With maid cafes where pretty young girls that ooze submissiveness to their “masters”, and “shuccho health” (出張ヘルス, basically, dial-a-prostitute) and soap-lands (sensual bathing houses with soapy special service) to vending machines for porn, and specialty shops with used high school girl underwear; Japan, at least on the surface appears one of the most sexually proactive nations in the world. Japanese men are as perverted (if not more perverted) than those in other countries, and as for the ladies, on top of being naturally feminine (with petite sexy bodies, skin that doesn’t seem to change complexion from childhood, pretty faces and silky black hair), the women of Japan have no misconceptions about what style – clothes, perfume and make up – makes a man stop in his tracks, and rouse that tingle in his loins.
When interacting with others, sex and everything surrounding it is fair game for a topic of conversation in Japan and, it is certainly not frowned upon by religious groups or society at large as it is in the USA and other countries. When it comes to secreting sexual hormones and sexuality in general, almost nothing is taboo in Japan – until that is, the day one gets married, or so it seems. Indeed in stark sexual contrast, Japan may be suffering from a sexual drought, where being totally open about sex and being sexy in general, doesn’t seem to be converted into the ins-and-outs of baby making when it comes to married couples.
Shown in these statistics, a recent survey by Japan’s health ministry found that as many as one-third of all marriages in Japan are sexless. The problem is now so widespread that the government fears it is a major contributor to the dramatic plunge in Japan’s birthrate (now only 1.28 births per woman). This sexless phenomenon is not only found in those relationships that are plunging down the drain toward divorce, but to the contrary, more and more couples that consider themselves healthily married (and have no intention of separating), have not had sex with each other in the last month or more (the common definition of “sexless” in Japan), with many saying that they have not had sex together in the last 6 months to one year.
According to the most recent survey of 41 nations last October, the average Japanese has intercourse 45 (and according to Bayer Pharmaceuticals as low as 17) times a year, compared with the global average of 103. Japan is repeatedly at the bottom of the list. Last year it trailed Singapore, which was 28 shags a year higher!
The term “sexless”, was first used in Japan in the early 1990s, but now is instantly recognizable to the Japanese as a universally understood concept, and widely discussed in the media. There are books on the subject and thousands websites and heartbreaking blogs discussing sexless Japan, while letters on the subject fill agony columns on “dear doctor”-type sites.
One in five sexless couples say they view sex simply as a nuisance. A small number cite the lack of a private space, because children or elderly parents often sleep just the other side of a paper-thin door, leading many married couples to even sleep in separate rooms. Mitsui Home announced recently in an Asahi Newspaper article, that in 30% of the new houses they build, the couples are asking for 2 “master” bedrooms. This is a shocking statistic, which shows that sexless couples want to continue living their lives together – separately! “We are sort of room-mates rather than a married couple”, one 31-year-old man, who had not had sex with his wife for two years, told the Asahi Shinbun.
There are many other theories about why the Japanese become less inclined to raunchy evenings in the sack together, but likely it is a mixture of some of these:
- Stress of work/life in Japan (maybe the taihen cloud?)
- Lack of understanding, and usage of contraception, especially “the pill” (who wants to use condoms with their wife!?), making sex with your wife viable only when you want to have a baby
- Abundance of 不倫 (furin, or extra-marital) relationships
- More and more Japanese women choosing career over family
- A tendency among Japanese married couples to feel an aversion to sex with their spouse, not because they dislike one another, but rather because they feel that they have more of a sister-brother relationship; the sanctity of which would be destroyed with a repulsive incest-like feeling, by what westerners would consider normal conjugal relations
The last point is an interesting one, as in the past, it has been traditionally Japanese women who complained that they couldn’t see their hubby “as a member of the opposite sex.” But in the last few years, there’s been an exponential increase in men who can’t view their wives as sexual partners either. While it is true that many Japanese married couples seem to be sexless in nature, they key thing to remember is that this certainly does not mean that they lack the desire for sexual fulfillment. While marriage and children may bring on a sex drought in the home, Japanese people who want (and in the case of most men, need) sex do not simply abstain from sex because they cannot see the feminine qualities in their own wife, or the sexual attraction of their hard working husband.
Japanese men love their companies; they live for work, and many don’t even think it is a problem if they don’t have sex with their wives. They have pornography and the sex industry (soap lands, cabaret bars, and dial-a-girl services, and trips to Taiwan) to take care of their needs, but their wives have nowhere to go. They just suffer in silence.. or do they? The divorce rate in Japan has nearly doubled in the past 10 years, with more women blaming their sexually inactive, as opposed to sexually errant, husbands for break-ups. Though they may not be seeking sexual pleasure from their better halves, married Japanese women are seeking intimacy from other sources (many even claim to have a sex addiction), leading double lives – being the good mother, while at the same time seeking out “Leroy” the lover, who is always lurking, and ready to fulfill her every desire.
Japan is full of temptation, and it doesn’t matter whether you are a housewife or salary-man, there is plenty of raunchy action waiting out there – if that is what you desire. Furin sites to find a (extra marital) “sex friend” partner are just as rampant in Japan as in other countries, however they are much more widely used by women in Japan to solve their sexless quandaries. For the more conservative ladies, sites like mixi.jp – which are neutrally classed as “social networking” spaces – are abound with profiles (men and women) looking for partners to secretly spruce up their sexless, but otherwise happily married lives.
Many Japanese marriages may be sexless, but this is only a statistic about the state of sex within marriage itself. In fact, there may be a good reason for the sexless condition of marriages here – Are the Japanese getting enough of the good stuff outside their marriages to keep them happy? I certainly think so.
