With maid cafes where pretty young girls that ooze submissiveness to their “masters”, and “shuccho health” (出張ヘルス, basically, dial-a-prostitute) and soap-lands (sensual bathing houses with soapy special service) to vending machines for porn, and specialty shops with used high school girl underwear; Japan, at least on the surface appears one of the most sexually proactive nations in the world. Japanese men are as perverted (if not more perverted) than those in other countries, and as for the ladies, on top of being naturally feminine (with petite sexy bodies, skin that doesn’t seem to change complexion from childhood, pretty faces and silky black hair), the women of Japan have no misconceptions about what style – clothes, perfume and make up – makes a man stop in his tracks, and rouse that tingle in his loins.
When interacting with others, sex and everything surrounding it is fair game for a topic of conversation in Japan and, it is certainly not frowned upon by religious groups or society at large as it is in the USA and other countries. When it comes to secreting sexual hormones and sexuality in general, almost nothing is taboo in Japan – until that is, the day one gets married, or so it seems. Indeed in stark sexual contrast, Japan may be suffering from a sexual drought, where being totally open about sex and being sexy in general, doesn’t seem to be converted into the ins-and-outs of baby making when it comes to married couples.
Shown in these statistics, a recent survey by Japan’s health ministry found that as many as one-third of all marriages in Japan are sexless. The problem is now so widespread that the government fears it is a major contributor to the dramatic plunge in Japan’s birthrate (now only 1.28 births per woman). This sexless phenomenon is not only found in those relationships that are plunging down the drain toward divorce, but to the contrary, more and more couples that consider themselves healthily married (and have no intention of separating), have not had sex with each other in the last month or more (the common definition of “sexless” in Japan), with many saying that they have not had sex together in the last 6 months to one year.
According to the most recent survey of 41 nations last October, the average Japanese has intercourse 45 (and according to Bayer Pharmaceuticals as low as 17) times a year, compared with the global average of 103. Japan is repeatedly at the bottom of the list. Last year it trailed Singapore, which was 28 shags a year higher!
The term “sexless”, was first used in Japan in the early 1990s, but now is instantly recognizable to the Japanese as a universally understood concept, and widely discussed in the media. There are books on the subject and thousands websites and heartbreaking blogs discussing sexless Japan, while letters on the subject fill agony columns on “dear doctor”-type sites.
One in five sexless couples say they view sex simply as a nuisance. A small number cite the lack of a private space, because children or elderly parents often sleep just the other side of a paper-thin door, leading many married couples to even sleep in separate rooms. Mitsui Home announced recently in an Asahi Newspaper article, that in 30% of the new houses they build, the couples are asking for 2 “master” bedrooms. This is a shocking statistic, which shows that sexless couples want to continue living their lives together – separately! “We are sort of room-mates rather than a married couple”, one 31-year-old man, who had not had sex with his wife for two years, told the Asahi Shinbun.
There are many other theories about why the Japanese become less inclined to raunchy evenings in the sack together, but likely it is a mixture of some of these:
- Stress of work/life in Japan (maybe the taihen cloud?)
- Lack of understanding, and usage of contraception, especially “the pill” (who wants to use condoms with their wife!?), making sex with your wife viable only when you want to have a baby
- Abundance of 不倫 (furin, or extra-marital) relationships
- More and more Japanese women choosing career over family
- A tendency among Japanese married couples to feel an aversion to sex with their spouse, not because they dislike one another, but rather because they feel that they have more of a sister-brother relationship; the sanctity of which would be destroyed with a repulsive incest-like feeling, by what westerners would consider normal conjugal relations
The last point is an interesting one, as in the past, it has been traditionally Japanese women who complained that they couldn’t see their hubby “as a member of the opposite sex.” But in the last few years, there’s been an exponential increase in men who can’t view their wives as sexual partners either. While it is true that many Japanese married couples seem to be sexless in nature, they key thing to remember is that this certainly does not mean that they lack the desire for sexual fulfillment. While marriage and children may bring on a sex drought in the home, Japanese people who want (and in the case of most men, need) sex do not simply abstain from sex because they cannot see the feminine qualities in their own wife, or the sexual attraction of their hard working husband.
Japanese men love their companies; they live for work, and many don’t even think it is a problem if they don’t have sex with their wives. They have pornography and the sex industry (soap lands, cabaret bars, and dial-a-girl services, and trips to Taiwan) to take care of their needs, but their wives have nowhere to go. They just suffer in silence.. or do they? The divorce rate in Japan has nearly doubled in the past 10 years, with more women blaming their sexually inactive, as opposed to sexually errant, husbands for break-ups. Though they may not be seeking sexual pleasure from their better halves, married Japanese women are seeking intimacy from other sources (many even claim to have a sex addiction), leading double lives – being the good mother, while at the same time seeking out “Leroy” the lover, who is always lurking, and ready to fulfill her every desire.
Japan is full of temptation, and it doesn’t matter whether you are a housewife or salary-man, there is plenty of raunchy action waiting out there – if that is what you desire. Furin sites to find a (extra marital) “sex friend” partner are just as rampant in Japan as in other countries, however they are much more widely used by women in Japan to solve their sexless quandaries. For the more conservative ladies, sites like mixi.jp – which are neutrally classed as “social networking” spaces – are abound with profiles (men and women) looking for partners to secretly spruce up their sexless, but otherwise happily married lives.
Many Japanese marriages may be sexless, but this is only a statistic about the state of sex within marriage itself. In fact, there may be a good reason for the sexless condition of marriages here – Are the Japanese getting enough of the good stuff outside their marriages to keep them happy? I certainly think so.
Japanese people will never be sexless as individuals; therefore Japan is not sexless, so don’t let mere statistics confuse the situation!
(If you are married in Japan, or married to a Japanese, let us know what you think of “Sexless Japan” by leaving a comment below!)
kanbatsu
[If anything now, I’m “better” now than I was when our sex life was at it’s peak.]
before i can attempt to answer your question, what has she said or done to convince you that you are better?
have you ever touched her “downstairs”? reaction?
i need to try to understand her.
as i’ve never had your experience
Yes, I have. And she told me to stop as she was too embarassed. “hazukashii”
kanbatsu
(copied from post 251)
[If anything now, I’m “better” now than I was when our sex life was at it’s peak.]
before i can attempt to answer your question,
what has she said
or
done to convince you that you are “better”?
