With maid cafes where pretty young girls that ooze submissiveness to their “masters”, and “shuccho health” (出張ヘルス, basically, dial-a-prostitute) and soap-lands (sensual bathing houses with soapy special service) to vending machines for porn, and specialty shops with used high school girl underwear; Japan, at least on the surface appears one of the most sexually proactive nations in the world. Japanese men are as perverted (if not more perverted) than those in other countries, and as for the ladies, on top of being naturally feminine (with petite sexy bodies, skin that doesn’t seem to change complexion from childhood, pretty faces and silky black hair), the women of Japan have no misconceptions about what style – clothes, perfume and make up – makes a man stop in his tracks, and rouse that tingle in his loins.
When interacting with others, sex and everything surrounding it is fair game for a topic of conversation in Japan and, it is certainly not frowned upon by religious groups or society at large as it is in the USA and other countries. When it comes to secreting sexual hormones and sexuality in general, almost nothing is taboo in Japan – until that is, the day one gets married, or so it seems. Indeed in stark sexual contrast, Japan may be suffering from a sexual drought, where being totally open about sex and being sexy in general, doesn’t seem to be converted into the ins-and-outs of baby making when it comes to married couples.
Shown in these statistics, a recent survey by Japan’s health ministry found that as many as one-third of all marriages in Japan are sexless. The problem is now so widespread that the government fears it is a major contributor to the dramatic plunge in Japan’s birthrate (now only 1.28 births per woman). This sexless phenomenon is not only found in those relationships that are plunging down the drain toward divorce, but to the contrary, more and more couples that consider themselves healthily married (and have no intention of separating), have not had sex with each other in the last month or more (the common definition of “sexless” in Japan), with many saying that they have not had sex together in the last 6 months to one year.
According to the most recent survey of 41 nations last October, the average Japanese has intercourse 45 (and according to Bayer Pharmaceuticals as low as 17) times a year, compared with the global average of 103. Japan is repeatedly at the bottom of the list. Last year it trailed Singapore, which was 28 shags a year higher!
The term “sexless”, was first used in Japan in the early 1990s, but now is instantly recognizable to the Japanese as a universally understood concept, and widely discussed in the media. There are books on the subject and thousands websites and heartbreaking blogs discussing sexless Japan, while letters on the subject fill agony columns on “dear doctor”-type sites.
One in five sexless couples say they view sex simply as a nuisance. A small number cite the lack of a private space, because children or elderly parents often sleep just the other side of a paper-thin door, leading many married couples to even sleep in separate rooms. Mitsui Home announced recently in an Asahi Newspaper article, that in 30% of the new houses they build, the couples are asking for 2 “master” bedrooms. This is a shocking statistic, which shows that sexless couples want to continue living their lives together – separately! “We are sort of room-mates rather than a married couple”, one 31-year-old man, who had not had sex with his wife for two years, told the Asahi Shinbun.
There are many other theories about why the Japanese become less inclined to raunchy evenings in the sack together, but likely it is a mixture of some of these:
- Stress of work/life in Japan (maybe the taihen cloud?)
- Lack of understanding, and usage of contraception, especially “the pill” (who wants to use condoms with their wife!?), making sex with your wife viable only when you want to have a baby
- Abundance of 不倫 (furin, or extra-marital) relationships
- More and more Japanese women choosing career over family
- A tendency among Japanese married couples to feel an aversion to sex with their spouse, not because they dislike one another, but rather because they feel that they have more of a sister-brother relationship; the sanctity of which would be destroyed with a repulsive incest-like feeling, by what westerners would consider normal conjugal relations
The last point is an interesting one, as in the past, it has been traditionally Japanese women who complained that they couldn’t see their hubby “as a member of the opposite sex.” But in the last few years, there’s been an exponential increase in men who can’t view their wives as sexual partners either. While it is true that many Japanese married couples seem to be sexless in nature, they key thing to remember is that this certainly does not mean that they lack the desire for sexual fulfillment. While marriage and children may bring on a sex drought in the home, Japanese people who want (and in the case of most men, need) sex do not simply abstain from sex because they cannot see the feminine qualities in their own wife, or the sexual attraction of their hard working husband.