Japanese people will never be sexless as individuals; therefore Japan is not sexless, so don’t let mere statistics confuse the situation!
(If you are married in Japan, or married to a Japanese, let us know what you think of “Sexless Japan” by leaving a comment below!)
I must have said this at least once in this thread but it keeps coming to mind: during all those years in Japan I would meet gaijiin men who returned to Japan from their home country with their Japanese wives saying that they returned to give their marriage a second chance. At the time it seemed to me that they returned just to bone another Japanese woman not their wife but now I am not so sure …
Heinrich:
My marriage has run a similar course. Before kids: conversation, mutual interests, laughing, joking, intimacy, and sex. NOW: all kid all the time, nothing i do is ever enough, constant complaining.
Kayumochi:
Count me among that group of fools. I moved here to give it one last chance, against the advice of friends and family. After all ties were severed from my country (jobs, cars, house) she put zero effort into our relationship. We are on her turf now. Japan doesn’t care about fathers’ rights and I still need my wife for legal status. For at least three years, have been hoping against all possibility that things will improve. On my most recent birthday I promised myself to stop waiting on her and just move on with life. Many Japanese seem to be living this cold war type of married life. Maybe they find it normal to switch over to a sister/brother or mother/son type of relationship after children.I cannot do this for another fifteen years.
If anyone else is thinking that moving to Japan is going to help your relationship, you are mistaken.
After we moved here, I was forced to admit to myself that she was never going to change (except possibly for the worse). Our marriage was over. I felt like someone close to me died and I went through some dark times. She really did not care. Now I hate to go home and looking at her makes me angry.
Anyway, I am rambling because this topic gets me all fired up. Its exhausting being angry about this all the time.
Leanback: get out while you can if you don’t have kids and don’t need her for legal status. I admitted my feelings to the girl I could not stop thinking about. Turned out she felt the same way. She had asked me for advice about what to do regarding her current relationship. I took that as a sign. I am glad I told her everything.
Revising a previous post I made:
It has actually been over two years since my wife and I did anything. Maybe a year ago she wanted to do something after she started talking about another child. I said No way! Also, it had been so long and there was so much resentment built up, it would have been weird.
Here too. Only few few jokes since married. Since living in Japan, NO jokes… I can do, but then I can also joking with the wall…
Last week was better though, ok. just before I also was damn serious about leaving the marriage…
I really need to ponder again the whole thing…
“Don’t marry a Japanese woman. If I had read this forum when I got married, I would have NEVER gotten married. Sadly, the Internet wasn’t really very big in 1993.”
Maybe neither I, but I never thought about searching for this topic.
“Certainly appears to validate the saying, “Friends do not let friends marry Japanese women.””
Agree. My friends let me though, but they did not know a s**” about Japan either, like me those days…
I’m now getting involved with another Japanese girl… Guess this is rather stupid, even though I honestly really like her… (maybe similar to Way_Down_South’s situation)
But leaving my Japanese wife for the other Japanese girl seems just very stupid to me, even I really would like to do it.
What can you suggest, have fun but just don’t marry/get too serious or just cut?
(In every case I can’t return home this year due to my job..)
If you are living in Japan, and get involved with ANOTHER Japanese woman, I can understand that… it’s the only game in town, really.
But I live in New York, and I have ZERO interest in Asian women after my experience with my Japanese ex-wife.
They may look “cute” on the surface, but I know that beneath that “kawaii” exterior is a dead cold fish.
As an American woman married to a Japanese man, this article is persistently relevant. My husband has very much become a roommate, a brother, a best friend– anything other than what I was taught to expect in married life.
I thought that I would be the one telling my husband to lay off from time to time, but I find myself more often at the brink of begging him to even feign interest in sex at all. Our marriage is- other than this- completely healthy, which is what baffles me the most.
What’s more, he doesn’t look for this fulfillment with other women, either. He seems disinterested in sex as a whole (aside from porn, which had practically been his girlfriend in the years before we met). When visiting Japan, I was stunned to find that his parents have separate bedrooms and wondered if we were destined (or doomed) to the same.
Unfortunately, I was the one in the relationship to stray, after over a year with no intimacy. I confessed and, while grateful for his understanding, was mostly frustrated that my husband found an extra-marital affair more easy to deal with than intimacy with his own wife.
In either case, I have decided against any future affairs and have resigned myself to accepting the state of our marriage. Upon realizing the full extent of emotional and moral compromise I had made with my own values, my husband has tried to be more attentive of my needs. It is something we are working on and I know it will never completely change, but if you plan to marry a Japanese man, do not be shocked if this becomes of your life.
I would say, if you are able to skirt by on only love and an emotional connection, your life will eventually become comfortable like this. Whereas, if you become an emotional wreck with the lack of intimacy, you should certainly reconsider.
That being said, I also know Japanese men who love to have sex. I can’t necessarily say that they love to have it with their wives, but it is possible that this may never be an issue depending on the individual.
Oh, also, to Yummy:
My husband and I are both very playful. We joke, laugh together, and go on adventures together every day. Although it seems bleak, it is possible to have a happy marriage in the absence of sex– if the couple is in tune in other ways.
I get frustrated that my husband and I are not intimate, but I wouldn’t trade time with him to be with anyone else in the world. I laugh to tears on a daily basis and I would take that over a humorless marriage any day.
(We also have 1 child, turning 3, and are able to sustain a happy lifestyle).