I have been reading the article and comments with great interest. Having been in Japan for many times and being married to a Japanese woman for two years now, I think I have some ideas on the issue. I think first of all that things should not be seen too specifically as a problem for Japanese women and men, and their foreign partners, as these matters are a problem all over the world. This regarding of the Japanese as a ‘special’ case is something they cultivate not in the least by themselves (being Japanese is completely different from any other race…blabla…)
Anyhow, something that plays surely an important role is the way Japanese women view their own sexuality and role. First of all Japanese woman are taught from a very early age that being passive is being attractive. When one looks at Japanese porn, the girls are always being DONE things to. They cry, whine, plead, say no please, don’t hurt me, forgive me etc. (mou yurushite, yamete yamete, yada, hazukashi, itai….). Compare this porn with the US stuff where women scream YES,YES, harder etc. Their school uniforms make them also unable to express any sexuality or uniqueness. Some ‘bad’ ones may secretly roll up their skirt after school so that it becomes much shorter, but it doesn’t get them anywhere. On the other hand I experienced also a less self-conscious and less guilty attitude towards sex, probably due to the lack of christian morale.
Wishing everyone on the forum a very good day,
Kuroobi
fuckedgaijin
I think japanese women are the most desired because of the lack of understanding of their culture. I think a outside in view is that they are humble, submissive, and most of all loyal and all they want in return is a loving provider. But that’s not how it goes in reality they aren’t like that at all, except the provider part but what woman doesn’t want that. In reality once they have a provider that’s the main thing, and then they naturally shift over to family caretaker money management once kids arrive and everything else including you is a distant second. I have to strongly disagree that japanese women are the most beautiful, I realized that it’s all the things that you think they are that they aren’t that makes them more desired, at least for me. My infatuation for the japanese woman evaporated into a more cynical disillusion, the more I researched the culture and got to know some. I think it’s that common infatuation with the image of a japanese woman that makes her attractive vs the actual woman and makes you look past her looks. This doesn’t mean that they aren’t attractive but more a overall sense of cuteness, but the cute mannerisms, laughs and antics all get ruined when viewed with the entire arrogance and in some aspects undeveloped nature of communication.(no, I am not misunderstanding it you should be able to communicate in any and all forms to have a deeper understanding of communication) When I look at a pretty japanese woman I think “ahh she’s cute” when I see a pretty brazilian, african, spanish african american, italian and yadda yadda woman I get ‘Like a rock’ and that speaks volumes to me.
You go out and find a Japanese woman and think you have the best woman in the world because you don’t fully understand her or the culture and feel in time things will grow and you look back sometime later realizing that the woman you have while you might love her is not the same woman. You basically got trapped pretty much all women in every culture do this, don’t feel bitter about it just figure out how you want to move forward. Anyway I would never marry a japanese woman now, I would date them but I can’t see myself marrying one. To all who have congratulations I wish nothing but happiness for you
It sounds like you are angry towards Japanese women, perhaps because of your own experience. I’m entering my 9th year of marriage to a Japanese girl now. I’ve read all the posts as they come in from this thread and its been interesting getting everyones different experiences and views. Our sex life has definitely declined with time and after kids it also took a dive. Looking back I thought she’d changed from the girl I met as lots of other guys think. But I’ve changed to. I also thought she was distant at times and cold. But now I slowing a bit, and I kinda get it I think. Relationships are such a complex thing and theres alot of give and take required. Forgiveness. I learnt to be patient after having kids. I guess kids grounded me allot and maybe girls get grounded a lot fasted than us guys. I think it doesn’t matter what nationality of girl you marry, sex will always change and maybe its just a case that it changes at different rates for the sexes. As I get older sex doesn’t hold center stage. 9 years and Im still learning about her, I’ll probably fully understand her just before I die if ever but its one of her charms. Shes still mysterious, but learning all these things has been a great journey. Dont get me wrong, we have had shit times, she went back to Japan once or twice with the kids to have a break, but we stuck at it. I will stick with it because I think my family deserves it. Thats what makes strength. Takes a long time to get to know some one who’s not your family, no matter where they come from.
The Japanese are not special or different they are just people like you and me. To them we are weird. I think maybe you should take a good hard look at yourself before putting a stamp on the women of a particular culture.
Here Here Mr V! Well said!
It has been interesting to read the view and comments of so many people. I am married to a Japanese lady and we are expecting a baby later this year. From our discussions, I can now understand how this becomes such a big impediment to sex in Japan.
Unlike in Australia or the US where they say there is no problem making love (other than there is a good chance she might not feel up to it), in Japan the doctors actively recommend against making love while the wife is pregnant. Additionally, after the baby is born it is common to for the baby to sleep in the same bed as the parents, in between them. These issues have the potential to take this intimacy out of the marriage for a long time during which a routine is created.
Obviously these are just 2 of many different issues that could cause problems but ones I have noticed that don’t seem to be discussed too much above.
To Majimeaussie,
Gidday Im a kiwi, just over the ditch. And after 2 kids I definitely recommend putting baby in a separate room from day 1 if you have the space. It will save untold problems later. But it might take some smooth talking on your part if your wife has other ideas. Do some research on it. As long as you have a fast response time to babys needs, baby will be content and feel safe and being in the room next door is no issue really. We did it with both our kids and its smooth sailing now. The first baby is always a steep learning curve but just relax with them really and enjoy! congrats by the way 🙂
Unless you have a space issue there is no reason why you can’t have the baby in your room. Just get a cot with wheels on it. I find that is a good way to go as you can wheel baby in and out of the room, when you need to. Keep the baby in the room as long as you feel or mother feels the need to keep an eye on the baby, and for other times wheel it out into the baby’s room.
I wouldn’t advocate having the baby actively sleeping in the bed with parents as there is a chance of rolling on the baby, or SIDS. Plus it’s just going to mess up their head at a later date, and it will be harder to get them to sleep in their own bed. It’s better to set a routine now, before they get older and too reliant on sleeping in your bed.
Doctors in any country say alot of BS about what you can and can’t do while pregnant, it’s up to the mother and how she feels her limits are.
I think Mr V is right though, there are alot of guys on here that think they’re pretty special coz they married a japanese woman and now having probs in their sex life. It’s not just with japanese women it’s with any race of women. Every marriage is hard work and it takes a lot of understanding and committment to make it right. No one said it was a walk in the park.
The underlying issue is that women are far more complex than men can ever understand. We have emotions you men don’t have. I would recommend getting out a Dr Phil book from the library, it worked for my marriage. Japanese men are hard to understand too you know! But somehow with a bit of reading, alot of understanding and compassion, it happened. You have to understand that us not wanting to have sex is mostly not a reflection on you guys, get over yourselves! We have emotions far beyond what you can comprehend, why do we have to explain it? I think pre-marriage counselling is good. Then you can set out your demands and things you want, before you tie the knot. If you’re not happy with her, you can go your separate ways and find a nymphomaniac who suits your needs. 🙂
Kelly
I think it’s certainly true that there can be many reasons for sexual problems in a relationship. And many of those reasons are universal. But most of the problems discussed in this thread have nothing to do with baby sleeping arrangements and other easily remedied concerns, they are about a clash of values stemming from cultural differences. Some people don’t seem to believe that such differences actually exist, or are worthy of consideration. I think it’s commendable to keep an open mind and steer clear of stereotypes and cliches. It’s important not to overlook the obvious and invent imaginary causes for simple problems. But at the end of the day these things called Japanese culture and Western culture are real, and learning about how they interact is valuable to those of us trying to bridge the gap.
