as long as quiet is kept J-men have the green light to relieve themselves outside the home. It seems that men who don’t want to go that route or have issues with outside sex are the ones complaining.
I am sure every man that comes to the site can attest to the truth that when a woman sees other women wanting her man she seems to cling to him more and finds him more attractive/desirable. No doubt a little of this plays into the equation.
Also unlike American woman, the J-mistress has no desire to ‘take-away’ any females man. J-mistresses know their role in the equation, they don’t try to steal men, break up marriages or rock the boat. In fact if a man did leave his wife for his J-mistress she would turn him away most times. An American mistress on the other hand is completely opposite, she will cause all kinds of problems, steal a womans man just to show she can if nothing else.
“how did you get your wife to agree to the counseling?”
Great question. About a year ago I asked her about that and she said if I research whether it was covered by health insurance then she’d go. So last week I found out it’s covered and asked over dinner alone whether she would go. This was followed by dead silence and completely ignoring my questions. After I asked her for the 15th time, she completely blew up at me and told me there’s nothing wrong with her and blamed me for everything and anything.
Then we got home from dinner and after a few hours she said she’d go.
I researched a counselor who is both a marriage counselor and sex therapist because I wanted someone sex-positive yet still be a regular marriage counselor. That was probably the smartest thing I’ve done based on what happened.
The therapist basically brought up issues even I didn’t make a big deal out of, because of not expecting much and being used to it:
-making noises during sex. The therapist made that a big deal and told her that she was depriving me of getting enjoyment, as well as depriving herself.
-receiving oral sex. Same thing.
I think other therapists might have agreed with my wife by saying that since she was in her 40s and not interested, I’d have to get used to that. But this therapist totally went to bat for me surprisingly. I was sitting there listening and couldn’t believe it. Finally someone who saw and agreed with what I was going through. Not that there weren’t things I had to deal with, like less working at home etc.
Anyway, latest update is that we had sex twice in past week, and I manually stimulated her to orgasm which took way longer than I thought, but at least she didn’t complain about being too tired etc. Went well. But she still won’t masturbate or touch herself. She says she will before the next visit, but I don’t believe her really. She clearly has issues with her own body, and is overly concerned about cleanliness to a ridiculous degree.
She also hasn’t initiated yet, but did make noises during sex. So overall good progress, but I still am unsure whether this will really be a break-through.
All of you guys need to get Athol Kay’s book Married Man Sex Life Primer right now. Seriously. While I know that cultural differences play a part in these troubled marriages, I think the fundamental problem is biological – a lot of the guys who have posted in this thread come across as passive, beta male wimps who can’t get their wives attracted to them because they’re doing it wrong. Supplicative behavior isn’t sexy, it’s pathetic. Japanese women don’t dislike sex, they don’t realize they DO like it because there are so few men (Japanese and foreigner alike) who behave in the way that most women are biologically programmed to find attractive. In short, Japan suffers from a shortage of the “bad boy” and “asshole” traits that subconsciously drive the ladies wild.
Go read that book and dig into the relationship side of Game theory – read stuff like Roissy’s blog for more solid advice (though the pickup related stuff is not as helpful.) I am amazed nobody else in this thread has said anything (as far as I’ve seen) about game theory, because it’s basically the answer to a lot of problems here.
I hear you, Doug. What is it about Japanese women and their obsession for cleanliness?!?
I once dated a girl who refused to have a sex unless it was immediately after both of us had a shower.
Needless to say she would use this as a way of avoiding it when she wasn’t in the mood with “No, sorry – haven’t had a shower” and “great, let’s get in the shower together” didn’t make any sense to her. The strange thing is that it was more than just a convenient excuse, to her it not only “made sense” it was a way of life.
Can anyone please explain this to me?
Way to go Doug. My wife has also never masturbated, and while I’d love to see her touch herself I’ve given up asking. My highest priority has been to ejaculate in her mouth, but she absolutely refuses. I wasn’t even allowed to ejaculate in her vagina until we installed a Toto Washlet (previously had to put on a condom prior to unloading). So I get the cleanliness hangup.