@Takahashi
I asked some married Japanese women about married life in Japan in a roundabout way. None of them knew my situation. They described the same problems everyone here experiences in J marriages. I think it must be almost universal with the Japanese.
Anyway, my situation is improving. I finally gave up on my marriage. Shortly after that I met someone else. My mental and physical health are improving because I stopped torturing myself about my dead marriage.
The girl I met seems to be happy with who I am. She appreciates having someone care about her needs and I appreciate someone caring about mine.
She is not Japanese, but after years of living hell, I am still paranoid about anything being an act. However, she is kind in general, not just to me. Who knows what will happen in the future. But for now, I am happy to spend whatever time I can with her. If she gets impatient with my situation (which I told her all about beforehand) then I cannot help it. But for the first time in years, I am happy to spend time with someone.
I think sex for men is like eating – it is physically impossible to live without it for extended periods of time. Without that, resentment builds up. Small problems get magnified. Sex also brings couples closer together. I always made sure my wife got her pleasure first, so that was not our issue.
I was deliberately given the Bait and Switch treatment. My wife only wanted it to procreate. After that succeeded once, she got even worse. Until she wanted another kid. No way! After years of rejection, I was angry enough to keep a little dignity.
@Way_Down_South
Wow I am very happy for you!!!
Its good to know that some of these J-marriages are dissolving and the non-Japanese are finding healthy relationships. I don’t blame you for being a little paranoid. With any luck I shall be one of the happy ones soon too.
Lets just hope no body else falls into the J-trap.
@Takahashi
It seems you got used to the Japanese marriage. Living a happy / sexless life is some trick.
My friends Japanese wife does not have any kids so she treats her dog like a child. She talks to it, sings it to bed and fusses over it day and night. He says she even gives it massages and sleeps with it sometimes.
Oh well, its a strange thing these Japanese people.
Funny thing Takahashi, my wife is a million laughs too. Its her way of compensating for the parts of her life she is lacking in…. Its also part of her fake personality to fool people “who don’t know her” into thinking she is this nice sweet perfect angel. She puts on the innocent, cute Japanese show real thick for her co-workers and they eat it up, thinking she is some perfect Asian doll.
Its more of a distraction technique than anything, driven by guilt on her part. She smiles and tries to joke around to keep my mind off how messed up she is while she hopes the inevitable doesn’t happen. I can not help but to look at her in disgust as I bide my time, I laugh and joke the best I can but I will be glad when this hellish charade is over.
@Coconut
I know what you mean about the charade. Because I work so much, I am getting my own place close to work soon. I will stay there a few nights a week. We live too far from where I work and she will not move. I said I cannot commute this much every day. For me, this is the beginning of the separation process. My wife can tell I am done waiting for these bad years to end. I have to keep her civil because of our child, though.
i am in love my husband so much but im marriage 5 yrs now,but i want to be a good wife and good mother to my son, but my husband not give me a money allowanced with my self,but its ok for me he not give me,but about couple problem about sex he cannot give me,he always busy for work it mean no time for sex,if my husband he like sex,he touch me but he cum her self she dont thinking with me.im marriage 5 yrs but i cannot experienced long sex and many sex .
but sometimes im thinking my self to find lover,but i want lover to understand my situation and he give me a allowanced,but i think i cannot find the man to understand my situation.
know im not ugly woman,i have beauty and many tell me ,im beautiful and sexy,i have this but my problem im so loyal to my husband,i think because im catolic or because my thinking is not same in japanese because im a philippine woman.
Mary:
Being in a foreign land with a spouse whose culture is different can be difficult. I know because I have I too have had that experience. It can also be quite interesting and exciting. The only thing that I think we both find is boring is the sex because our spouse is Japanese.
My brother is married to a women from the Philippines. I would make a trade with him any day.
Here is an article about Japanese men that are now homeless in the Philippines.
http://mdn.mainichi.jp/arts/archive/news/2011/12/20111211p2a00m0na007000c.html
An article about a Japanese man in the Philippines who has it worse than all of us.
http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/nation/regions/12/10/10/homeless-japanese-negros-seeks-help-return-japan
@WDS
I thought about getting another place like an Apartment or something. But I think in my case just picking up and leaving the state or country is really the best thing. She is a manipulative drama queen so I have to protect myself in the process. In the back of her mind she knows its coming, but she is still going to flip when it does. The closer the day gets the harder it becomes to fake my way through each day, so I just have to keep my mind off of it and stay on track.
I await my freedom like nothing else I can imagine. No more Japanese for this man.
unless Japan stops screwing around marriage will get worse here.
The silent treatment began on January 2 and ended on March 25. Now she is merely a bitch. Things are looking up.
@Takahashi
“Unfortunately, I was the one in the relationship to stray, after over a year with no intimacy. I confessed and, while grateful for his understanding, was mostly frustrated that my husband found an extra-marital affair easier to deal with than intimacy with his own wife.”
Made a similar observation the other way around which means Japanese female, western male. But what do you think is the reason for this behavior? To say it exaggerated, it looks like they don’t care what you do?
About this whole joke thing, for my part I strongly agree with Coconut’s point:
“It’s more of a distraction technique than anything, driven by guilt on her part. She smiles and tries to joke around to keep my mind off how messed up she is while she hopes the inevitable doesn’t happen. I cannot help but to look at her in disgust as I bide my time, I laugh and joke the best I can but I will be glad when this hellish charade is over.”
Several observations I made with Japanese girls were quite similar to that actually.
But when I’m looking precisely to the joking behavior, I really doubt if there is any kind of true emotional connection at all.