Japanese men love their companies; they live for work, and many don’t even think it is a problem if they don’t have sex with their wives. They have pornography and the sex industry (soap lands, cabaret bars, and dial-a-girl services, and trips to Taiwan) to take care of their needs, but their wives have nowhere to go. They just suffer in silence.. or do they? The divorce rate in Japan has nearly doubled in the past 10 years, with more women blaming their sexually inactive, as opposed to sexually errant, husbands for break-ups. Though they may not be seeking sexual pleasure from their better halves, married Japanese women are seeking intimacy from other sources (many even claim to have a sex addiction), leading double lives – being the good mother, while at the same time seeking out “Leroy” the lover, who is always lurking, and ready to fulfill her every desire.
Japan is full of temptation, and it doesn’t matter whether you are a housewife or salary-man, there is plenty of raunchy action waiting out there – if that is what you desire. Furin sites to find a (extra marital) “sex friend” partner are just as rampant in Japan as in other countries, however they are much more widely used by women in Japan to solve their sexless quandaries. For the more conservative ladies, sites like mixi.jp – which are neutrally classed as “social networking” spaces – are abound with profiles (men and women) looking for partners to secretly spruce up their sexless, but otherwise happily married lives.
Many Japanese marriages may be sexless, but this is only a statistic about the state of sex within marriage itself. In fact, there may be a good reason for the sexless condition of marriages here – Are the Japanese getting enough of the good stuff outside their marriages to keep them happy? I certainly think so.
Japanese people will never be sexless as individuals; therefore Japan is not sexless, so don’t let mere statistics confuse the situation!
(If you are married in Japan, or married to a Japanese, let us know what you think of “Sexless Japan” by leaving a comment below!)
thank you mitaboy
i always do the first move but he always reject my invitation, he always sayin that he is not in condition (tired) but one day i go to my friend house and im back he sleeping and when i see the pc theres a lot of porn video he watched and the evidence(tissue) that he do masturbation to himself,
i dont understand why he need to that way supposedly im here and very open what he want,
and last night i talked to him about this he doesnt want to listen to me and insted he said this a normal to a guy and he always do this before we met, and he told me that its not normal to a married girl to ask about sex and also he said that girls do also masturbation which i really hate…
im tired thinkin of we have a diifrent culture, religion…
im young and i want to enjoy it with my only love,
and one thing he very sweet person, kind everthing and i know that he loves me
but only one thing he always not give me a (sex)
pls anwer me mitaboy
thanks, godbless
jen
“i know that he loves me but only one thing he always not give me a (sex)”
IF he loves you… sex should not be an issue.
1) how long have you been married?
2) how frequent has sex ever been?
3) do you work?
4) do you have children?
5) what kind of work does he do?
6) how many days a week does he work?
7) when does he get home?
8) what are his hobbies?
9) how often does he indulge in his hobbies?
10) how often is he out with friends?
please answer all 10 questions
jen,
sorry
the happy face is a mistype
1) we married for almost 2 years
2) once in a month
3) presently im not working.. last december i decide to resign to have quality time for him.
4) dont have yet
5) he work in car company (mechanical enginneer)
6) 5 to 6 times a week
7) he always at time going home,
his hobbies is pc, psp, manga (kind of anime book)
9) almost everyday
10) never, he dont want to out with his friends, actually he has only one friend
jen,
once a month is low even for japanese couples
1) in your other relationships, how often did you have sex?
2) why did you get married?
please DO NOT say because i loved him. give me details.
3) what time does he come home everyday 5:00pm? 10:00pm?
please answer all questions
1) im my other relationship atleast once or twice a week
2) we met in a club then he starting courting me for 3 months we go out in nice place, he always want me suprise (place, gift etc.) then he prupose on me to become his wife and i say yes, i enjoy the first 4 months of our relationship we are active(once a week) but it changes, i dont know why? we dont have big quarrel but sometime we argue
i alway cook for him and preparing his hot-bath evrything in the house that wife do.
to define him very caring,sweet until now but one thing i dont really understand is about sex, he dont want to talk about it, he say we have the right time and the right mood, but he always dont have it,
he always on time around 7:00-7:15 pm
jen
1) had you had sex with your husband BEFORE you got married?
2) if yes, how often?
3) if yes, where? his home or a love hotel?
4) was he your first japanese lover?
5) if no, how frequently did you have sex with previous japanese lovers?