Anyway, if I were you I’d praise your wife for the progress she’s making, be patient, and let her take baby steps. You still sound somewhat stressed about the situation, but man….twice in one week with sound effects is nothing to complain about!
Another update, it’s going pretty good, sex a few more times with some moaning. She’s telling me more specifically what to do to get her off. And amazingly she even got a Brazilian wax after I mentioned a bikini wax to her.
We’ll see if this lasts, but I’m encouraging her, not negative, and we’re both being more communicative in general.
Looks like a lot of people have issues with the cleanliness hangups. Quite similar I have to say, but she’s relaxed more now.
I wonder what the problem is with masturbation in Japan. I had assumed it would not be a big deal there, but apparently that’s not the case. Anyone know why?
Hi there long time reader, first time poster.(After yet another sexless night of turned back and snoring)
A little about me, I’m in my early 30’s with three kids and have being living here in Japan for almost 10 years.
My marriage is fine, but as others have said, more like living with my sister.
Since my wife found out she was pregnant with our third baby, there has been no sex whatsoever in almost two years.
Now I like to think of myself as a patient guy, but there is only so many times you you “yank your chain” solo style without going dolally.
I am even becoming bored of porn online! It just feels so lonesome.
I am extremely fit and am thinking of trying out for a triathlon next year, don’t have any vices, pull my weight. Look after the kids more than my wife ever does, shopping, cooking, cleaning (I am actually more like a wife than she is!)
But now I am getting incredibly frustrated!
No hugs, kissing, and certainly no sex. Even once a month would be almost bearable, but no!
Why only last year a lady friend of mine (married with kids) came on to me and admitted right there in front of me, that “Why don’t we just do it”. If I wanted to I go go around to this woman’s house and screw her anytime, and she has made this quite clear that it is what she wants (Constant emails, phone calls etc…) it or not, after refusing this offer
, I told my wife what had happened and expecting her to be jealous, it made absolutely no difference whatsoever.
I had these visions that she would be more clingy to me, but no….. I even told her that this woman was the third woman to come on to me since I have been here, and she didn’t give a hoot.
She said that I wouldn’t do anything because we have kids together, and she knows how much I love and adore them. And besides If I did anything then she would probably divorce me.
So there you have it. I am in the prime of my life with three wonderful kids and a wife who has given me ZERO affection in almost two years.
Is this really it? Am I doomed to have a sexless life forever?
Listen to those of us in the know people, if you are in a relationship with a Japanese, sex will be awesome, until kids come along (no bad thing at all, I love my kids more than anything) but after that, kiss your love life away, and prepare to become bitter and twisted.
Hi there long time reader, first time poster.(After yet another sexless night of turned back and snoring)
A little about me, I’m in my early 30’s with three kids and have being living here in Japan for almost 10 years.
My marriage is fine, but as others have said, more like living with my sister.
Since my wife found out she was pregnant with our third baby, there has been no sex whatsoever in almost two years.
Now I like to think of myself as a patient guy, but there is only so many times you you “yank your chain” solo style without going dolally.
I am even becoming bored of porn online! It just feels so lonesome.
I am extremely fit and am thinking of trying out for a triathlon next year, don’t have any vices, pull my weight. Look after the kids more than my wife ever does, shopping, cooking, cleaning (I am actually more like a wife than she is!)
But now I am getting incredibly frustrated!
No hugs, kissing, and certainly no sex. Even once a month would be almost bearable, but no!
Why only last year a lady friend of mine (married with kids) came on to me and admitted right there in front of me, that “Why don’t we just do it”. If I wanted to I go go around to this woman’s house and screw her anytime, and she has made this quite clear that it is what she wants (Constant emails, phone calls etc…) and after refusing this offer, I told my wife what had happened and expecting her to be jealous,But believe it or not, it made absolutely no difference whatsoever.
I had these visions that she would be more clingy to me, but no….. I even told her that this woman was the third woman to come on to me since I have been here and married (which is true), and she didn’t give a hoot.
She said that I wouldn’t do anything because we have kids together, and she knows how much I love and adore them. And besides If I did anything then she would probably divorce me.
So there you have it. I am in the prime of my life with three wonderful kids and a wife who has given me ZERO affection in almost two years.