In my opinion, you can only be satisfied in a Japanese marriage when you don’t care that much about having a deep emotional relation with your Japanese partner. That’s what I’ve been told by maybe three different Japanese girls… I hope this is heavily biased though, so I dare for other insights!
As soon as you are married the sex drops and you can openly feel how empty the whole relationship is and honestly was from the beginning on, but my relationship was long years covered by sexual encounters, which distracted me from looking at the things how they actually were…
And getting another apartment: It is definitely worth, I did that too from time to time recently (3-4 days on average) and it was really nice to get some freedom back and it actually helped that she seemed to be more interested in me (even though I doubt if this is true interest, she just sees that it is necessary to put more effort in keeping me on track)
@Coconut
“In the back of her mind she knows its coming, but she is still going to flip when it does. The closer the day gets the harder it becomes to fake my way through each day, so I just have to keep my mind off of it and stay on track.”
– I can tell my wife knows its coming, too. She is very suspicious of me being so eager to get a visa that doesn’t depend on her continued support. She expected me to divorce her back in my country. I cannot wait to get PR or citizenship. I am so tired of this emotionless, sexless marriage.
@leanBack
“In my opinion, you can only be satisfied in a Japanese marriage when you don’t care that much about having a deep emotional relation with your Japanese partner. That’s what I’ve been told by maybe three different Japanese girls… I hope this is heavily biased though, so I dare for other insights!”
-I heard this exact same thing from other Japanese women. Marriage for Japanese seems to be about convenience and children. After the wedding, it really has nothing to do with emotion. It took moving to Japan to force me to admit to myself that things will never get better.
-Getting an apartment was helpful for me. Not only is it cheaper than love hotels, but I know I can go there any time. Having that oasis of peace helps me bear my wife’s bitching. I know when i go to my apartment, I will NOT hear “Nan de nantoka shita/shinai?” or “Nantoka suru beki!” I hear versions of those so often I want to scream. Her constant effort to transform our dead marriage into a mother/son relationship makes me hate her.
I cannot wait for this to be over. I dread the “I’m done. Goodbye.” conversation because I cannot guess how she act when it comes to our child. I hope she will realize its best that they have access to both parents, but I am not optimistic.
The worries I have are: being able to see my child without her present, getting a non-spousal visa, and how we will split up the money. I will not be held hostage for the rest of my life.
@Way_Down_South
I don’t know what you are doing, so just the general infos I know related to this topic.
If you have a university degree from just an overseas university (having studied once in Japan would surely help much too) and have already worked in Japan, I guess it should be possible.
I don’t want to spread too much of my professional activites here and the whys and hows, but I have seen and I have been told many times, since one or too years Japanese companies try to recruit foreigners who are studying at Japanese universites (IT or engeneering related stuff) to stay here after graduation.
So, getting a work visa is maybe not that hard anymore as it was before.
(But still, the general behavior of the Japanese is seldom very rational)
I heard that divorce here is quite easy compared to most western countries, just signing a paper, but no garantee and I’m not familiar with the situation in Japan as I don’t care anyway. If I’ll do it then I’ll leave the country for sure and do the divorce back home where I know the laws.
But what I learned here is that the kid is the “property” of the mother and her family.
But if you could stay anyway in Japan, it should be possible to see your kid. Maybe another possibility (seems to be difficult though), just take your kid and get out of Japan…
As terrible as it sounds, the dad just does not count. Maybe as a PIN-free ATM, but not as a part of the family life.
Isn’t it like that that when kids born outside marriage, the dad is not recognized by law?
“Her constant effort to transform our dead marriage into a mother/son relationship makes me hate her. ”
Sounds so familiar to me. But I managed to stop that behavior. I said: “Hey sorry, babe, I’m not your son, say it again to me like you would say to person X on the street/ friend/ lover etc.” After 2 months of applying that, it stopped some time ago and I rarely hear something like that again. But anyway, I have separated emotionally quite a lot already, so…
But good luck in every case!!!
@TokyoHell
Un po’ prima ho cominciato a leggere il tuo blog e sembra proprio interessante, anche se non sono stato in grado di leggerne tanto fin’adesso. Ma almeno così so cosa fare durante il lavoro la settimana prossima.
hello coconut,im philippine woman and know i decide mysef to be a loyal wife to my husband but why?sometimes im thinking to my self to get bf and to give me what i want,because im really lonely so much.
you think if i get secet bf? this is normal for??know why my husband is always late to come home and he always to go hostess club together with friend and he always tell me this is a japanese style….but why he go to a hostess club,,and im always waiting in home and i feel my self crazy to wait my husband and what time to come back home and know im tired to be a good wife,,,thats why sometimes im thinking to find a secret bf to give me what i want in my self and to give me a money allowance to my self…..but i think is not good and i dont know,what do you think….
thats why sometimes im thinking to find a secret bf to give me what i want in my self and to give me a money allowance to my self…..but i think is not good and i dont know,what do you think….
May:
An allowance for being with a boy friend? This is one man that will never pay for sex. Nor will I ever pay money or give an allowance to spend time with a woman. I would want a woman to be with me because she enjoys the company, and not because money is being exchanged. To me there is nothing that gives me a high more than to know a women is interested in spending time with me and that she finds me attractive.
A woman that desires an allowance is not my cup of tea. But that is just me.
Timmy
May:
Even though I’m personally not against paying for sex. In certain circumstances I can see benefits in doing that. But if doing so, the whole encounter is just a meaningless business and the filmiest hint about personal problems or ones situation etc. would be enough for me to keep my money and run away.