I don’t think that women are any more or less complicated than men, and I think that such beliefs are chauvinistic. There are vast differences in how men and women relate to their own emotions, but that’s another story.
You have totally missed the point of what those people were saying then.
And also if you refuse to believe that women have a depth of emotions that you can’t relate to, then relationships will always be a problem for you.
And also, i wasn’t stating that it wasn’t a clash of cultures. Of course it is one, but at the most basic level it’s a relationship between Man and Woman. Of course the cultural consideration is worthy, but it’s not the be all and end all of a relationship. You talk about stereotypes but you are the one who is analysing the relationship on race only.
“It’s important not to overlook the obvious and invent imaginary causes for simple problems”
What imaginary causes are you referring to, James?
I don’t believe that men lack emotional depth. What possible basis can there be for a comparison between the emotions of two different people? It’s the height of presumption to claim to know what another person is feeling. You’ve compared what you feel with what you imagine I feel, and you expect me to believe you when you tell me that you have “emotional depth” and I don’t. If I tried to convince you that I had discovered that I possessed some intangible quality that you lacked, would you pay any attention to me? I don’t think so.
It’s simply not true that I only analyse relationships in terms of cultural factors. But I would say that I think that where men have complained about passivity and lack of interest in sex from their partners, it is mostly caused by Japanese attitudes to sex. The statistics discussd in the article bear this out in my opinion.
Also I think that knowlege of real Japanese culture is lacking in most of us Westerners, and therefore culture is the most beneficial topic of conversation.
I didn’t say that women have more emotions than men what i wanted to say is that women have emotions that men can never understand and it is the same for men. Unless we can each live as a woman and a man we will never truly understand what each other is thinking or feeling.
I am not trying to convince you of anything, this is just a discussion. You can believe what you want as i am free to do so.
I would never try to think i know what my husband is thinking or feeling because i don’t. Yes he’s from a totally different culture than me. It can’t be all about his race though. It’s about if he’s willing to sit down and communicate with me what exactly he wants in our relationship and if i do the same. Yeah, some Japanese are brought up in the way that their parents never expressed love for each other, never talked about relationships. He is from such a family, but somehow he knew what he wanted, and he tried to move out of that shell that he grew up in and sought to express himself where his family could not teach him how to.
How many times have i looked at him and had no idea what he was thinking! So many! But if i do not ask him and he does not tell me…then this is what i think these guys are facing. It’s lack of communication. Even if we have cultural differences, there are ways around it.
We tend to treat each other as mind readers in relationships but the truth is we don’t know if you don’t tell and vice versa. You won’t know unless you ask.
Also, if you find that you are getting into a serious relationship with a japanese guy or girl, and sex is important to you, i think you should have a serious in depth communication about your expectations. It’s common sense don’t you think?
I feel that people on here are blaming the fact of cultural differences, but just like any other relationship, if you didn’t sit down and voice what you want, he or she will not know it and keep going on blindly, oblivious to your wants or needs.
I have been married for 5 years and i didn’t get here because i scrutinised his culture. I got here by understanding and communicating with my husband.
I agree with what you say about communication. But I think that when you are dealing with someone from another culture you often don’t know what are the important questions to ask. People frequently don’t really know why they do things or see things a certain way. Our fundamental values and expectations are formed at a very young age, so we are not very aware of them, which makes it hard to talk about them. So I think learning a bit about the culture can make communication easier.
Hi I am Gaijin(asian) married to a wondeful Japanese man.I fell inlove with him because of his wonderful qualities.He is very exceptional among the Japanese,He is affectionate,thoughtful,open of his feelings and emotions.We tell each other we love each other everyday.Englis is our main communication since we are both speaking different language,He speaks excellent english(he had his masters degree and phd in UCLA).The marriage was beautiful until after 3 years i slowly changes (We are married for almost 7 years now).As what youve said,sex declined which I dont really mind I am busy with the kids and house too.But from once in two weeks in becomes once a month and sometimes onece in two months,We kissd,we hugs and thats about it,Sometimes I would innitiate and joke to him once the kids are asleep but he would say he would finish answering all his emails first then he would come very late sometimes like 3 oclock in the morning,which I am already deadly tired and soun asleep by that time.Ive tried a lot of things dress nicely,wear sexy lingerie,he loves my body but its just what it is.And life is becoming more and more monotonous,I take care of the kids the house,his needs( I dont take care of his money) he gives me a lil allowance(which I am contented),I go for grocery,brings the kids to their activities,do their homeworks and dad is at home we play,we eat outside.Its a picture of a happy family which is what I want(love my kids soooo much) and also what he wants.Its like that all the time,My life revolves in this home sweet home with emptiness,I wasnt looking for anything other than the way things used to be(good laugh,good communication,and affection).My husband use to be saying Im his besfriend and I felt teh same way but not anymore.I felt like we are drifting apart.
I sometimes do soul searching,and sometimes wonders,If we will continue to be like these for years,by the time I will have the guts to get out I would be old and wouldnt be able to enjoy life to much at all,I have tallked abot it to my husband but still the same.Im just 25 now and living in misery and suffering in silence,Good thing I have my kids theyre the reasons wake up everymorning…
To Mr. V in post 256
While I congratulate you on your 9th year of marriage, I have to say your comment of “anger towards japanese women” comment is s far off base I assume it’s because your overly sensitive to my criticism your married to one. I’m sure my snapshot post can be of my views and experiences weren’t complete and therefore possibly misleading, however a quick review of your own statement is in order;
“I also thought she was distant at times and cold. But now I slowing a bit, and I kinda get it I think.” ” I think it doesn’t matter what nationality of girl you marry, sex will always change and maybe its just a case that it changes at different rates for the sexes.”
This clearly shows me that on some level your changing to meet her expectations vs marriage which what I have been taught is about growing together each and every day. Now this happens in a number of ways but one of which that’s very important is compromise, where is the compromise ? I’m not referring to you specifically at this point but the question in general when view with most of the posts here along side the comments I quoted above. You can’t have compromise without communication, and in my experience along side some comments made that seems to be where the big gap is. See when all I knew about Japan and it’s people was what’s filtered through in america and samurai sunday for those old enough to remember, I had this view of a whole culture of honest honorable people, I fell victim to a stereotype. My experiences led me to the conclusion that the present day Japanese woman is much different then the ones from the older generation, much like the USA. So with my eyes wide open I took another look and discovered they aren’t exactly what I would look for in a mate. Though I’m sure it’s not impossible to find one. I find myself MORE attracted to woman of other cultures with PASSION and who aren’t afraid to communicate and grow with over time, and I simply thrive on that. I like Japan, the culture and it’s people…… it’s just I like other things more, is that so bad ?