6) VERY IMPORTANT: was sex usually at the lovers home or hotel?
please study all the answers you’ve given
1) yes
2)before once or twice aweek
3) home and love hotel too..
4)no, hes my second time japanese bf
5)one to twice a week
6) both of it my bf homes and sometimes in a hotel
jen,
my guess is that you did not study the nature of japanese dating and sexuality BEFORE you got married.
1) did you know that statistically japanese people are ranked among the lowest in annual sexual contact? somewhere around 50 times a year and it drops SHARPLY after marriage.
japanese women often say that men marry mothers and maids. you are not a mother yet…
2) if you knew the above why did you think your married life would be different?
do you mean its normal here , and i have to admit it?
(i really thank you for the advice it would help alot for me)
jen
in all of my relationships with japanese women i tell them of my sexual expectations within the first two to three weeks of our relationship. my sexual expectation is three – four times a week. IF it falls below that and i decide to leave i’ve already told them in advance. it is not a surprise. quite frankly, most japanese women are hard pressed to even enjoy sexual contact at even two to three times a week. this is in part due to performance issues with japanese men.
also keep in mind that many japanese people ascribe more importantance to their employer than their home or dating life.
i’m writing an article on sexual expectations and may post a link if the administrator doesn’t mind.
now that i understand living life here is different, yes i dont need to wait( just wasting my time)
im planning to work next month it think it would help me because it make me bussy.
i love my husband so i have to respect him and his decision
i hope that i can read your article about sexual expectation,
and i really thank you for the advice
godbless,
jen 🙂
What makes mitaboy the xpert. Hes not even married to a Japanese.
It’s wrong what he says. There are alot of Japanese married couples enjoying sex frequently.
I’ve been married for 10 years to my aussie hubs and we have sex many times per week because we love each other and both enjoy it. plus he’s slow and makes pleasuring me his interest. We bothf ind new ways to pleasure each other. Sometimes i get a book from the library that tells me how to different ways of pleasuring. It’s good fun!
We also sometimes to strip shows together or watch porn. I am happy with him. He respects me and I respect him and we love ach other deeply.
Some of my friends are married to aussie guys and they have the same relationship as i do with mine. Mitaboy is stereotyping us into a category, he doesnt know what he’s talking about.
Mariko
There is no need to ACCEPT what I say.
no one has to.
one may do government or private sector research to verify what has been stated. i’ve not only done research but have had researchers speak directly to me.
it is true that research can be skewed. however, there is overwhelming ‘evidence’ that is supposedly based on acceptable research practices that would confirm the statements made.
you may be one of many,” We also sometimes to strip shows together or watch porn” congratulations! but the sample of which you may represent is not the majority of the ‘japanese people who-have-sex’ population. (^_^)//
check it for yourself.
AUSSIEBOB COMES CLEAN!!!!
Hello All,
Just having a bit of a laugh with you guys. I borrowed some picks from another forum on collectables and joined it up with my Japanese wife.
Trying to get a few laughs…
But you guys seem to be too interested in criticising somebody’s hobby because you can’t afford this type of stuff.
Personally I am not of the view a relationship can be bought. I am who I am.
Mind you…. my Japanese wife does give me the shits at times…..
Why am I not surprised?
This has been an insightful discussion at its best. At least when people aren’t trying to stir things up.
Things Have Improved Greatly…
——————————————————————————–
Hello,
Since I had a talk to my wife – AFTER MUCH ADVICE FROM THIS SUPPERB FORUM – …. things have improved.
I did not mention the word “SEX” once…. what I said was “you don’t seem to have any time to kiss and cuddle me anymore…” “you act like a prude when I try and touch you…..”
I told her “I am not going to put up with this lack of contact for more than 6 months…. 6-12 months and I am divorced from you if things continue like this….”
I also told her “I am really pissed off how you always have time to clean up crap around the house but you do not have time to spend with me….what is more important…. you can giving me signals that I should really be looking for a nice chinese mistress (the japanese hate the chinese!)”
I LAID DOWN THE LAW …. very nicely…. I did not mention former Thai hookers/freelancers/prostitutes etc…… I just addressed the issue and asked for what is mine.
I also told my wife “now you can see why so many Japanese men marry filipas (philopinos) and thais…. Japanese girls are as loving as a plastic dolphin bought from Seaworld….. I hope you understand why they do this….”