Long story direct and short: If/when I’m rarely willing to pay for sex, then I’m not interested at all neither in your situation/problems nor in your person but just in your body. If you are nice or not. That’s all about.
It’s only my opinion though, there are others around…
But anyway, my opinion to your situation:
You should figure out what you really want!
Is it really the money allowance you are looking for? Demand it from your husband for something pretending it is for the house or so, buy it cheap and keep the rest.
You know that in Japan it was very common that the husband handed over his whole paycheck to the wife some time ago?
Or get yourself a part-time job. It keeps you out of the house, which helps always.
Or is it the loneliness you can’t stand anymore? Then you should try to focus just on finding someone which fits you for this and leave the money thing beside.
Combining that and lurking for money at the same time is a bad idea and will not help you to feel really better in the end.
Hey May;
Go to a dating site, this isn’t a dating site. I am a Filipina too, and my husband is Japanese, and Japanese usually have a very kechi attitude towards money especially If their spouse is a Foreigner and a Filipina,It’s always just upto the house matters that they’re willing to spend to. I’ve read somebody mentioned above that in japan husband pour all their earnngs to their wife and let her handle everything.Well that is not always the case, so I tried to find a job to support my wants and needs. And May I never aska penny from my husband for my own personal matters so I could yell at him, belittles him with pride when he starts aiming at my race and culture and how I was brought up. If you ask money from him you will lose your pride and dignity and he will treat you like a dog.And you’ll end up crying at one corner everytime he throws a fit.
hello yubi,
im happy for your life,know many gaijin here in japan not totally happy and you are the one lucky here,know what many here the husband is japanese but he cannot giving allowance and no time for family .and know! many here she want to work but no time because of the kids,and me too also i want to work but i cannot because of my kids. thats why sometimes i talk my self if my son will be grow up!i want to work and i want to get my own money.
im happy for you because you have husband to give what you want and to give your allowance and love your family because you have a good husband.
not like me,i want to buy what i want!i cannot buy because he not give me a allowanced for me.but i need to be strong now and aslo gaman,when my son will grow-up,i want to strart to get my job but for now gaman only.
I mentioned it was very common some time ago.
But still it happens nowadays. A colleague of mine, Japanese and 29 years old, married last year, and from now on he’s giving his paycheck to his wife and he gets only a small pocket-money to go on nomikai…
But of course when the wife is non-japanese asian, they seem to take much advantage of this fact and behave like they would/could not do with a Japanese spouse. Just keep that in mind!
Sad to hear that they spend the money elsewhere, either in hostess-clubs or in nightclubs etc.
It should not be like that.
Anyway it’s not so much a pride question. For example, you keep the house clean and for that he should support you. It’s more an exchange housework against money than just begging.
But anyway, you don’t have to beg, just say to him you need money for buying something for the house/kitchen/bath and so on, say it cost much more than it actually does, then buy it cheap (from Loft or so) and keep some of the rest for yourself. Do this several times until he gets used to it and then he surely won’t check the receipt every time.
Or if he still does so, say you lost/forget/ already threw it away/ cannot find it anymore etc.
You understand what I mean?
i think that western guys (usually white guys) who can’t get laid by their japanese wives (in Japan and elsewhere.) are just game less wimps. in my 11 years of living in japan, i have observed that these were mostly white men. black men wouldn’t play that crap. I told my wife before we got married that, if she ever decided to stop putting out after we got married, then it would be time for a divorce. happy to mention that my japanese wife is now an insatiable nymphomaniac, masturbating at work even.
@stefhen
Do you really think that the color of the male has something to do with that problem?
Btw. what do you think is the ratio of black/japanese to white/Japanese?
From the impression I got moving around Tokyo, the Black/Japanese couples are vanishingly little compared to White/Japanese. So, from that I find it hard to draw any conclusions regarding skin color.
Further, a lot of people here just stated that habits suddenly changed (after marriage or after the birth of a child). Even if the guy is a wimp, the fact that the Japanese wife just fooled him (pretending to like having sex) until they got married or have a child would remain somehow valid.
This would support the assumption some people made here, that there is a strong tendency (from the Japanese wife) to gamam everything until they are married.
Btw. As there weren’t so many posts recently, how’s the situation of you guys going on?
My situation & result:
It improved a lot since I’m not sticking to only my wife any more. I have now another gf and I don’t hesitate to get down for additional ONS after e.g. clubbing or so.
I also care less for her in general and now also I don’t give a sh*** when she is complaining about something, or the style she is arguing. I’m just stay calm and instead of getting emotionally involved I settle the next date with another woman.
I’m still wondering what she is thinking about everything (especially when I’m not returning home the whole night)
But the outcome was and is still completely against my intuition: Nagging has disappeared and she is now into me similar as it used to be before marriage.
Good that this seems to work for me, bad that I had to drop my morals concerning marriage.
My update:
I came home one night and we had an argument about me getting an apartment. She figured out I was planning to leave. I admitted I was sick of her ignoring me. There was nothing good left between us except our child. She was a good wife before we had a kid. She changed after that. She got worse after we moved to Japan. She turned into a good mother and an absolutely terrible wife.
Anyway, I have my own place now. I don’t get nagged anymore. I don’t miss the constant bitching or being ignored. It was hard when I first left because I missed my son terribly and my place is near an elementary school.
I feel like a piece of garbage for being away from him. But my wife and I did not get along. I did not want to waste more of my life arguing or listening to her whine. I was working a lot of hours to avoid going back home. My son wasn’t seeing me much, anyway.