PS Forgot to say it’s not all about sex, at least not with me. Some posts here talk about the absence of affection as well that to me is more critical then the act of sex itself. I’m very understanding of a woman not being in the mood, heck I’ve even been the one with the “head ache” (it was a very weird and strange time I don’t wanna talk to much about it) however Affection is a must! That’s one of the core needs of a marriage, and with my experiences along side the comments on this page one of my biggest criticism of being with a japanese woman. Me disagreeing with the most beautiful women in the world comment is just my opinion and I think I have a point, I was one of them. Most people who grow fascinated with them have been influenced by media at some point first, those who have traveled there and gotten enchanted while there, well that’s more genuine and not what I am discussing.
To James of post 261 and 263
I agree and whole heartily support with your comments and views, and not just because they line up with my own. It is because of similarities that I am able to understand your view. I don’t even understand Mr V’s post in response to mine in 256 when I reread it, seem he miss the point of my post completely nothing in his post is replying to the points made in mine though for some reason I thought their was a word limit and cut bits out which made it less clear, I do admit that.
To kelly
Understanding comes with patience, time and communication to say women can’t be understood is in my mind insane, it’s all about how vulnerable you can allow yourself to be to get that person to open up to you and expose themselves, some make this harder then it should be. But I say to you NO woman or man WILLING to communicate will remain misunderstood(though they might be crazy *shrug*) it’s simply impossible unless you have a really hard time listening… a really really hard time. Their isn’t a voodoo about it or something mysterious, women aren’t from venus they just dress like it(comments made in () are not meant to offend but lighten the mood 🙂 )
I can understand emotions I’ve be looking listening and watching for long time, but it’s why that gets me and most time when I try to get deeper into it they can’t even explain the why to me. So I think it’s more about women coming to terms with their emotions/feelings so they can explain themselves and dare say they at times may not even know themselves. Men on the other hand know exactly how they feel but because of how we are brought up(mostly older gen.) we have a hard time talking about it because of the manhood thing so we bottle it up and don’t deal with it. Some of that still filters down, some men raise sons differently to include the things they wish they had from their fathers and to talk about how they feel more and that it isn’t a bad thing. I think in america this isn’t recognized and when it was, the media dubbed “metro male” and lumped the “metro male” with the “talking man” and made it viewed as a bad thing again. I’m am interested in how japanese men are raised to evaluate the cultural differences that may exist.
Mr LOVALOVA totally missed my point. When i said that you would never relate to women i was talking about a depth of emotions. I’m not making it hard for anyone, i just see that certain things that women deal with in life, men will never experience, and therefore never truly understand. It is the same for men, we women will never understand what it is like to be a man, unless we have a sex change, so therefore, understanding the way men think is not going to happen. Sure, as i have lived with my husband for just under 6 years, i can understand what my husband is thinking, just through knowing my husband, the way he acts, what he likes, i will know to a certain extent how i think he is going to think about something or react. But that is only through repetition, not because i understand exactly what he is thinking. He is the same with me.
YUBI, have you actually talked to your husband about this? Maybe he is doing it without realising, maybe he is tired. I have experienced that with my husband before, but i talked to him about it and he had no idea, just because he was busy at work and had a lot of things to do, he was very tired and wanted some time on his own, but he didn’t know what my feelings were and didn’t know i was hurt. I think you should sit down with him casually, with a cup of tea or something and slowly bring up the subject, talk to him about it, tell him how you feel. Don’t accuse, but just talk about your feelings. See what he has to say. If you want to talk about it email me at bananamanju(@)hotmail.com
Mr V,
Thanks for the congratulations and I understand what you are saying. We are discussing the issue and I am sure that we will come to an agreeable solution.
Kelly,
While I appreciate your comments and understand where you are coming from, it seems to me that they are lacking a bit of a cultural awareness. For your comment “I wouldn’t advocate having the baby actively sleeping in the bed with parents … Plus it’s just going to mess up their head at a later date” you do realize that the baby sleeping with the parents is very common in Japan don’t you. From talking to various Japanese people probably more than 50% and sometimes up to Junior highschool age. Have that many Japanese really got messed up heads?
Also your comment “Doctors in any country say alot of BS about what you can and can’t do while pregnant, it’s up to the mother and how she feels her limits are.” also seems to lack cultural awareness. You realize that Japanese are brought up to trust and not question doctors. With that and the nervousness of a first pregnancy you expect a Japanese wife to just blow off the doctors instructions? Once again, from the way I have been brought up I can understand your comments and agree to them to a large extent but in the Japanese context they are not going to work.
On the discussion of cultural v personal issues in the marriage. In our case I think we look at each other as husband and wife first and foremost. Not foreign husband / Japanese wife. There are some issues that are due to personal items and some that are definitely related to cultural issues. To deal with the issues related to culture it is necessary to recognize this and discuss a solution reasonable to both of us.
I have been reading and watching these comments with interest. My wife has been discussing alot with you. Actually, i agree with her posts because i believe in “when in rome do as romans do”. If we are here in australia, as Japanese, we should follow the custom. So, my wife is right.
I think my wife has culture awareness, in fact, more than me, even i grew up in Japan. I think alot of Japanese are messed up, and i don’t think Japanese have great culture, in my opinion, it’s kind of fucked. I always say this. I just don’t agree with alot of things my people do.
When my wife and i went to Japan, my wife followed all culture so well, i was so proud of her, because she had attend university for 3 years, she knew more about polite culture than me. Even i’m Japanese, my family is not so traditional, so she taught me few things. And my parents love her because she speak Japanese with them well, and fit into my family so well.
I think if my wife had our kids in Japan she would follow the custom as far as she could, but it is ok to make your own new way. As husband and wife we have made our own new way of relationship, we don’t have to follow others.
Well that is just i wanted to say. That i don’t want kids sleeping in same bed with me anyway. I want kids having their own beds. My bed is for me and my wife.
to kelly
I have not missed your point I disagree with your point for the reasons I outline in my post.
I said;
“Understanding comes with patience, time and communication”
you said in your response;
“When i said that you would never relate to women i was talking about a depth of emotions.”