SEX IS BACK TO NORMAL…. Hugging, kissing and fondling have all gone through the roof. I have had sex 5 of the last 7 days…….
LESSON TO MEMBERS HERE – DEMAND WHAT IS YOURS, DO NOT PUT UP WITH A LACK OF SERVICE, BE POLITE BUT FIRM IN YOUR NEGOTIATIONS, NEVER BE AFFRAID TO WALK IF SHE WONT DO THE DEAL!
DO NOT ASK FOR SEX….. JUST START A SESSION BY REMOVING HER CLOTHES AND KISSING HER!!!!
I don’t believe a word you say, after you posted the stuff below above.
[quote]AUSSIEBOB COMES CLEAN!!!!
Hello All,
Just having a bit of a laugh with you guys. I borrowed some picks from another forum on collectables and joined it up with my Japanese wife.
Trying to get a few laughs…
But you guys seem to be too interested in criticising somebody’s hobby because you can’t afford this type of stuff.
Personally I am not of the view a relationship can be bought. I am who I am.
Mind you…. my Japanese wife does give me the shits at times…..[/quote]
Pitting races against each other is a game for you isn’t it? You just want to get her back up so she gives into your sex games. She’s probably better without you.
Advice to AussieBob: Go read “The Boy Who Cried Wolf”. And then stop posting here, you have worn out your welcome.
James – why don’t you just F*CK to the rock you crawled out of?
Nobody gave you the authority to speak for this mass of sex-starve gaijen!
I married 2 years back after in love for almost 2 years. We both are in our late 20s. We had understanding to have sex only after marriage. Before and after marriage till date we never had sex and many times I talked to her about how I feel going through without sex. We love each other very much and we both don’t have any other problems besides this one. Every time she just avoids it or a kind of excuse is made. She is busy with her works which I understand. I tried my best but she never understood and refused to take counseling. I don’t understand what is good to do. Even if there’s cultural differences this should not happen I think. Could anyone give some ideas so that I can save my marriage.
Hello Coolguy,
I can really sympahise with you… HOWEVER …. it is like buying a car without a test drive first….
Once you have signed the paperwork…. you are kind of stuck – without alot of pain and suffering.
See – you would only know after a test drive if you want a larger engine….. leather seats and/or a sunroof.
Unfortunately you have bought and now it is much more expensive to fit upgrades than originally when choosing…..
OK – HOW DO WE FIX THIS MESS?
1) COMMUNICATION – You need to talk to your partner about this problem. If she evades the topic you need to SAY ….. “Darling, I want to talk to you about a serious problem. If you do not listen to me we will be divorced within 6 months. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?….. I want to talk about our sex life and I want you to know I am very pissed off with the current situation. NOW – I WANT TO DISCUSS THIS SERIOUSLY WITH YOU.” Be firm, polite but strong. The Japanese love a strong guy (never never use violence however). You need to tell her what is wrong.
2) Create a YOUTUBE clip telling her what is wrong…… Don’t use your photo or mention surnames etc…. but put together a clip and tell her to watch it. Be polite and nice…. BUT – GET YOUR POINT ACCROSS.
3) Buy some good books on “lovemaking” …. not porn or crap like that….. BUT TRUE LOVEMAKING…. A classsic is “THE JOY OF SEX” …… get her to read it…..
4) Schedule time for each other…. date each other…. schedule time for TALKING, LAUGHNG, PLAYING and F_CKING!
5) If nothing works…. LEAVE! You can’t stay with a “dead fish” forever……
Man, Aussie Bob I think your a fuckin dick head.
But that’s only my opinion, I’m sure the rest of the forum thinks you’re a really nice guy.
Also I think you have a underlying anger issue.
You abused the last guy that told you that your not wanted.
I agree with him, however I think everyone else is too normal and to polite to say so.
The Japanese way is to suffer fools, ha ha but I don’t even believe that you have a Japanese wife, and if you did I really pity her.
I think your a lonely person with hate in your heart and you’re only here to try and relieve your own anguish in your own twisted way.
My advice for you – (although we already the kind of reply we’ll get from you) is to give a little love not criticism or hate.
Prove me right bob. We’d all love to hear it.
Aussie
Thanks for advice. Would see what the near future turns to.