Is this really it? Am I doomed to have a sexless life forever?
Listen to those of us in the know people, if you are in a relationship with a Japanese, sex will be awesome, until kids come along (no bad thing at all, I love my kids more than anything) but after that, kiss your love life away, and prepare to become bitter and twisted.
Anyone else here notice a reoccurring theme?
The more people a J-female has in her life to provide [Love, affection, security, comfort, etc] the less she confides in her husband or mate for those things. Until ultimately the husband or mate is nothing more than a useless co-habitant in the home.
Men with J-women that are newly married with no children or few children and the husband is the only other person she has will likely be happy.
Men with J-women that have family, friends, older children or other people in her life besides her husband will likely be miserable.
Want to be happy with a J-women, be the only person she has to depend on…
@Coconut – you have summarised the situation perfectly. We have a daughter and my wife’s work it seems is to micro manage the kids life to the Nth degree. Thus keeping her totally occupied.
In the end, I went out and got a girlfriend and one night got into an argument with the wife because I was home really late and ended up just telling her what was going on. She was totally shocked – she really had no idea, not an inkling. After that she became very attentive, initiating sex most nights to prove that she could hold onto me.
We moved back to Japan and the sex has slowly petered out. Now it’s once every 6~8 weeks and it’s usually initiated by her (control issue). I have given up trying to get anything going any other time because she just avoids me at bedtime – showers as late as possible, comes to bed really late (1~2am) and as I’m working the next day I’m asleep by then. That once a month is a duty shag nothing more, so if I do stray again she can turn round and say “well, I do give you sex” (albeit infrequently).
I am actively seeking a gf again let me tell you. But being very careful this time. There is a woman but my wife is so vigilant that I can’t get the time I need to develop this. I’m in my mid-forties and still have life in me yet!
Personally I would never tell my wife if I had a gf on the side. Better to leave things as they are with her being celibate and me getting some occasional sex on the side. I would try to keep things as normal as possible at home, no phone calls, no being out late etc.
Until the time was right “for me” to leave. Even then she would not know…no need for unnecessary drama.
As well as I recall when I first posted here my sex life was okay with my wife, now, however things are much different: now we sleep in separate bed rooms and I am not sure when we had sex last. She will make a sarcastic comment about us not having sex but when I reach out to her for sex she pushes me away. In fact, she pushes me away constantly … Actually I prefer sleeping separately as I get a better night’s sleep and honestly do I really miss the sex … maybe not. I am in my 40’s and we have been together 16 years … I think she misses her family in Japan and is not satisfied with our situation here. Yet when I mention the possibility of us going back to Japan she says she isn’t taking me back … from time to time she has mentioned leaving me when our daughter graduates high school in a few years … used to bother me when she talked liked that but now I really care fuck all … I don’t want to split up but if we do what does that mean for me? Freedom. A younger woman. A non-Japanese woman I have more in common with.
Interesting Kayu
Just 2 years ago [reading back] you seemed to be in a pretty good relationship complete with sex….now a 180 after almost 2 decades of marriage.
All I can say is:
I have been where you are both then and now
I understand completely your dreams of the future
Better to be a Japanese womans lover than her mate.
@Kayumochi – hey, been a while. Apart from the obvious I hope you’re well
It’s funny, this thread gets more traffic around the holidays. I guess we’re not working so much and get to think about our sex lives, eh?
A younger non-Japanese woman… maybe I’ll head off to the Philippines.
I’m a lot more savvy re J women. (that took 2 marriages!!). Even J GFs I’ve had I just know what they’d be like after marriage.
Probably the last thing I should be reading one month before our ceremony, but it’s still on my mailing list and still interesting. Maybe instructive, it just seems — wow — like the original title: Really? I’m sure for everyone writing, the answer is, yes kiddo, Really.
Sex has been great, still is, even a year into our legal wedding. Finally doing the proper ceremony with my side of the family and friends in the States. Well, proper, it’s what we can afford. It’s not all that Cinderella stuff, just not gonna happen. Can’t afford it, and really, come on, look how many people go way into debt for a fancy ceremony — my thinking on that is if you got the money for it, great have fun, if you don’t, it shouldn’t matter.