I strongly disagree, you then said
” i just see that certain things that women deal with in life, men will never experience, and therefore never truly understand. ”
With the exception of things physical, I see little to support this statement and it’s not that I am undermining that difference I just fail to see how it vastly separates us emotionally. Not to say I haven’t given it sufficient thought. Please feel free to highlight these differences if you will.
You then go on and say;
“Sure, as i have lived with my husband for just under 6 years, i can understand what my husband is thinking, just through knowing my husband, the way he acts, what he likes, i will know to a certain extent how i think he is going to think about something or react. But that is only through repetition, not because i understand exactly what he is thinking. He is the same with me.”
To start that opening statement sounds a lot like the result of “Understanding comes with patience, time and communication” knowing a person’s likes and dislikes is not what I am talking about, it’s deeper then that. Remember “it’s all about how vulnerable you can allow yourself to be to get that person to open up to you and expose themselves” We are talking about a relationship/marriage so this statement applies to both the man and the woman. No ones a mind reader if your inner deepest thought are locked away for fear no one will understand, the person might have the wrong reaction, you want them to understand without sying it or whatever other reasons exist you then no one possibly will understand you. It’s up to you and your spouse/companion to open proper lines of communication and talk about those feeling. And you should be able to make each other feel comfortable enough to do so.
My question to you, Are you saying woman have deep emotions once communicated, can’t be understood by men ?
“With the exception of things physical, I see little to support this statement”
I was stating my OPINION, i don’t have to give you evidence of it. You are not here for a conversation, only to steamroll my opinion.
In my relationship it’s not about vulnerability. My husband has seen that side of me, knows that side of me. We just have grown up in such different worlds, it will be years and years before we know each other to that depth. It’s not about letting someone get close to us, it’s about finding out about each other as the years go on. Neither of us is trying to make it hard for the other one, or trying to close ourselves off from each other.
“To start that opening statement sounds a lot like the result of “Understanding comes with patience, time and communication” knowing a person’s likes and dislikes is not what I am talking about, it’s deeper then that.”
Well that is my marriage you are talking about. And it works for us. And it’s deep enough for us.
“No ones a mind reader if your inner deepest thought are locked away for fear no one will understand, the person might have the wrong reaction, you want them to understand without sying it or whatever other reasons exist you then no one possibly will understand you. It’s up to you and your spouse/companion to open proper lines of communication and talk about those feeling. And you should be able to make each other feel comfortable enough to do so. ”
My deepest thoughts are not locked away. You see before i got married, i failed to tell my husband one very important thing that had happened to me, and scarred me for life. It affected our sexual relationship very bad, until i opened up to him and told him about it. My secret was revealed, the thing which i had told no one. My husband did not run away from me, he stayed with me, supported me and helped me through it. Every day is a challenge, but he is always there for me, supporting me. He made me realise it wasn’t my fault. I was the victim. My deepest thoughts my husband knows, my deepest fears, my husband already knows. We’ve already opened our lines to communication and we talk about our feelings.
However, the little things, the cultural ideas will always be different, sometimes known, sometimes unknown, in our relationship. I’m still learning about him every day, and i think i will keep learning new things about him every day until i die. And he will about me too, until the day he dies.
im married to a japanese man. we live with his entire family including grandparents, parents, siblings, etc… we are never alone together, we dont sleep in the same room and none of the doors (screens) in his house have locks (including the bathroom). before we were married we met and lived together in ny. it was a different story then. after i moved to japan with him i feel like i married a stranger. and i lost my entire life.
Hey Lost,
If you need to talk azumarisan(@)gmail.com email me.
I’m just wondering why you are all together in one house? Seems abit crowded, especially because i know how small Japanese houses are. Is there a reason for it? Did you agree to it?
Kelly
Hi Lost,
I’m sorry to hear things are so difficult for you. However, I wonder if your husband is any happier about the situation than you are. The Japanese prefer to suffer alone, so if he is miserable he may not discuss it with you.
It’s also possible that he sees the situation quite differently to you. He may see some positives to the situation that you don’t. Maybe he saw this situation coming for a long time and has prepared himself for it, but neglected to tell you (the Japanese are terrible at discussing expectations). If you could get him to talk about the situation, I’m sure you would learn some things that would surprise you, and hopefully help you find a way to improve your domestic situation.
– James
*Phew* I just finished reading everything. It had me hooked!
I’m a student of Japanese at University in my final year now having been in a couple of relationships with Japanese girls myself. As I’m far from knowledgeable about most of the finer points about frequency of sex and especially marriage, I’ll refrain from comment right now.
But one thing that did occur to me reading through this thread was the tendency to advocate communication as a means of resolving relationship issues. I, having been raised in Britain, also believe communication is crucial to the healthy functioning of a relationship, for resolving sexual differences and conveying feelings (although I realise that this is a very general statement to make). However, I have heard in the past and run into problems myself in the relationships I had that, as a generalisation, Japanese people tend not to be as direct and expressive as most Westerners. This point has also been iterated in this very thread.
Given then, that some Japanese people don’t feel comfortable, natural or immediately at ease with this Western-style of directing conveying one’s feelings, what is to say that direct and open communication is the best way to overcome the cultural differences that arise in international relationships? If Japanese people do not feel comfortable discussing their feelings and a certain amount of ishin-denshin (unspoken understanding) is expected by them, how might a Westerner better shift his or her focus to the Japanese way of ‘thinking’ – that is, the more indirect, passive method of understanding?
Is this even possible for a Westerner with only a moderate amount of understanding of Japanese society or is it absolutely necessary for Japanese people to ‘break out’ of their shell and learn to directly convey their feelings? In other words, can these sexual problems be alleviated without the need to resort to face-to-face conversations about them which many Japanese may find hard?
Well i have lived overseas and i feel that going back to japan i could not have relationship with japanese women because they play games. Of course they dont tell me what they really feel cuz its some big game to them. I like western women cuz they say what they mean and what they want. The time wasted playing games is too much. Cuz from my prespective ive dated japanese womenw hen i was home and it wasnt that good.
I think my people should open up and say what they mean its the time to do that. Wake up japan! i say. I guess though that japanese who dont go outside of japan will never wake up cuz they have such narrow view of the world they cant express themselves and who they are. I kinda look down on them cuz i feel sorry for them but i cant take that narrow minded view.
I’m happy to have r/ship with women outside of japan and i like to think i’m a little diff to the average japanese maybe it’s proud. But anyway i think if you try to figure out japanese women too much it will just do your head in, cuz they like playing games thats it.
I agree you have to communicate to work a relationship out and japanese are famous for not communiating and not having relationships work cuz of it. Anyway marriage in japan is not for love its cuz it’s expected. We got told long ago we dont have to love the person just marry them have kids do the expected way. I cant stand that way. I want to be with my love.