Hi Mitaboy and all,
I am glad that I have come across this lively discussion.
Let me introduce myself and get to the point, I am just start to date a japanese girl and we had sex for the first time 2 days ago, but it seems that she is not quite satisfied with my performance, she told me that I haven’t do a good job in foreplay or warming up before getting into real penetration, which cause in I cum first before she did. I have to admit, honestly I am still an amateur in sex because before I had sex with my japanese girlfriend, I only had sex twice with my american girlfriend and yet she didn’t say anything, maybe because she was a quiet and submissive type of person.
So the point is, she told me to improve my foreplay skills so the next time we meet and have sex again, she hope I can satisfy her enough and make her cum, preferably many times.
I have no idea of doing this, so, mitaboy, after I read your posts, especially #49, point 2, above, I think you could help me because you seems to have some experience in foreplay and how to make your women cum before you so she could get satisfied and wants it more in the future. Please guide me and tell me how….I am so depressed and stressed here because we will meet again on the weekend and I have to be able to satisfy her through foreplay first but I have no idea how to make her cum.
Please enlighten me up, help me. As maybe the advice may sounds explicit or raunchy in this public discussion board, can you please e-mail me privately to apadulu@yahoo.com
I would really appreciate it a lot!! Thank you for your help in advance!
aaron
interesting. displaying your email address for ALL to see leads me to believe your post is not genuine. a very careful search of forums that deal specifically with japanese women will lead you to me. gOOd luck
mitaboy,
I am sorry, I want to assure and clarify one thing that I am real, I am just desperately need help quickly and I don’t know what should I do because I even didn’t see that there is any option to send you a personal message! pardon me for my silliness. I am new in this forum, I don’t know how it works….I found it when browsing around, and I really like this forum because when I read all the responses, I found that I am not the only one who had a sex problem. This thing made me stressed and desperate as I also have my own pride as a guy, I hope you understand what I meant.
So please…..I ask for your kind help. How can I contact you by personal message, I am green in here and don’t know anything, and I am not a tech-savvy person. Tell me what should I do so I could be able to consult with you privately. Thank you very much for your kind help in advance.
aaron
you should have contacted the administrator. it puzzles me why anyone would post their email address on a PUBLIC forum for spammers to retrieve.
somtimes i am very caustic…
THAT WAS unbelievably STUPID!
stupidity is a disease.
i run from it.
desperation and stupidity a bad and unbelievable conbination in 2009
you are kiiling me with your poor attempts at humor. i don’t think you’d survive in stand-up
best of luck you
Mitaboy,
Sorry I didn’t know that. I am not stupid, I just need guidance and enlightenment. Please help me, I believe you are a kind guy.
Administrator, can you please tell him my new e-mail address here? or if you could tell mitaboy’s e-mail address so I can consult him.
Thank you very much again.
aaron
ha hah ha
“I just need guidance and enlightenment. Please help me, I believe you are a kind guy.”
now you sound like young, droopy eyed, religious cult, knife behind the back informant.
now that is funny!
read the post again, ‘should have’, past tense.
NO! you may not contact me through the administrator.
i’ll not respond to any more posts
mitaboy,
I don’t understand why you are being so negative and mean to me, I just want to ask for your help, that’s all. And I already apologize because I made a stupid mistake by displaying my e-mail address in public due to my lack of knowledge of the rules in this forum. Fortunately the e-mail address that I put on here before is not my man/primary e-mail address, because I am afraid of spam too so I thought I post my substitute e-mail address in here first and then tell you my primary e-mail address after that on the e-mail. Now that I change my e-mail address to primary one when I was writing this, can you please kindly help me? I am really need your help before I meet my girlfriend on this weekend.
Please help me, and I would appreciate that. Thank you so much.
Aaron
Hi Aaron,
I’m not sure this is the right place or people to be asking about help with your sex life, but for what it’s worth, I’ll give you my 2-yen.
Focus on pleasing her, rather than satisfying yourself. If your relationship is strong enough, you should be able to ask her what feels good (within reason – don’t interrogate her!) and work from there. If you make her enjoyment your priority and move slowly (somewhere around 30 minutes-1 hour, as a really, really rough estimate), I think things will go a little better than last time. Try light touching and kissing on her neck and ears before moving downstairs, and when you do, tease her and try ‘pulling away’ to build up the tension.