So yeah, about sex, well we just have one agreement, which is that when it’s “that time of the month” then we don’t do it for that week. Ok! Fine, I understand it’s not enjoyable, like how I wouldn’t want to do it if I had the flu or a stomach bug, totally okay. I’m not that selfish and it’s otherwise awesome.
That’s been a year steady plus a few years before that, and I think, well really does it even have to be every night? Even for me, that’s a bit intense, kinda takes the thing out of things. What I found is good is really doing things she enjoys. That’s a lot more gentle, not in a rush, and she’s able to come most of the time. Can’t fake that stuff either, there’s a sense that’s involuntary and I can tell she enjoys it. Either that or she really should have had a career in acting!
So what’s on my mind is family issues. Yeah, I know, everyone says, you just wait, just you wait happy idiot, you have a kiddo and it’s all gonna change. If that’s so, we’ll figure it out. I still want to have a child too.
What is really on my mind is us getting the hell out of Japan. Sick of it. Exhausted. Quit drinking because it’s all so banal and I don’t give a damn anymore. What I want to do is the work that is self-actualizing, which I am not doing here, off in the countryside, in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by the aging and the dying.
I’ve made that clear, and she said how about in 10 years? I said, no, I mean — I was really on the edge of feeling suicidal to be honest, I felt trapped and in a way still feel I’m treading water. So I said, more like 2 years, need to get back in the real world, a place like NYC for example. Not some one-star town in a minor prefecture. Imagine an empty cornfield town where everyone is alcoholic (including me) except, bonus, it’s Japan and you can’t move because you now own a family business below your apartment. Trapped is the key word.
We vaguely settled on 3 years but need to make a clear plan. I need for us to set dates, set checkpoints of how we’re getting from here to there, and keep hitting them so we’re moving in the right direction.
Which brings me back to, well, my own parents in the States have told me frankly that after years of marriage “you get used to each other’s bodies, there aren’t any surprises anymore.” So yeah, I think mellowing out with sex after years of marriage is fairly common — haven’t we all heard of that before? I still think it’s an important part of everything, but come on, really, even after 10, 20, 30 years, it’s still going to be hands-and-knees going nuts with it two, three times in a night, in a morning, randomly whatever in the afternoon on a day off? I don’t think any of the families I grew up with were doing that.
I think it’s gonna be, provided we can keep the stress levels fairly low for both of us, when the kids are away or asleep, that’s our private time and that can be part of it. And it’s not gonna be every night, but it is still something we do, it’s part of the love.
My .02
@Flying,
Two things I can say with certainty: 1) You don’t want to be one of those sad gaijin males who say “At my age what could I do if I went back home” and 2) You don’t want to be one of those gaijin males who say “We are going back to my country one day but we haven’t decided exactly when yet.”
I was #2 for years. #1 was my motivation to get the hell out. There are only so many years a man has to do that thing he REALLY wants to do and unless you desire to be a professional gaijin in the hinterlands of Japan then work on your exit strategy.
Not that I wouldn’t consider returning to Japan one day but if I do it will be on my terms AFTER I have satisfied myself here.
I have lived and studied culture in Japan. In the west, people are more ‘casual’ about sexual encounters- focused on having a ‘good time’ and just going for the whole experience of it. To the point of boasting and celebrating our encounters- like a trophy to be put on display.
In the east, women are raised to be like ‘women’ and aren’t expected to have their own sexual desires. No one (there) likes a loose, insatiable nymphomaniac. If a guy knows that a girl has been around the block, he won’t take any serious interest in her. That’s why the women have to pretend like every time is their first time.
Especially during marriage, women are expected to be pleasure receptacles for the husband who has been overcome with lust. They can’t show any interest in sex or initiate it, it’s pretty much a turn off for the guy, who wants to be in a dominating position. And polygamy used to be legal in Japan, so that pretty much gives you an idea of what perception of sex is like there. A woman’s sexual needs are invisible. That’s why you see women crying and whining in Japanese porn- even if they like it or don’t feel a thing. They’re not in pain or displeasure, but pretending that they are, resisting, terrified, so overcome with sensation, that they have no choice but to cry and scream (compare with screaming or moaning over here). I’ll be honest, guys there really do get off on the idea of ‘raping’ or ‘ravaging’ a woman, even if it is totally consensual- women will often say “no” even though they mean “go ahead” but they want to make the guy think he is in control.