There are things I wish I could change but its impossible. Dwelling on them is pointless and depressing.
Japan will sink into full blown immorality and population reccesssion if this stupidity continues of sexless marriages, overkill work hours and sucicide saw upwards.
@leanback. there are far fewer black men in japan that white men. last i read, there were 5000 african americans and 45000 european americans. from my observation here for the past 11 years, we black men treat japanese women differently from how white men treat them. again, this is not scientific, just my observation. however, I’m a pretty good social observer. overly enamored by the kawaii factor, white men tend to put japanese women on a pedestal. to their detriment they fail to see the horrific low emotional quotient qualities and the overall lack of conflict resolution skills in Japanese women in general. not all, but in general. japanese society does not socialize its women (people) with conflict resolution skills. people who marry japanese partners outside of Japan, underestimate, or are fully oblivious of the impact which re-introduction to japan will have on their japanese partner. usually an impact for the worse, as the partner usually bows to social pressure to reconfirm to the rigid social structure of japan. this leaves you wondering, “where the hell is my super openminded japanese spouse whom i married in canada, or the Uk, or america or where ever?” all too often that kawaii japanese woman, who is lacking in conflict resolution and critical thinking skills, bites you in the posterior, by ignoring you in marriage and in many cases, absconding with the children after marriage.
I didn’t fall into that trap. upon my arrival here on wednesday april 18 2001, it was blatantly obvious to me that, if I’m to marry a japanese woman, i will have to de-socialize and re-socialize her, which would include getting her to think critically. That’s what i did with my wife. this called for literally kicking her out of her own country so she can obtain a master’s degree in the US and staying there for a while, even obtaining US citizenship before returning to Japan. Yes, you’re right, its a lot of work, but that and nothing less is necessary with japanese women. its a good investment if you hope to be in a happy marriage with a japanese woman. my wife, who was once some little kawaii 23 year old working at bigot patisserie, is now taking the NY BAR.
If you are a western man planning on marrying a japanese woman, or a western man living in japan, you have to read, ‘Black Passenger Yellow Cabs: A Memoir of Exile and Excess in Japan.’ don’t get caught in the kawaii trap.
Read a lot of the posts on here and agree with some. The “They may look “cute” on the surface, but I know that beneath that “kawaii” exterior is a dead cold fish.” is one of many such posts. Also the posts about NOT moving to Japan if you live elsewhere with her are spot on.
Overall the sex here in Japan compared to other places I have been is low. No passion, sex is seen as just one more chore to do. Most are cold dead fish and prefer missionary position and they will not initiate sex. That and the “Kawaii” act gets old quick.
It’s not a Foreigner/Japanese problem as I have Japanese male friends (married) who frequent Soaplands and Hostess Clubs and Girls Bars often. They get their pleasure there instead of at home. They complain about the nagging sexless wife who ignores them and just shops. They mention they would rather be at work than at home. I know married Japanese guys at the local bar who stay there until close instead of going home. Hell even the married bartender has a 24 year old gf on the side who hangs out there with them.
As far as the woman go not much better (the exception being the desperate lonely housewife types) as most see the guy as an ATM and just go to a mall on a weekday afternoon and count the moms there. No shocker why many Japanese married men have their company set them up a private bank account and they put a % or some of the bonus in there so the wife can’t access it.
My advice is to anyone who has a J-girl and is thinking of marriage (unless she is somewhat Westernized or you met her in your homeland) DO NOT DO IT!!!
Update:
So I got the silent treatment for 3 months. Then we began speaking again which was really her bitching at me. Then we began being friendly and even being loving … but no sex yet. And you know, I don’t really care but I know it is important for a marriage and I do want to keep our family together.
A friend (Japanese female, late 20s) has been married about 2 years or so. Apparently sex dried up for them after a few months of marriage. Since her husband was often out late she decided that she would take the matter into her own hands and get a boy friend. It wasn’t long before she had three boy friends and was sharing her bed with all of them. Needless to say she had no kids. I guess amongst other things it took her mind off the problem that she had with her husband. I don’t know if she did it because she wanted to have sex or if she just wanted to feel loved. Either way it was quite eye opening that sex can become such a huge part of a married woman’s life in Japan… and have absolutely nothing to do with her husband.
I had been meaning to post the above comment half a year ago. Mainly because I was envious of the three Casanovas. I also wondered a lot what her husband would think if he realised that he wasn’t getting any sex but she was regularly being serviced by a small army of bachelors.
BUT the story continues.
A few weeks ago her husband “suddenly” asked for a divorce. My friend was heart broken and can’t imagine living without him. She is now desperately trying to win him back.
While I’m sure her story is by no means representative of Japanese marriages, surely if she had have spent more energy in continuing to win the love of her husband instead of running after single boys then she might have still had a marriage to talk about. Why don’t parents tell their children that the effort you have to put into a marriage begins on your wedding day. It feels like Japanese chicks treat the wedding day as the culmination of their efforts and only go downhill from there on.
@Hills
Somehow your story does not surprise me. This is a rule of thumb.
Women NEED attention
like
Men NEED sex.
Men and women need two different things from each other, this “need” is met by pretty much trading one for the other. This female’s husband didn’t need sex [at least from her] so he did not give her any attention. Her needs went unmet so she found others who were willing to trade. Those men got what they needed and in turn she got what she needed.