Most importantly, just relax and enjoy yourselves. Worrying about your performance is a sure-fire way to spoil the mood. I’m not expert though – best to look elsewhere for the answers you are seeking.
Thank you Mike, you are far more nicer than the so-called nice person mitaboy! I am happy finally there is someone kind enough in this community that willing to help me out with my sexual problem, while mitaboy just fired me with the feeling of suspicion and hatred, that’s the lowest form of human feeling to treat others.
Mike, I really appreciate your advice, I really learn something that I shouldn’t worry about my performance and just relax and enjoy myself….but I think my new gf is a little bit demanding about sex, I don’t know if it’s because she had sex with her ex-bf so many times and compared it with me or not but I haven’t ask her about this because she said she doesn’t want to talk about her past with her ex-bf since it was a traumatic experience for her.
Anyway, I would love to talk to you more about this if you don’t mind, can you please tell the administrator to give you e-mail address so I could send a message to you or how do I tell the administrator to tell you my e-mail address. I really appreciate your help, thank you so much.
You’re welcome Aaron.
I don’t know what sort of person your girlfriend is and what I wrote really is just run-of-the-mill stuff that you can find elsewhere on the internet. I’m not an expert nor a consultant for this sort of thing, so I’m afraid I can’t help you further, as much as I sympathise with your situation.
As I said, please look for forums or websites elsewhere that deal with giving sexual advice, as there are likely to be many more ‘qualified’ people there that can help you. So, with all due respect, I would prefer not to give out my email address. I hope you understand and best of luck to you 🙂
aaron, western women love petting and my guess is jw luv it too. You need to relax and get in the right mood! My jhubby can’t relate. My problem is not only foreplay but getting it period. weekends only? not spontaneous. and getting boring everyday.
I was married to a Japanese woman for 13 years, and this is my honest experience and advice.
1. Your Japanese fiancee will have PLENTY of sex with you before marriage. Once you are married, that will stop, since she has what she wants.
2. When your Japanese wife has her first child, she will sleep with the child, not you. Your sex life is over, until she wants to have kid #2, or wants something (like a car).
My advice: If you are a non-Japanese man and would like to have sex at least once a week, DO NOT MARRY A JAPANESE WOMAN.
Here is an experiment: Do not ask your Japanese gf/fiancee/wife for sex. See how long before she ASKS YOU. I did this a few times, and usually after a few weeks, she would say, “Hey, don’t YOU feel like having sex?” (never, “I feel like having sex…”).
You were warned! I just wish someone had warned me….
Heinrich,
I’m sorry to hear your story as I think you are in a bad place and perhaps feel allot of pain. I am in my 10th year now, with 2 kids and would like to tell you my thoughts.
I lived in Japan for 3 odd years and that’s where I met my wife. After our first kid sex did drop. But after going through it, I think I’m beginning to understand. For a woman its a big change. Physically and more importantly mentally. I have found my wife quite mysterious and very hard to understand, in the psychological sense. The reason I decided to reply to your post was that I think I can relate to your comment about how she said ‘hey don’t you feel like having sex’. That’s in some way like my wife as well and I think its just because of the culture. How fluent is your wife’s English? That’s because I think it may have been her way of saying ‘I would like to have sex’. I don’t mend to under mind your situation but I think they are a very humble race. Unlike Americans who (it seems to me) are brought up to be confident and say what they want, rather the Japanese way which is to wait for the other person. They care for the other before them self so to speak.
I disagree with you about warning people. If you look you’ll find all races and creeds have marital problems. I’m not religious in any sense of the word but I do believe in Karma. Go en. Do unto others and all that. You’ll get back from life (and your wife) what you put in. Slow, time and caring can do wonders. How do you feel about your children? Don’t you love the way they are with your wife? The stupid things they say, the mixed English and Japanese phrases? Its hilarious at times.
All said and done, I’m past my own problems when it comes to my kids. As I’ve gone through my 30’s theres been times when I felt so alone but some moments when I see the look in my kids eyes it makes me understand what life is all about. My wife is the most (quietly) caring and thoughtful person I know. I love her to death and although the sex has declined theres other aspects of life that she has made me aware of that I never knew existed.
Is it time for you to stand back and evaluate where you are, what you want and where you will go? How old are you if I may ask? As I believe your values will change as you get older.