That is half the reason for the low sex in Japan. Because the guy has to initiate it. The other half is about why the guy has little interest in sex.
A guy is a guy, anywhere in the world. They all have sex in the back of their mind. Some have it more locked up more than others. Part of Japanese culture is about depersonalization… It stems from the Shinto/Buddhism religion there. Focusing less on the personal desires and more about what function or role you would fulfill in society. The Japanese are adamant about pursuing careers, even if their sex lives have to take a dive. But sex is still on their minds- which is why they have all sorts of ‘wonderful’ creative outlets for their sexual energy- mainly in porn. And I don’t need to go on explaining the colorful rainbow of Japanese porn… They can be content with masturbating and not go on a hunt for ‘getting laid,’ as we do here in the west.
Japan undoubtedly has a colorful sex culture, which ironically stems from their inherent perceptions about sex. It’s definitely not ‘relaxed’ there, but it is rather heightened; sex is only worth it if it is thrilling and exciting. Things are sexualized there too, (especially children) but not in the obscene way it is done over here, but more through fascination and infatuation. Yet they seem to be fine with nudity over there- over here, we are all up in arms about it.
I know that was a lot to read, but that stems from my observations. To sum it up; Japanese people are quiet and disciplined about sexual matters and desires, because of their culture. Men are the ones who have the sexual desire, and women have to be the ones ready to take it. But nowadays, they can’t even seem to afford having such desires and attachments, and seek pleasure from fantasies.
Personally, I have not had sex in Japan, but I have been approached by many men and there was this one guy in his 30’s who was ‘happily’ married but always flirted with me and made advances on me. I also had a Japanese boyfriend, but it was a year before the topic of sex came up (and I had to bring it up!) but we never went through with it. He was one of those REALLY shy, artistic, emotional, submissive, introvert types… We broke up because things didn’t work out- but we remain good friends.
So there you have it… Maybe we just see Japan as “Sexless” just as they can see us as “Obscene” there is no standard of comparison here, everything is relative.
Maya:
You Wrote
“Japanese people are quiet and disciplined about sexual matters and desires, because of their culture. Men are the ones who have the sexual desire, and women have to be the ones ready to take it. But nowadays, they can’t even seem to afford having such desires and attachments, and seek pleasure from fantasies.”
This is not my experience with my Japanese wife when she was young. She did have a desire for sex before we had kids. In addition when I lived in Japan I did have a couple of Japanese women coming on to me for sex. I turned them down because I was young and newly married. When I moved back to the USA we soon had two children, and at that point my wife no longer wanted sex. A Japanese flight attendant took an interest in me and we had an affair. She is the one that initiated the sex most of the time. She was very good in bed and totally got into it. I know I would have gone soft if she did the crying thing.
Now a days things may be different with the younger Japanese women. I am over 50 so things may have changed. If they have maybe the solution is to go for Japanese women over 50 without kids. Most Japanese ladies at that age still look nice and there will not be a problem with a kid stealing the attention down the road.
Timmy
I am also at the point of breaking down.
I also live in a middle of nowhere, everyone is an alcoholic rice farmer, no name town in a quiet prefecture, and depression is getting to me of late.
It is hard when you have lots of acquaintances and no real friends out here.
Sure I am best buddies with my kids and love them to death but my wife fails to understand, the need for even the smallest bit of affection.
I don’t even think I have ever heard her tell me the words “I love you”!
When I tell her so, she just smiles and says unconvincingly “Me too”!
Out of interest, does anyones wife ever tell you this…anybody? Seriously!
I am only in my early 30’s and super fit and yet, I feel like this is the end of the line for the love express.
I just don’t understand what I am doing wrong.
My J-wife tells me “I love you” (in various languages) all the time, so I feel lucky after reading all of the above…
i am in a sexless marriage ,bed is real dull, we need help.