The last bullet point in the article (paraphrased, that some couples develop a brother-sister relationship that makes sex feel repulsive) had me shaking my head. My wife is Japanese, I’m American, and I’ve lost all interest in sex with her because I feel like she’s either a younger sister or a daughter (which frankly is how she behaves – not like a grown-up woman) so the idea of sex with her at this point is a real turn-off. She doesn’t feel that way but she also doesn’t do a good job at pretending she’s attracted to me. I think she just wants us to remember how to have sex so we remember how to do it when we want to have kids.
An interesting point Bill. I have a friend who is married to a Japanese woman in a similar situation. He describes their relationship as more like brother and sister and says all sexual flair has been lost. Their are many other possible contributing factors in their relationship from what I gather though, but it is saddening to hear what they are going through. I hope you can revive the passion in your relationship. Mitaboy claims to be knowledgeable on the subject – maybe you should contact him..?
When it comes to the issue of communication, I think both partners have to compromise a bit. It’s not possible for a westerner to adopt the Japanese way of relating in less than a couple of years, so the Japanese partner has to accept this. And the Western/other nationality partner has to understand that communicating openly goes against years of conditioning and is not going to be easy for a Japanese person. So you have to find a middle ground.
I agree with Komorisan, that Japanese people don’t communicate and that this ruins relationships. But what I have come to appreciate is how much you can communicate effectively without words, show them that you care rather than tell them. Which I think may be a more Japanese way of having a relationship.
Sexuality is not regarded as a positive thing in Japan. They are like 18th century Europe: sex is dirty, doing it makes you dirty, chastity is a virtue. Probably the reason for this is the propagation of pornography, because sex is not depicted at all in mainstream media. So people don’t get exposed to a lot of positive role models. Given how vile Japanese porn generally is it’s no wonder girls aren’t that interested in sex.
– James
james largely hit the nail on the head.
japanese women have a mixed hollywood tainted, sex and the city, knight in shining armor, white picket fence view of marriage and sex.
the communication starts before marriage. girls ask me what’s wrong if we aren’t having sex.
after marriage communication regarding sexual issues certainly is more difficult(if not impossible?)
what many western men fail to realize is that sex is more of a performance for japanese women. they DO NOT enjoy it nor need it at the same level as western women.
my email is available to anyone through the administrator
Interesting thoughts Mitaboy. May I ask you something? From what I gather from this thread, you are not yet married, but you say you have had lots of success pleasing women and make your expectations from the relatinship clear from the start.
If communicating about sexual issues is a lot more difficult or even impossible after marriage, how do you plan to avoid the common senario of sex going out the window after marriage? I know you said you would get divorced if your future wife stopped having sex with you on the level you want, but I’m supposing you would try to fix the problem first..?
Also, James, some interesting stuff. Just how far do you think it is possible for a Westerner/person of another nationality to adopt the ‘Japanese’ way of communiating? And if it is possible, how much do you think constitutes a healthy marriage in terms of open communication? As in, just how much open communication is necessary to avoid stagnation in a relationship? Difficult questions, I know, but I’d like to hear what you think.
tremor
have yet to have sexual issues because i’m really direct about my sexual desires very early in the relationship. in most cases BEFORE we’ve had sex the first time, and certainly by the third sexual encounter. feel free to modify the following as you deem fit.
please do not ask why it works. i charge for that information.
the wording is very specific. change at your own risk.
[many japanese girls are fun to be with, like new experiences, almost willing to try anything. many american girls are not so open-minded.
but many or most Japanese girls are not that good at sex, some are just horrible.probably most japanese women are not good at sex because many japanese men are soooooo bad. but i still have to be careful about that. especially because i’m not a selfish person. japan’s population is shrinking because people are not enjoying sex, sex make babies, very simple logic.
american men are used to sex 3 – 5 times a week. japanese girls 1 – 2 times – maybe. for many american women, if the sex is not good women will leave their men.]
the bar has been set. those that are not interested are instantly weeded out. i suspect, but i don’t know because i’m not married that as the bar has been set the japanese woman isn’t likely to change. if she did for other than health reasons i would leave, period. i stae as much in my relationships and have done so on one occasion. as i’ve stated earlier they ask me when the sexual frequency goes down. then again i spend considerable pleasing them, it is almost like a drug.
the pleasure part. sorry, i charge for that information too, but the information is free on the internet. the “why?”of the above text isn’t available on the internet. i use the “why it works?” in various aspects of a relationship and it does work.
i counsel on this all the time. western men make mistakes BEFORE they get into the relationships with japanese women. the mistakes generally occur because japanese women satisfy needs and desires that many western(american) men had not had success in having fulfilled in america. japanese women can do so at a minimal level because many of the men had sub-par to very few relationships in america. please note i’m using many men, not most men, though from empirical observations i can think i can say most. my expectations of women were forged in america. i just altered my approach to account for cultural perceptions when i came to japan.
forgive the mistakes (:_;)
I think that communication in any culture is largely a matter of symbols, little cliches that convey a lot of information. And you can pick these up simply by involving yourself in the culture, by reading books and watching movies. It’s hard and it’s a slow business, but it can be done. I like reading books and watching movies so I don’t see it as a chore. I can’t say I’ve achieved a great level of success, but on the other hand I’ve come a long way. And the more effort you make at communicating with your partner, the more you build up a level of shared understanding that is quite independant of cultural differences.
I doubt many Japanese are very good at explaining things like this, but if you learn to ask the right questions, you can get a lot out of talking to people too.
It’s a very good question as to how much open communication is necessary. I guess it depends on you, really. What do you want out of your relationship and how much can you compromise before the relationship stops being viable. The more secure you feel in the relationship, the less communication you need. I think there is a natural sort of entropy that causes people to drift apart, so the minimum is what is necessary to counteract this.
– James
Thanks for the replies.
Mitaboy>> Interesting theories. I hope you are right about the bar having been set before a relationship. I have always been pretty open about what I want and tried to satisfy my girlfriend’s needs too, but it’s difficult to know if I’m getting everything right. I think that, as other people have also noted, perhaps the frequency of sex declines naturally as we get older, regardless of culture. Of course, this will vary between people too, so I think (and hope) it’s a matter of good communication about one another’s needs very early on. You mention ‘before’ the relationship. I have never been as forward as to tell someone I’m interested in just how much sex I would like before, but I make it pretty clear soon afterwards my needs. I wonder, do you think notion of telling it before the ‘kokuhaku’ begins is gravely important, or is it more important just to be clear early on?