Regards
Well said, Mr. V. I’m in my 40’s and as my testosterone level tapers off I’m not always “jonesing” for sex the way I used to, so I can look at this issue more objectively. A few years ago I opposed my kids occasionally joining us in bed because it eliminated the possibility (remote as it may have been) for sex that night. Now my youngest is 7 and I love it when he wants to sleep with us; pretty soon he’ll be too cool for that.
Reading this fascinating forum, one would think Western women are more enlightened and make it a point to have sex with their husbands at least weekly (or whatever) to maintain intimacy in the relationship. But judging from my American friends who are married to American women and have children, this is clearly a universal issue. Surely there are a percentage of women in every culture who have a sex drive which matches yours, and if you’re married to one then congratulations. But on the whole human males want it more often and kinkier than human females – its a fact of life, and the sooner you come to terms with that the less frustrated you’ll be. It’s similar to monogamy. It’s not in our nature, but most of us accept it as a condition for a harmonious marriage.
who cares, man? japanese girls who go for foreign men look like dogs anyway.
Dear Mr V,
I am 43 now… at 40, I gave up and divorced my Japanese wife after 13 years of marriage, 8 of which I slept in separate beds.
Her English is flawless and I know what she meant (I speak Japanese as well), when she said, “Don’t YOU feel like sex” (the stress was on the YOU…).
Thanks for your thoughtful and considerate response. I wish you and your lovely wife a long and happy life together.
Some years ago standing in front of a train station waiting for my ride in I noticed a couple of Middle-Eastern looking men loitering. Soon after a middle-age Japanese woman walked up and asked if one of the men had a moment and away they walked. Surprised, I began to spend time at that train station observing even when I didn’t have any business there and the best I could figure out was that there was a small group of swarthy gaijin men who were pimping themselves to lonely Japanese housewives.
Another time when single and living alone I had a new neighbor move next door. Middle-aged and extremely attractive I wondered about this woman as she never seemed to leave her apartment. Clearly she didn’t work yet the few times I saw her she was over-dressed in expensive clothing and impeccably groomed. One night about 2:00 AM while I was returning from a night of revelry she was dolled-up and going out. As embarrassed as I am to say this I followed her. I didn’t have far to go as the entertainment district was just a few blocks away and in a narrow, dimly lit street I saw her meet the elegant dark haired gentleman who supported her.
Years later my Japanese sister-in-law told me a story of a friend of hers that has been carrying on an affair since before the birth of her child. The child grew up watching this strange man appear most every day while the father was at work. One day when the child was old enough to talk he told the father that “Mommy’s friend didn’t come over today.” End of marriage.
When I was 29 a high school senior girl gave me the best blowjob I have ever had before or since. She did so completely unsolicited and clearly knew what she was doing. Where did she learn this I wondered?
Watching Japanese TV one time I saw an interview with a 19 year old American musician who came to Japan out of his fascination with J-Pop. In the interview he stated that what he most loved about Japanese pop was its total absence of sex. I still wonder how things turned out for him in Japan.
Don’t you think that in a country that sports bras for men, gender confusion might actually be a problem at a national level? Don’t you think it’s a symptom of a deeper problem? It’s no wonder so many have sexless marriages, with such confusion! They would rather pleasure themselves cheaply than try to turn the flame back on in their marriage. And if feel a sort of incest-like filial piety toward their spouse, then why get married in the first place? Perhaps these feelings come later…but still. If your everyday job and lifestyle take away the fire from your marriage, then it might be a WARNING SIGN THAT SOMETHING IN YOUR LIFE IS WRONG.
im afraid that one day i wake up i dont love my husband anymore…(hes japanese)
3months ago i post a comment here about my sexless life, i try to talk and explain to him
but nothing changes… enough
Ok female westerner here, but my concern is related to this somewhat.
I live in the UK, and have recently developed feelings for a Japanese guy.
He claims to be ‘non Japanese’ and westernized, which, after several years of living abroad in the west, he certainly is, but I have my doubts.
First of all: Japanese attitudes to screwing around outside of relationships.