I am reading a book called “The Savage Wars of Peace – England, Japan and the Malthusian Trap” by Alan Macfarlane, and today I read a chapter Fertility, Marriage and Sexual Relations, parts of which I would like to share with you. There are some interesting observations.
[start of quote]
…
Dr Emiko Namihira informs me that there is a Japanese phrase which can be translated as ‘divorce within marriage.’ There are grounds for believing that there were strong pressures within the traditional Japanese family which controlled the occurrence of sex within marriage. One of these concerned an apparently strong taboo against older women having children or perhaps even sex. In a novel we are told that ‘We Japanese have always considered it disgraceful for a couple in their forties to have a child.’ [Ariyoshi, The Twilight Years, 135.] This attitude is suggested by the memories of a woman who recalled the tragic death of her mistress after a failed abortion. ‘She must have been about fort-one at the time. In those days it was considered a great disgrace to have a baby after the age of forty – they were usually either aborted or killed at birth. A middle-aged woman only had to look tired or slack off from work and tongues would start wagging.’ When a middle-aged woman became pregnant, her mother-in-law, ‘used to come along almost every day and bait her about it: “It’s disgusting a woman your age having a baby – you want to get rid of it just as soon as you can,” she’d say.’ [Saga, Silk and Straw, 210] Other writers suggest that part of the problem lay in the structural relations between the mother and daughter-in-law. Hanley and Yamamura cite evidence from Tosa that ‘it was not considered proper for a woman to have a child if she had a daughter-in-law bearing children.’ [Hanley and Yamamura, Economic, 265] Taeuber reports that ‘”Elderly” couples in their late thirties or early forties felt it somewhat improper to have a child, especially if there was a daughter-in-law in the house.” [Taeuber, Population of Japan, 30]
Further clues concerning sexual patterns emerge from a recent work on Japanese family planning by Samuel Coleman. He shows a set of characteristics which may be significant. ‘Japanese sexuality is still largely confined to this dichotomy of “sex for pleasure” and “sex for reproduction” … the idea of sex as “communication” is all the more alien. Japanese sex specialists have recognized this tendency to place sex in a separate dimension from interpersonal relationships.’ [Coleman, Family Planning, 173]
…
‘For husbands, sexual intercourse was a duty to produce offspring, summarized in the expression “obligatory fuck” (giri man).’ [Coleman, Family Planning, 175] The end of this obligation was possibly a relief for the woman as well. It might well be that, partly as a result of the grinding hard work, the considerable burden of breast-feeding, carrying children and the threat of unwanted extra children, husbands and wives stopped sleeping together when the men were in their mid-forties and women their mid-thirties. If this were so, it would explain the particularly early age at which the last childbirth occurred.
…
[end of quote]
Perhaps many posters aren’t seeing the woods for the trees.
Out for drinks with a few mates recently, one with an Aussie-Chinese wife, one with a Spanish wife and one with a Finnish wife. All three had a child or two. All there complained that sex simply didn’t happen any more. I have at home a Japanese wife, no children, no shortage of sex but accept that once the kids come sex will be on the decline.
It’s not a nationality issue, let along a Japanese issue. It is a result of growing older, greater responsibilities in day to day life, and I suspect frequently husbands not pulling their weight with wives resultantly and resentfully stepping back from providing.
It’s somewhat sad to see so many posters (or perhaps just a small number of repeat posters) looking to blame a culture or a nation for the downsides of growing up.
So what is your response to the cultural explanations quoted above, namely that in Japan there is a “strong taboo against older women having children or perhaps even sex” ?
Or what do you say to the statistics (both governmental and conducted by Durex) that Japan has one of the highest rate of sexless marriages in the world with the least number of intercourse per year? And culture of sleeping in separate rooms, not showing affection in front of others… etc etc… ??
I think there are some valid cultural explanation for the high rate of sexlessness, though I agree that there are many other numerous factors in play. For example there is a Japanese book called “Sekkusuresu boukoku-ron” from 2009, where the author blames capitalist culture, not Japanese culture. I guess many arguments could be made, but culture is definitely one of them.