Reading through the posts you may find a common denominator, the women who no longer wanted to trade sex for attention from their husbands [those men posting here] get all the attention they need from elsewhere…be it family, friends, kids, etc. Therefore the purpose for the husband is reduced and she is no longer interested in trading. Indeed he has nothing she wants.
What this young lady wants is to actually get off the dating marry-go-round which is why she got married and is not wanting her husband back. She thinks she can settle down and get all the attention she needs from her husband or “a” husband. She wants to be married and wants that marriage to satisfy her needs. I would not be surprised if she does not get pregnant for the dual purpose of keeping her husband and/or having a source for attention via the new child and others who may find interest in the child [grandparents, new friends, etc.]
Edit:
What this young lady wants is to actually get off the dating marry-go-round which is why she got married and is NOW wanting her husband back.
It seems like not many women have posted on this topic. My husband and I are not Japanese, but we live and work in Japan and try to incorporate ourselves into culture here as much as possible. We have two young children, and though I see our sex life as pretty pitiful compared to before we had kids (we have sex about once every 1-2 weeks), we do have sex more often than most Japanese couples that have been married 7 years. Our major problem is lack of space. All four of us share one 6 tatami bedroom and it is kind of difficult to feel in the mood when your options are having sex on the wooden floor in the kitchen or SUPER quietly in bed so that you don’t wake up and scar the children for life.
Part of the reason that we are able to have sex, despite our lack of privacy, is because my husband refuses to stay at work until nearly midnight like all of his colleagues. I wake up at 6 when the baby does, spend all day being a teacher, cleaner, maid, cook, nurse, therapist, and referee for my kids and by the time 10 pm rolls around I am zombie tired. If my husband came home at midnight every night, there would be no way in hell that I would stay awake just so that we could have sex. For most of the Japanese women I know here (at least the ones with children) this is a major problem that they face when it comes to intimacy with their spouse.
Here is also another thought from a woman’s perspective. Growing up in the west, I was taught through sex-ed, media, and culture to be communicative about my desires, expectations, and sexual needs with my partner. For a lot of women that I have talked to here they don’t feel confident or comfortable giving feedback, suggestions, affirmations, and guidance during sex. They just take it as it is. That is fine for a one night stand, but for sex to be interesting or fulfilling in a long term relationship, once that spark and intense physical attraction is gone, communication is absolutely necessary.
Obviously it is more complicated than this but, I feel that if men spent less time at work/drinking with their buddies at the izakaya and women felt a bit more vocal about their sexual needs, just maybe we would see less infidelity and sexlessness in Japanese marriages.
Ain’t gonna happen.
The Japanese have lived in this dis-functional state for too long. Though counter productive it is a way-of-life for them, its normal. Much like the Arabs and Jews fighting, they tell the world they want change but ultimately they are too conditioned to their dis-functional state for that to become a reality.
We all can observe, live in and talk about Japanese society and relationships but realistically we can do nothing to fix it, indeed they can’t fix it themselves.
Bottom line: Like it has been repeated over and over and over. DO NOT MARRY A JAPANESE! Date them, have sex with them, enjoy some company but do not get married or have children with them. *DANGER*
For the foreign man:
1) Having sex with a Japanese woman – VERY EASY
2) Having a relationship with a Japanese woman – DIFFICULT
3) Having a working marriage with a Japanese woman – IMPOSSIBLE
Stay with option #1, have as many Japanese girl friends as you can stand and bang them all, have fun without guilt. If ever you want to get married choose a different race, but keep a few Japanese girl friends if you want, they make excellent mistresses.
If you go option #2 you will likely find the challenge of the relationship something to over-come, something you can live with or make better. Its a trap, dump her and move on while you can.
Going with option #3 means eventually [sooner than later] you will find yourself here warning others and regretting your choice. If you have a child, then God help you….you are doomed.
@borilocks… You hit the nail right on the head –
“Here is also another thought from a woman’s perspective. Growing up in the west, I was taught through sex-ed, media, and culture to be communicative about my desires, expectations, and sexual needs with my partner. For a lot of women that I have talked to here they don’t feel confident or comfortable giving feedback, suggestions, affirmations, and guidance during sex. They just take it as it is.”
The cultural lack of open communication between spouses on these subjects combined with the overwhelming social obligations (peer pressure) at work make for poor sexual relations. Marriages thus evolve into business partnerships dedicated to raising children, and getting ones urges satisfied outside of marriage becomes an unwritten acceptable “cost of doing business”…
In my experience, so many Japanese are conditioned to this state that it doesn’t phase them one bit. They don’t know what they are missing in terms of a genuine, loving husband-wife relationship, because they’ve never felt it before – or it was for such a short time it’s been forgotten.
There are exceptions of course, but if you are a Western male (or female), I would heed Coconut’s advice rather than roll the dice.
As I read all the above posts it is as if I am reading about my own marriage (to a japanese woman). Basically I am on the verge of asking for a divorce – but hold back because she will take our 3 yr old daughter and go beck to Japan (we live in Hawaii) – and not allow me to ever see her again. This recently happened to a friend of mine who got tired of his parasite wife (Japanese) and threatened a divorce; she (his wife), within days of him telling her he was very disappointed with the marriage, took their two kids and went back to japan. He has not seen his kids in over a year!
As I am constantly being compared to other japanese friends husbands, usually in a way that makes me feel very inadequate, coupled with her lack of interest in finding a job to help financially I am in a pickle when it comes to trying to keep my head above water. Now that she has a new friend who is a flight attendant she announces that if she works she wants to be flight attendant – part-time,, and she will only be gone on these airline trips maybe 2 weeks out of every month. What???!!!