James>> Good points. It puzzles and perplexes me how situations where couples have these problems arise though. I’m somewhat idealistic I realise, but wouldn’t open communication throughout the relationship solve these sorts of problems? I realise there are probably things after marriage that occur that one cannot forsee, but surely issues of sex and the frequency of it, expectations and possible problems like sex and pregnancy will (and arguably should) be discussed long before marriage even occurs..?
tremor: I wonder, do you think notion of telling it before the ‘kokuhaku’ begins is gravely important, or is it more important just to be clear early on?
gravely – not so ominous but very important. my opinion, early on is too late unless you can handle her unwillingness or perhaps leaving the situation totally. i’m 52, while i do realize age is a factor in sexual frequency my expectation is 3 – 5 times a week and i try to date those women that are physically capable. that is to say 25 to 25 year old women.
That is very intersting article and makes me think about the turning point that we Japanese guys have to alter attitude toward women.
I am Japanese guy; however, I have been spending most of the time in the States lately and am pretty sure that I am totally different from typical Japanese men…am lot Americanized.
When I went back to Japan for the first time in three years, it was very weird to me that men expected women to obey them. In my office, a few men treated women like things. Probably, they could be only satisfied with taking over women, and that gives them a kind of dignity and confidence as a man. Of course, every Japanese guy is NOT like them, and some Non-Japanese guys also treat women like a pig.
I do not mean either the way Japanese guys behave toward women or the way American do is good or bad because of cultural differences. However, Who in the world expect women to be his kind of slave? Lol We are in 2008.
As the time goes by, things have to be changed.
Btw,I’d like you to read the book “Tuesdays with Morrie” and “Who moved my cheese”
I bet it WILL change your life.
Take care you guys!
Kelly-
I stop responding because talking to you is pointless, I’m talking about relationships not your marriage. We may cover some of that in our conversation but remember what the overall topic/subtopic is, this isn’t or rather should not have been personal. I’ll make this my last post on the subject as I have nothing left to say, it’s already been well said. If you could read my post a bit more objectively instead of subjectively we could have had a nice conversation, but because of the latter you misunderstood a lot. Anyway I am happy you are in a happy marriage the world needs more happiness.
MrLovaLova (Kelly-) –
Ditto. I also hope that unrelated stuff finishes soon.
I have been watching with bewilderment… It made me a bit unwell (kind of
if someone moved my house very close to a busy highway) and I have stopped
reading this forum (evacuated I guess) for a couple of months.
How much less subtle can that message be.
Hope that is it.
I don’t see how it’s “unrelated”, we were talking about sex in marriage, and japanese-westerner marriage.
You mean it’s unrelated because you think that western guys with Japanese women are exclusive?
You can hint all you like subtly or unsubtly, i have as much right as you to post my thoughts on this forum and i’m going to continue to do so.
Mitaboy says “what many western men fail to realize is that sex is more of a performance for japanese women. they DO NOT enjoy it nor need it at the same level as western women.”, okay so why don’t you just get over it then? If you know this before you get into a relationship, you basically have the operating manual then don’t you. If you don’t think that is a good relationship for you, just don’t have a relationship with Japanese women, find a different nationality, preferably one that likes sex. Or, find a mistress to feed your sexual needs and have a Japanese wife for your status or whatever it is you find good about them. I don’t agree with it, i think basically, you guys that are having problems and seem to keep talking about it but doing nothing is just going around and around in circles without ever solving the problem, it’s a little bit stupid. If you think you can never change the situation and don’t do anything about it, surely divorce is the only answer. You can’t change the person’s personality or their culture, so what are you going to do about it? Change yourself to suit their needs or cut all ties.
i have been reading sitting here reading lots of potsts for the past couple of hours, and i have to say i find it astonishing how some posters here openly say that they’ve had a relationship for 10 or more years and during all that time, felt that their sex life was going downhill….i mean that’s just outrageous to me. how on earth could you be in a relaotionship for so long and accept this type of thing? i would go absolutely insane.
so, can we confirm that japanese women are less interested in sex than ppl from the west? i sortof refuse to believe that, since i think all women in the world want an equal amount of sex really. but that’s my view of it.
also, i noticed that some posters find sex with their wives every month, or every 3 months or whatever, to be not enough. i think it depends on the person him/herself. i would personally find sex 3-5 times a week quite a lot actually. perhaps once a week, or once every few weeks would be good. however, it does also depend on the circumstances you’re in i think. like, im not saying i would ‘always’ want to have an equal amount of sex every week or whatever. i think it should come naturally, whether sometimes its two times a week during one period or once a month during the next.
i did also have some suggestions. what if a couple, who is married, has kids and obligations etc. wants more time for themselves, just went on a short vacation a couple of times a year? we’re talking a few days, a week at most. that way the husband and wife could spend some romantic time together, and have some nice loving again. and while they are gone during that period, the parents could leave the kids at their parents’ house. how would that work?
or do you think that my views are much too western, and could never work in japan?
finally, may i say that i find that after reading all these posts, i find getting married to a japanese woman quite frightening now. there was one post above that suggested that japanese women believe they have been completely educated by the time they are 23, and thus dont see the need to change themselves at all, whereas we from the west (or i am at least) are always open for change and new learning, rather than conservatism…
This is related to the topic, though not identical to the stories here. In any case, it’s my story. When I was living in America, in college, I dated and lived with a fellow student from Japan. She was 26 and I was 22. I was at the time a very romantic person, like an artist and kind of a dreamer. We had a great connection. We loved, we shared, we laughed, we cried, everything. For those three years or so, it was kind of like being married without actually being married. I felt it was a kind of evaluation time to see if we would do well as a married couple, and I think she had similar thoughts, at least for some of the time. About sex, I was surprised that she was a virgin at 26. It seemed really uncommon, but it felt special to both of us. There are a lot of personal memories that go along with this, which was the core of the relationship. In a sense, we kind of grew up together. From the start, we had sex basically anytime. Day, night, didn’t matter. We both communicated well about it and understood exactly how to satisfy each other in that way. Over time though, I think I made a serious error — maybe because I was young, I don’t know — but over time her desire for sex became less and less frequent. Really, I could have, and should have, met her half way and not insisted on having sex all the time when she didn’t particularly want to. When I think back on it, the goal shouldn’t have been something like “maximize orgasms” — I mean, that’s really kind of trite compared to the other, deeper intimacy that we shared. Because of this, when I suggested that we marry, she cried and said “I can’t do this anymore.” I think she loved me as much as I loved her, and I just wore her out with too many demands for sex. There was also a lot of stress toward the end: work, finances, her visa about to run out kind of forced a decision one way or another. She moved back to Tokyo, resolved though I think with a heavy heart, and I was crushed. Everything just crumbled in my life. I soon lost my job, got into drugs for a while, just lost my integrity. We still kept in touch by phone because over the time we had been so close to each other that it was just bizarre to be apart. At that point, I had pretty much hit rock bottom and was overwhelmed with thoughts of resolving the situation and getting back to the way things were when it was good. Unexpectedly, her parents invited me to visit the family in Japan, saying they wanted to repay the favor that I had taken her on a vacation to Santa Fe. I think her parents basically agreed with me that we could have worked it out and made our way into married life, as soul mates. She tells me her mother said as much, and it was a point of contention between them. I was not emotionally prepared for the visit, at all. I had some kind of shock reaction to everything, and literally was unable to sleep. I ended up awake for nine days straight and more or less lost my grip on reality from the severe sleep deprivation. It was awful. I don’t actually remember much from that vacation. Fragments. I had a photo album of me doing things in Japan that I really don’t remember — riding a rickshaw through a bamboo forest, smiling in front of a waterfall, eating some kind of fish, etc. Anyway, I don’t want to veer off discussing those troubles. It took years to get over, I’ll leave it at that. Having invested so much time in learning Japanese in preparation for what I expected would be a marriage, I felt like it would all be wasted if I just brushed it away. So I decided to come to Japan on my own and see where it leads. Since then, I’ve made the mistake of trying to recreate the same relationship — a terrible mistake, because every person is unique. That’s the whole point. Now that I’m living in Japan, I look back on this and hardly recognize my old self sometimes. I’ve straightened out in a lot of ways, become more responsible, etc. But it took the first year to get beyond the compulsion to have sex with people who reminded me of my ex-girlfriend. I really regret that way of living, that way of regarding people. I went to so many sex shops, mindlessly, and this is the part of me that did not “straighten out” until after a year. It hit me like a bullet to realize, what the hell have I become? This all started with love and a desire to be married and have that union, so how did it end up with meaningless sex? I’ve decided to try another year here, living a clean life. It has been interesting to read this discussion about marriage and sex among Japanese people and (often) people from other nations. Particularly because it was the very situation I wanted more deeply than my words can express. If what I wrote makes you want to say something, I would appreciate sincere and civil feedback. Thank you for your time.