He has a girl in Japan which he refers to as his ‘ex’, but insists on staying faithful to. When I first got to know him, he was keen to have casual sex, as was I, but we quickly both realised that we wanted more from each other, and so things never progressed, and he now refuses to sleep with me despite kissing me sometimes. I find it strange that it’s only ‘cheating’ (on his ex?!) if you feel something for the other person. I also have my doubts as to he would ever truly choose me over a Japanese girl because I know she and I must be polar opposite. He says he tires of all the makeup and fashion and the whole Japanese girl experience, but I get the feeling despite his protestations he is a fairly traditional Japanese at heart.
Second of all, are there any girls out there who are married to/ dating Japanese guys? I’d be keen to hear your experiences.
He is a fairly affectionate guy, but I’m pretty demanding sexually, and I’m not sure if he can live up to my expectations in bed. When we did mess around together it was fun to be like ‘this is how the japanese kiss and this is how the english kiss’, but when he hugs me he sort of pats me awkwardly instead of giving me the sort of affection I’m used to.
Maybe this is because he is still attached to this ‘ex’… or maybe it’s becasue he’s Japanese and his way of touching/ affection is different, despite his claims of being pretty much igirisujin.
Quite a weird situation as I’m usually pretty intuitive and can see bad news coming with this sort of thing, but for some reason the fact that he’s Japanese has just left me at a total loss. It seems to be a TOTALLY different set of ideals and morals to what i’m used to from western guys.
Thoughts?
Happylovesit, as a white male with many years under my belt in Japan I have seen many, many happy marriages between white Western women and Japanese men. In fact, on average, I think that those marriages are more stable and happier than the white Western male marrying the Japanese woman. However, down to the person with every Western woman who marries a Japanese man that I know, the woman is a strong, dominant and even powerful person and the Japanese male is weaker and is taken care of by his wife on some level. God knows Japanese men are spoiled by their mothers ….
Hi Happielovesit,
I’m an Australian male, I have a Japanese girlfriend, and I can relate to what you say about the hugging. Early on she said straight out “Japanese people don’t hug”. Of course with practice she came to see why westerners like to hug 🙂 She wasn’t awkward but it was clear that it was new to her, and it took us a while to become comfortable in each others’ arms.
Japanese people do have a completely different set of beliefs and expectations to us. The hard part about identifying the differences is that on the surface they don’t appear so great. Your friend is still Japanese at heart, even though he can act like a westerner.
I think the difficulties that have arisen with him have more to do with his personality than with Japanese culture. On this page people talk a lot about the problems with Japanese culture, but there are a lot of good things too. Despite the many stories of marital infidelity, I think that generally they are loyal and trustworthy in relationships. They value an emotional connection. And the ones that get into relationships with westerners are generally open to new ideas and experiences.
– James
my husband and i almost 1-2 times in a month
having sex, im also demanding about sex, he is very sweet and he always hugging me everytime we sleep and thats make me feel sad because instead havin sex he rather to sleep, to feel secure anyway, when i start to to ask him about it he is very angry that make my feeling aloop (distant) to him, theres is no third party but i know he always watching japanese porn make me hurt, sometimes im thinking myself as mother or maid, and one questionable to me is i know he loves me… but why sex very issue im 27(philippines)and hie 31(japanese)
pls advice..
it would help to me
thanks,
jen,
you are in a situation that is unlikely to change given the culture.
you have two choices; accept your current situation or not. there is no ‘changing’ the situation. anyone who says otherwise is not being reaslistic.
is it possible that the situation can change – yes, but not likely.
Japan has big intermacy problems –
loss of face, space, anxienity as well as too much hentai in the media.
For japan to get this right they need-
Gods word
Clean media towards woman with the banning of illicet clubs and magazines as well as sites and dvd sales.
A health work life for teenages as ewell as a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
Mr Welsh,
I think you are fortunate that you are NOT married to a Japanese woman.
Your answer is akin to the idea that “a man with a hammer sees every problem as a nail”.
A man with a Bible sees every problem having a solution that somehow involves God.
I won’t go into the God thing, that is your belief and I respect that belief.
Media all over the world is quite similar. They show sexy women to excite men (and some women).
Pornography is not the cause of sexless marriages in Japan. The Japanese themselves are mostly a passionLESS and SEXLESS people. Read the other comments…
I was married to a Japanese women who claimed she was a Christian and went to church every Sunday. God’s word, God’s power, the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus couldn’t make that woman interested in sex.
P.S. A spell checker can be your friend.