I know this whole topic revolves around sex -but- I would like to point out another issue. The issue of language and comprehension of ideas. Basic everything things might not be a problem but when it comes to more abstract thinking and expression of ideas there will be a huge problem. This often leads to missing the whole point of problems, issues or the meaning of conversations.
Example:
I took a class at a local University. My first grade on a test was very bad a “C” but much lower than I thought I should have gotten because I knew the answers. The instructor kept dodging me and it was clear that she did not want me to see my test nor meet with me. Later I had to drop the class due to other reasons. When I dropped the class I missed a few tests obviously. However I got a grade of a 63 on a test 1 week after I dropped the class. How could this be??? One I dropped the class a week earlier and most importantly I never took the test. The main idea of this whole thing was to bring into question the integrity of this instructor…..
My wife missed the whole point, the whole idea of dishonesty from an instructor seems to be beyond comprehension.
Although she has a degree herself, she seems in many other ways very child-like because of the inability to comprehend. At first I thought it might be a language [lost in translation] thing. But even in Japanese the whole idea and notion is over her head. First of all, there must be a answer to the question ‘why’, for example why did I get a 63 on a test I never took. If there is no answer as to why then in her mind its not true or she just can’t understand. Very frustrating to say the least.
Haha! This is a great thread.
I’ve only got about half way down it (it’s long!) but I have to say that I am 100% in agreement with mitaboy up there ( who posted in 2007 so I don’t know if he’s still around…)
As I began to read some of the comments I was just shaking my head in disbelief at the navel-gazing of the husbands on here. One guy even suggested ( to his wife, no less!) that BREAST IMPLANTS would liven up their sex life. HOw ignorant does a man have to be about the female anatomy?! Breast implants create a *loss* of sensation in the breast area because the nerves are cut. How on earth can *her* sex life possibly improve if she has less sensation in one of her erogenous zones? And how do you think it makes a woman feel if her husband suggests breast implants? INadequate is the answer. Unsexy. Depressed. The guy wanted the breast implants for HIMSELF, of course…
Ditto all the guys at the top of the thread who suggested dress up and shit. All lifted straight from pron.
Let me give you some advice for free. Pron is marketed and distributed by and for men. It has *Zilch* to do with female sexuality. True, some women get turned on by it but that’s a fluke, for the most part.
I’d go so far as to say that Japanese pron has the edge over western movies because it focuses a lot on cunnilingus, on making her cum, and intercourse doesn’t feature very highly. This is more in line with female sexuality, and what women want in bed.
Western pron is more about intercourse in various positions and how long a man can keep it up, which is more to do with the man’s ego than the woman’s pleasure in most cases…
Mitaboy knows what he’s talking about. Read his comments.
Failing that, extra-marital relationships should spice things up and the glow you get from that will transmit to the marriage bed and improve your sex life naturally.
My sex life is okay, husband is Japanese, two kids.. but he’s always working. WHen it happens it’s fireworks… but it just doesn’t happen often enough, I’m sorry to say. It’s a serious issue for me. I crave the attention and affection of sex. so I’m not preaching from a high horse … I’m seriously thinking of getting a toyboy; I even have a specific one in mind.
come back to say, I’ve finished the rest of the thread.
I’m 30 now, and perhaps I should get out while I can. Foreigner in Japan, though… I’m gonna lose the kids in a custody battle… I’ll have to stick it out. I like Japanese men, wouldn’t mind a lover for the time being… but if/when I divorce I am NEVER. EVER going to live with a guy or get married again. Can’t wait to taste sweet freedom again one day.
My wife missed the whole point, the whole idea of dishonesty from an instructor seems to be beyond comprehension.
Coconut:
In the same way that my wife does not understand that the radiation level in Japan is now so high that the place is basically inhabitable. She believes that the experts in Japan would warn the citizens if there was a danger. She wants to go back to visit next year. She can not comprehend that it will still not be a safe place to visit a 1000 years from now. I did show her the evidence of the danger but she just can not get it mentally. Japan is finished.
Plumblossom better get her ass out of Japan pronto. 30 years of age is just too young. Please remove your children now from Japan.
Timmy