And lets not forget how she pressuered me into having a child and now acts “overwhelmed” with having to take care of our daughter while I work a full-time career position and 2 part-time jobs. For me this marriage has turned into a “trap” that is impossible to escape from without me losing my daughter, my bank account and probably my sanity.
And the sex – there isn’t any! As the resentment in me grows my interest in her declines. Its been over 3 years since there has been any sexual connection and now I can’t stand to be in the same room with her. Not that I am sexless. Here in Hawaii we have the massage parlor option for men who are in sexless marriages and on occasion I do partake in these services. Do I feel guilty? At first yes; but now that I see this woman for who she truly is I feel no guilt what so ever!
My advice to any guy looking to date or marry a japanese woman – DON’T!!!!!! I am aware of over 10 guys here in Hawai who have gone through what I am experiencing. Even my wife’s Japanese friends, their husbands are all as disappointed as I am in their own marriages.
The key for me is to have a life outside my marriage. Don’t make my wife much of a priority, and focus on my daughter. other than that I am not sure what I can do! Any advice would be welcome.
Thanks!
@dm
You have 2 choices.
Leave things as they are….
She will of course see this as a weakness in her Chess game of dominance. Expect her to get the airline job, and of course screw men on the side, keep her cash, let you take care of the daughter while she is gone. She will feel secure by your inaction that she has you backed in a corner. Japanese women [as I am sure you know] are heartless, so she will feel no pity in running you into the ground and/or straight into a insane asylum. In her mind as long as you hang on its win/win for her. She knows your weak spot [the daughter] so she will play it for what its worth.
Option 2, call her bluff and let her go….
Granted she will probably go, and you probably won’t see your daughter again, if so maybe a few times. To increase your chances you will need a support group in Japan who has contact with your daughter and will act in your best interest. This might not be possible depending on your relationship with her parents etc.
Either option you loose something.
I made a similar choice with my first marriage and lost my two sons. I gained my sanity but also a J-wife that I will unload very soon. I was however smart enough to get a vasectomy. Silver lining IS kids grow up and become their own people. Once they become an adult I can try to rekindle the relationship, so I lost some years but gained my sanity and peace of mind. To me those were worth the price. You will have to decide for yourself. Loosing the kid can be temporary, so can money….sanity and peace of mind on the other hand.
Hey Coconut
Thanks for the input! Very much appreciate you taking the time to give me your thoughts. You are right in that your recommended two options seem to be what will be facing me at some point. Of the two, option one, for now, is the better option as I would lose
less, and still have a relationship with my daughter – which is very important to me at this stage of the game. I think by focusing on my daughter and being the best dad I can be is where I need to be – and she needs that as well.
Having more of a life outside of my marriage will help greatly with not being so bothered by what this selfish japanese woman thinks. It is very unfortunate, that at my age (51) I am stuck with this type of situation. But, I do have a beautiful daughter as a result and I have no desire to “date” at my age (as I am not attracted to women my age, but much younger!!). So the massage parlors work for me as far as the sex is concerned and if i want affection there is the option of the korean bars that are all over the place here in Hawaii.
i can very quickly recount the number of japanese woman who have befriended my wife these past 5 years, with a good number of them very open and honest about their intentions of wanting men to “take care of them” and these American men must have money and be tolerant of not getting much of anything back in return. One of these women befriended my wife after they met through mutual friends. This particular japanese women met a guy through an introduction service, married him in four weeks and then quickly discovered he was just a normal working stiff – ie, not rich. She very quickly, within weeks of their wedding, decided she “deserved” (her word not mine) a better lifestyle than he could provide. So she sent him off to work one day, packs up all her stuff, leaves her ring on the kitchen counter, writes a dear john letter and grabs the morning flight back to Japan. Needless to say the guy was devistated and very angry due to the debt he accrued for the ring and wedding. She certainly did not have any class and I think he is much better off without her.
My advice to anyone wanting to marry a japanese woman is to really think hard. They are very naive, selfish and really don’t have your best interest at heart.
Goodluck!
@dm
Good luck to your too, I really hope for the best for you!
Its really ashamed because many times these women get the best men, men who take care of business and really ‘want’ to make a marriage work. The only thing that really stands in the way of true wedded bliss is these womens mind-sets. They usually have it better than many woman and indeed the average woman would love to have a good man. But instead they make purposeful effort to destroy what could be a good thing for everyone.
Honestly, I have dated and know a lot of women. Some good and some bad, some were just plain nuts…but I have never met a woman that can be as truly even hearted as a Japanese woman. The odd thing is, to everyone else they are the sweetest, kindest, most gentle person on Earth. No one knows a true Japanese woman like her husband, no friend, relative, co-worker or relative will ever see both sides like the husband.
This forum provides a good outlet to vent frustrations and I guess thats what I am doing now. I guess we need it to keep our sanity.
I think coconut has pretty much figured out the problem, and he has clearly articulated it to us. There is clearly no solution to the problem except to not marry a Japanese women.
At the link below is a perspective from Muhammad Ali that it politically incorrect. In 2012 it is difficult or impossible to find anyone of prominence that would speak as bluntly as Ali did in 1971. Maybe there is some truth to what he is saying. This is coming from a white man that has two very good looking children that are a product of mix marriage with a Japanese woman. In addition it is coming from me, the same white man, who is dating a young black women.
Maybe we should leave Japanese women for Japanese men. Just a thought.
Muhammad Ali Tells The Truth – 1971
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTeudEWOL4w&feature=share