“Really, I could have, and should have, met her half way and not insisted on having sex all the time when she didn’t particularly want to.”
this lesson was learned not to worry
“the goal shouldn’t have been something like “maximize orgasms””
whose orgasms, yours or hers?
Mitaboy, thanks. Yes, it’s ironic that we really learn lessons only after the fact. In any case…
I wrote, “the goal shouldn’t have been something like “maximize orgasms””
You asked, “whose orgasms, yours or hers?”
Both. Over time as we told each other what one another likes, it was very easy to reach the top. I cared a lot about her enjoyment — and it’s stimulating to see anyway. It was kind of just obvious that if she came first, we’d both be satisfied, so that worked out well. In retrospect, I think the problem was just wanting to do it pretty much any time all the time. For me, that was a perfectly sensible desire at the time, and for her it was just too often. As for learning from it, I don’t think it makes much sense to look for someone who is into constant sex. While that would be cool — while I’d also like eternal youth and boundless intellect and winning the lottery — it just isn’t the basis anymore. The love was more important, enough so that I’d rather adapt to the frequency of sex that most women seem to need, and just enjoy a good life.
From reading all of this, I don’t know where the right person to date and probably marry will be from. If it clicks here in Japan, that’s great, and if not, that’s fine. Sometimes I’d rather that nothing works out until something right works out. Maybe she’ll be from Texas, maybe from Tokyo, I can’t just presuppose it.
Wow, that’s an incredible story, Mark. It seems that even though you couldn’t control what was going on, you still had some pretty clear insights into it. Probably you came out of the situation stronger than you went into it. Thanks for sharing.
Excellent article and I think that the role that children play in rendering their parents sexless can’t be emphasized enough. Many kids sleep with the folks until an age that would be unacceptable in the west, and still manage to sneak into the folks’ bed whenever they wake up in the middle of the night. I would chalk it up to an innate Japanese sense of “loneliness” and longing to have someone always around them.
Our kids did this for a while, but I finally had to put my foot down and march them back into their own beds each time they tried to invade ours. It was really cutting into our sex life and I saw the writing on he wall when the wifey sighed with a “shiyou ga nai” and resigned that we would just have to largely put sex on hold until the kids got a little older. You can imagine my dismay at that comment!
Often I frequent local bars and talk to many Japanese ladies…all on a “friends” basis of course. The recurring them that I hear again and again is how the husband is too busy and never pays much attention to the wife. Being the curious guy that I am, I always find an innocent way to extract more information from them about the relationship and if often comes up that the wife is neglecting the “duties of a wife”, which puts everything in perspective for me. While I’m not trying to limit the fault of the husband in the relationship, what I’ve found by and large is that the wife goes to bed early (she gets up early to get the kids off to school, etc) and the husband doesn’t get home until 9-10 pm-ish. The ones that I’ve got to open up about their sex lives flat out tell me that they reject hubby’s advances most of the time as they’re too tired to humor him.
Funny thing is, that most of them admit that after a while that the husband just stopped trying. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that he’s probably found another outlet and doesn’t see the need to beg the wife for sex anymore.
Alternatively, if you’re single perhaps you should consider patterning your love life after this guy:
http://tinyurl.com/996ref
rather than going down the marriage route. These “girl friends” never say no. wink wink
Percy, I bet if your wife knew you were out chatting to married ladies about their sex lives she wouldn’t be happy about it! What a cheek you have.
Why is it automatically the woman’s fault that the marriage is sexless because she’s tired from making your obento in the morning and getting kids off to school plus cooking dinners and putting kids to bed? Could it be too hard for you to try to get home earlier or initiate it at another appropriate time?
As a Japanese woman who has an American boyfriend, and gone through reading all these comments, it has actually put me off western guys. If they only think about themselves and about sex all the time….i don’t want any part of it. I can see why these women just let it be and say “shou ga nai” to a sexless marriage. This kind of situation only validates a woman to be good enough for sex, and puts sex on a pedestal above every other experience in a relationship.
To insist that because of a wife’s daily routine, a man would go out and have an affair is preposterous and obviously it is the man’s fault because he is susceptible to that kind of activity BEFORE the marriage or relationship occured. Don’t put your short comings onto your wife because of a situation. If sex was all that mattered to you, don’t have kids, use a condom! Otherwise hire a prostitute who is there 7 days 24 hours to satisfy you.
Okay, i get that this topic is about sexless marriages, and i agree that i have a lot of friends that say they have them, but none of their Japanese husbands make them feel like they are the ones who caused it or make them feel low because of it. The way the western guys on this forum go on, it just seems like they keep telling each other it’s the woman’s fault, if she doesn’t do X then man will go elsewhere. As far as i’m concerned, the women who have bf’s/husbands such as these would be better off without them.
I and many other Japanese women do not want to be with guys with a one-track mind.